Entry 101, Tuesday
Graded all day. Submitted grades. Pleased that’s done, I guess, but I’m tired and my head hurts. Going to do 15 minutes of chapter 5 then call it a day. Helping someone move tomorrow, not sure what’s up for the rest of the week. Read to the end of the draft. It’s worse than I’d remembered! Lots of organizational issues around the middle to end, and repetition of stuff I also put in chapter 4. All fixable stuff, but am feeling annoyed. It’s fine, just have to keep going. Entry 102, Thursday Helped Will and Sarah move yesterday. Am SO TIRED now. Again. Still. Mostly taking the day off today, it’s the anniversary of my and Angelica’s private and legal wedding ceremony. Wrote for 15 minutes while Ang and the girls were out. Worked on re-organizing chapters 4 and 5, I’m swapping the order of them and moving some bits between them. I’m nervous and tense about this but I think it’ll be much better as a result. Back to work properly tomorrow. Entry 103, Monday Friday went badly, I just gave up. Way too little sleep, couldn’t think straight and was in a foul mood. Today went better, I wrote before diarying though. Work went fine enough. I dunno. I wish the book was done! Got to keep going. Entry 104, Tuesday Baby was up late and early. I did a bit of the requisite parenting, am tired as a result. Probably didn’t due a fair share, am guilty as a result. Sigh. I tried to make it to a yoga class but had the time wrong, missed it. Now it is later in the day than I would prefer and time to start. I’m worried about chapters 4 and 5, which have switched order and need some bits moved between them. Nothing to it but to start, here goes. Entry 105, Wednesday Short window of time today and I kind of what to just jump into the writing but I think that doing these entries is good for me. Even if I don’t need it today the habit is good and I want the habit in place for the days when I do need it. This morning I woke up before everybody else, checked email (shouldn’t have! giving to anxiety feeds it!), ate breakfast, then my family got up just as I was packing up to walk out the door. Sigh. Usual lack of sleep, head is foggy. Drinking coffee now so should unfog somewhat. Yesterday Jamie Pietruska told me she’s excited to read and assign my book, that really made my week. I think am more scattered than usual lately because of the schedule change. Summers are nice but the change in routine is tiring, a kind of work on its own. As my kids get old and my family life less chaotic I would like to grow into a set writing time and routine every day, and have that be invariant over academic year and summer. Today’s work: chapter 4. Feeling tense about it, about the re-organizing and reformulating. What if I never finish, what if the book sucks, etc. I’m going to finish and it won’t suck. It’ll at least be good enough, which is good enough. I’m feeling nervous about the grant funds I wasn’t able to spend because of the snags at the law libraries (I live so much of my life in the shadow of the fear of getting in trouble or making some angry... sigh... should see a therapist eventually), and about the primary sources I have but haven’t read - what’s in them? what if it contradicts what I wrote? what if I have to go back to zero?! I won’t. That’s just the usual nerves talking. I actually like some of what I wrote yesterday and the ideas I found/made. I think by diarying this I’ve worked my way into a less comfortable state than when I sat down. Good to vent like this though I suppose. Going to work now. Did some okay work. Good enough. Later in the day, did some more work. I think I overworked today, am feeling the kinds of overwork feelings Boice talks about. I think I stopped early enough that it’s fine and will wear off by tomorrow. That said the work I did is good and the manuscript is better for it. Done for the day on this. Onto other tasks then home. Entry 106, Thursday At writing group, writing among colleagues. Did a good free write I’d been scared to do (what’s the point of the chapter?), found some new ideas and formulations, pleased about it. Group starts in two minutes so done with this for now. Onward. Later in the day. I worked again for about 30 minutes, 50 minutes total today. Not bad. I’m looking forward (well, kinda, and kinda dreading) to the summer getting summery, having more time to focus on my writing. Entry 107, Friday Writing group/workshop again today, day two. Went well yesterday. Babyfull morning, AM VERY TIRED started off feeling grumpy too. Saw a hawk on my walk in though and had a nice conversation with a co-worker. I am partway to a better mood. Group starts now, going to quietly work for about 25 minutes. Work went well enough. Workshop was very good. Going to work some more on my book now. Okay I worked. It went well. BUT THE NEXT STEPS MAKE MY STOMACH HURT. Starting on Monday the next things on this chapter I are to organize the primary sources I have left to engage with, then actually read them and take notes, then free write on the contents, then reverse outline the draft and as part of that to find a home for the results of working with those sources. I am dreading doing this, so I will want to procrastinate on it. I'm going to spend an appropriate time on this on Monday despite how it feels. I sent an email to this effect to Evan and to Alex for the sake of accountability. Entry 108, Monday The baby is teething and sleeping terribly. Life is suffering. Sigh. On my way in to work on the bus, late. I took some time w/ the baby so A could sleep some. I’m glad I have the option to do this, but the flexibility is also a source of stress. I get tired of constantly having to make decisions about what to prioritize. And I get tired of working tired, my time is wasted as a result - takes 90 minutes to do a task I could in 60 with enough sleep. Oh well. I’m going to start the work day at a coffee shop. More caffeine and some sugar will help me concentrate for a while on my book work. I’m going to do book work first. Going to dig into the primary sources for chapter 4. I’m going to do an hour of book work, then work on my summer class and other responsibilities. I’m going to try to get to the gym today as well. I’m worried about the primary sources making what I’ve got chapter 4 no longer make sense. I also keep thinking about revisions BW suggested (strongly) for chapter 1, basically swapping out the source base. I think it’s a good call but the work is scary and it feels like taking apart a chapter that I’d thought, and readers had thought, was pretty good. I suppose that I’m anticipating this is in some ways a good sign, as I’m quite close to the end of a pass through the whole book. And I think I really do have the time. At coffee shop now. Going to work. Worked. Spent a decent while on primary sources for chapter 4. Entry 109, Monday [yes, Monday again, no entries for the past several days. thinking of the bit where Steinbeck wrote in his diary "bad lazy time"] I haven’t done any work on my book for about a week and I’m feeling stressed about that. Last week sucked. This week’s shaping up better but I’m really upset. Going to open the file now. Work was hard to day. I ended up email Alex the following over the day “I'm in the coffee shop now, I have just under two hours until I teach.I can't remember what I'm doing on my book, it's been a week. Feelingtense and frustrated. Going to drink my coffee and collect my thoughts then start working.” “squandered time on facebook. :'( I updated the facebook blocker add-on to my browser (it had quit working), have worked on reading primary sources for maybe 15 minutes,feeling a bit better.” “struggling today, some frustrations but got to a good place. I'm part way through reading through teh material from a court case and have arrived at being excited to know about it so I'm stopping here today for the sake of an easier start next time” “ch4 to do list: - read all the primary docs in my possession and take notes - list all the other cases cited - look them up and skim them, taking notes on anything relevant and anything worth reading more slowly (err on the side of going fast) - print my notes - review quickly for points to free write -- do those free writes - print the chapter draft so far - review it looking for issues that anything from the cases/notes helps solve/address, and looking for places where I can put in stuff from those cases - put stuff in the draft accordingly - print and review again, asking what the draft needs in order to get done, making new to do list - do that stuff! - review remaining/unused notes from these cases, does any of it go into chapter 5? -- free write on anything that might -- free write on what, if anything, I might do with the stuff that doesn't go in (above all, thinking about writing something on the lawyers and/or insurance companies; not going to decide that either way right now, just want to equip future me to make a good decision either way) -- then onto chapter 5 speculating and reflecting: I am feeling, as we way with our kids, big feelings. specifically about not being done with chapter 4 yet. I am actually on a good schedule even though it doesn't feel that way. goal=try to get this done by the end of this week. But even if it takes all of June though that's fine. That will leave July and August for chapters 5 and 6. If I end the summer with the manuscript drafted through chapter 6 that's still a really good timeline. My impatience is not helping me.” Day’s ended up okay enough. I am back on track or at least am on track toward being, in due time, back on track.
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