Tired again. Coffee hasn’t kicked in, I’m on the bus. Feeling a bit stressed about my day. I can get through it all, it will be fine, it’s going to be hard work is all. The day is looking spring-like, not so cold as it’s been and the ice is all gone. That’s nice.
Today’s writing is a bit of chapter four. I’m nervous about the new chapter, the doing will be challenging, lots of new ideas to figure out how to express and a fair bit of re-organization. It will be cool when it’s done, a step forward for the project, I think the ideas are good and will turn out well with sufficient watering. The plan is to get into the chapter with a sense of momentum then start working on the early parts of chapters 5 and 6 too in rotation, to see if I can make it easier when I turn fully to those chapters. When I get in I’m going to get my paper notes out right away and get immediately down to work. Work went okay. Well enough.
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In to work late. Took my big kids to an appointment this morning and early afternoon. Fine. Good even. But am now in late, tired, distracted, feeling stress about the stuff to do and the fog in my head. Need to sleep more. Same as it ever was.
In the waiting room I wrote out a rough calendar on the backs of some napkins, pleased to have a concrete plan/visualization of the time from here to finishing a draft of my book. I wrote a draft of a blog post about my writing diary, am having some feelings in response - impostor syndrome and so on. I’m good at working hard and have succeeded despite adversity, I will continue to do so. Going to get out the paper materials for my writing session now. Decided to spend (okay, waste) a bit of time checking the total pages and words. 180. 63 thousand. Over half way there, so that’s good. Okay now down to work. Struggling. Feel rattled and unsure, frazzled and directionless. Just remembered I took two days off writing, no wonder it’s like this now. Organized files and working documents in a way that gave me back a sense of direction and state of the draft. Ready to really write now. Wrote. Went well enough. I’m in a phase of this new chapter where the immediate work doesn’t show as immediately obvious of benefits so my assessments of quality work need fine tuning. I think the ideas here are good and I’m proud of my ambitions in re-organizing the chapter. The usual morning jumble. Am in the chair now. Am committed to today being a better day. Spoke to a friend for an accountability check-in. I have about 50 minutes before a meeting. Going to use it well. Owning up: I’m at an early stage with chapter 4 and am flinching out of intimidation. Here goes.
Having negative thoughts and jealousy as I read around among primary sources. Not sure what’s going on there. Not seeds I want to water. Back to work. Work went okay. Worked later in the day too. Am tired, lazy, distracted today. Need to shape up, have more discipline. Tired from staying up too late watching US women’s olympic hockey, and failing at diligence this morning. Going to make up for it later I guess. Sigh.
Did some work. Still struggling. This goes down as an off day. Oh well. The usual morass in my mind and jumble in my situation. Saw the fam before I left, which was nice and I left teh house as usual with my head full of family and feelings about not being home with them. Shuffled to the bus stop on the ice. One of our neighbors salted our sidewalk, that was nice, makes me feel good about how we live, cultivating relationships. Hard to keep relationships in mind, easy to experience obligations as obstacles, hard to feel a relationship and obligation to the work. Makes sense, the work isn’t a person, have to root the work in relationships with others -- sociality, teh category En picked out of the Boice.
Bus was jam packed today, wanted to diary on the bus, was annoyed to not have gotten what I wanted. Same as it ever was. Am at the coffee shop here, ran into some people I know which is nice but again feeling cluttered, disinclined to write. But it’s fine. This isn’t leisure activity. Maybe it can be a kind of play but it’s hard play. Going to try my attitude affirmations: I like my book. I’m learning so much from writing it. I am proud of my hard work and my intellectual ambition. I like the ideas I am finding - no, making. Nothing more to it, just need to start. Started. Got distracted by trees, lost the forest. Possible future project in this, going give myself five minutes to jot down those thoughts then stop. Finished a draft of the interlude. Footnotes need some fixing, but the prose is there. Enough to put it away. Going to spend just a few minutes on the next chapter, use some of the momentum I have now for the sake of next writing session starting easier. okay did a bit of work on next chapter. I’m in the second half now. That’s exciting. writing with a friend now, doing 20ish minutes on chapter 4. gulp. here goes On the bus. Ice storm last night, was very slippery on the walk - shuffle! - to the bus stop. Ugh. Not supposed to get above freezing today and possibly tomorrow either, so the ice may last a while. My 4y.o. woke up just before I left the house. It was nice to see her but I feel guilty for the rushedness and shortness of our short time together, and I put a video on for her when I left because my wife was still asleep, mixed feelings about parenting via video. Anyway.
Today’s writing session has to be brief. I’ll work on the interlude and if I get through it then chapter 4, going from my paper notes. It’ll be fine. Need some coffee first, didn’t have time to drink mine at home. Shuffled in to work, heard about some school closures, checked weather again, fell into the internet. Frustrated with myself. Going to reset now. worked a bit then ran into a colleague, chatted when I should have worked. blah day so far work-wise. frustrated with myself. but everyone has off days, just watched some olympians make mistakes over the weekend. today’s not an olympic competition for me, it’s an ordinary training/work day, the results come from the shape of the graph of performance over time, not from individual days. have to move on to other responsibilities now, later I will make up the time I didn’t spend well enough this morning, I have the time. I’ve made up the time now. Am nearly done with the interlude, I think. I need to look up some specifics in some sources, I’ll see if I can get to that tonight before bed, that doesn’t require maximum mental acuity in the way that writing new prose does. -> didn't get to that. Will try it later today (Wednesday), will do high acuity demand tasks first. Didn’t write yesterday, which is fine, the goal’s 6 days a week, but I feel a bit slower. Even more so because of a familyful morning. was very nice but am in later than I’d prefer and my head’s still on family. I continue to reread Boice for the writing group and over the weekend I read the bit about negative self talk. That inspired me to write out some quick positive affirmations - I am learning so much from this, I am growing and improving my skills, I’m proud of my hard work, I like my book. Going to try Boice’s recommendations further on this for the sake of more comfortable writing. Underlining though that this is secondary to actually getting my book written.
Wrote out a rough timeline for the draft yesterday too, feels good to imagine a full first draft in the not too distant future. Not long after the tomatoes are in in our garden. Okay, feeling pretty good. Going to get out the paper files and figure out the tasks to really begin the work. Worked a while, am scaaaared! Starting new chapter=so hard. My wife said ‘if it’s hard to start a new chapter, maybe start them all, so you get that over with?’ Scary thought, concentrating all the fear like that... It makes especially good sense given how I’m moving things between what I’d planned for chapters 4 and 5. So I outlined 4, then rolled into outlining 5. Made notes on what to print now, to keep my paper copies up to date with the electronic ones. Up next=begin chopping up chapter 4 into the outline. Maybe I’ll do the same with 5? Or should I wait until 4 is done so I know that 5 makes sense in light of how 4 ends up? Maybe I’ll split the difference - chop of the raw material for 4, make a start and get it to where the interlude is now, then chop up the raw material for 5 while I finish 4. going to think on that. Back to 4 anyway. Going to start assigning the raw material to numbers in the outline. Out of time for now. Will pick it up here next time. Feeling tense. Reading my list of positive messages, added: ‘I’m excited to figure this out’ ‘Hard work takes time’, and ‘Results come from persistent effort sustained for a long duration.’ Changing location, next will print some notes and work a bit on the interlude, then onto other responsibilities . ^ Did that stuff. Worked a bit tonight. Read over the paper notes for chapter 4 and for chapter 5. Wrote out some tasks and freewriting by hand on both. Went well enough. Working on the weekend means it’s harder to get started, harder to find the time. I suppose it won’t always be like that, which is weird. I wrote out a rough time line for the rest of the book writing and the research. I think that will help me stay diligent. Maybe I’ll put it on the wall of my office, remind me to keep going. Various doubts and worries, but whatever. I feel like I’m doing well at doing the doing, the rest will work itself out. (Rest of the day was nice, lots of family time, and lots of watching winter olympics.)
Very late start today. Stayed home w/ baby again while A and the big kids went out. Good use of my time but stressful re: the writing and other work responsibilities. I resent the downsides of the self-management this job involves. Oh well.
Got some good work done today on the interlude, some things that make it not quite as close to done as I’d like but which I think are fruitful ideas. Some bold writing too, which is frankly fucking terrifying to do but also I’m proud of myself for being bold. Piglet is the bravest of the residents of the hundred acre wood. I’m writing at a coffee shop and should really get home, so will not have printed out the newest version of the interlude. With that in mind I will roll into starting chapter 4 - I have my notes for that. That is also terrifying, my stomach dropped as I made that decision. Brave again though. I’m going to try to crack open that work before bed tonight -- there is some quantity of unavoidable suffering in the process, if I feel it sooner I don’t have to later. On bus. Suddenly worried I double booked myself schedule wise tomorrow.
Managed to get online, took a bit (am on the bus), nope, fine. Good. That’s a relief. I’m in the usual place this morning. Not caffeinated yet, missing my kids, disappointed I didn’t see them before I left, flustered without an aerial view of my schedule and to do list in my head. It will all work out I think but at gut level it’s unpleasant. Anyway. Short writing time this morning, then teaching. So, the writing. I know I’ll be working on the interlude in the middle of the book. I worked on it a long time yesterday. I have almost a full first rough draft of it written down now. That’s exciting, and I’m nervous to have to confront that draft next. I should watch that language probably. I’m excited about being closer to the end of the draft of the book. When I get in to the library I’ll grab coffee and eat my breakfast while I read over the paper copy of the draft and to do list then will get right down to work. Need to remember to make a B/C time task list for the rest of the day. Read over the draft of the interlude. I think I am being bold. That is frightening. Fine. I will feel frightened, will do this frightening thing. |