Posting on October 16, 2023. I wrote an entry today, not posting it for now, thought I'd post all prior unposted entries - didn't write in the diary August 25 through October 15 so that's a natural breakpoint for posting the entries. This post is the last couple entries from 2022 and all 2023 post prior to early/mid-fall.
Friday 12-9-22 I’m in the virtual meeting of our faculty writing group, which is starting off with 20 minutes of quietly writing before we discuss. This is a good idea and I don’t find myself wanting or even particularly open to writing. I’m feeling a bit under the weather (run down from end of semester tiredness) and have a bit of an annoyance hangover about some hassles yesterday. So I figure I’ll take this as an opportunity to do my writing diary as part of getting back to the writing routine that enhances my writing life. I looked at my list of writing tasks and projects and most of what I need to be doing is read, so that will be my focus for today and over the break. Monday, December 12th, 2022 I was thinking today that maybe in the past I thought of writing as having something to say, and more recently I’ve begun to think of it as saying something well - and I was going to say that reading and research was a matter of finding something to say, becoming someone with something to say - but that’s all wrong. I’ve often thought of writing as speaking out loud without having something to say, though that’s not write either. It’s more like, I don’t know, digestion. (I originally typoed that word as “digrestion” which I think is a good word for some of how I think, thinking laterally, or in a spiral, with the digressions being a way to get somewhere unexpected - and often in my efforts they’ve been a bit of play and I recently watched an interview with John Cleese where he talked about creativity as a matter of drawing, via play, on the unconscious; he’s got an old talk on this in relation to what he calls ‘the open mode’, meaning more playful and less linear, with laughter being a sign of inhabiting it and a way to enter into it. Digresstion then would be a way of digesting unprocessed thoughts further, on the way to excreting steaming piles of ideas I suppose, specifically through digressing - seriousness as constipation, play, even if in the dry [fiber-rich?] form of the digression, facilitating a kind of unblocking. I’m part way to seriously convincing myself of something in this parenthetical… I digress.) That is to say, if I’m honest I’ve often thought of writing as a way to move from ‘I don’t know how to say this but it’s on my mind’ to having something to say. Writing is thinking, not news, but I forget it sometimes. I’ve lately been preoccupied at some level with the idea that I don’t have anything to think about or enough to think with - that I’m not ready to start yet, at least not on the things I really want to think about. Having said this, this is clearly a mistake though perhaps there’s a penny of truth in that shitty error. (Oof.) The mistake is in thinking that I can’t type. For me I’m basically typing in response to things I’ve read, or less often, heard, and to some extent hearing is just reading with my ears. At some level then perhaps there is some minor degree of precondition in that I need to have something to respond to or be in dialog with or be confused about, as distinct from just having my mind be blank, but then, just read something and bing bang boom, done, which is to say, ready to start typing, which also is to say, nothing is ever done so much as documented and abandoned. (That’s partly a Stewart Lee-ism.) I’ve not read as much as I wish I’d read off of some specific notional reading lists, that is genuinely true, but it’s not like I need to read the list top to bottom before typing. I’ve typed over 500 words here having read very little that I’m responding to. I think part of what’s going on is that I want to have not only things to say but to say things well, which is another matter and to some extent premature, though also on the flip side not going far enough - immature? - in that I could work on things like craft, with some focus and discipline, anyway: look at something I think is well crafted, analyze it, try to copy some of the elements I like, for the sake of being a better writer later when it’s not just an exercise. Hmm. Perhaps part of the issue is a version of that old Irish joke (a man is on his way to Dublin and gets lost in the countryside and wanders into a pub, tells the bartender “I’m lost, please help me, what’s the best way to Dublin” and the bartender replies “well you don’t want to start from here”) of judging my starting place and so wasting time and energy not just cracking on from here. Much better to adopt an attitude of here I stand I can do no other than to have feelings about not standing elsewhere and specifically having those feelings in lieu of getting moving toward anywhere else. Giving myself a bit of a meta-level peptalk here in a way I suppose, fine and good, I wonder if this means I can buy bill myself for a therapy session and so buy some more records, though if I pay for that therapy session then I’ll have less money to spend on records. Strikes and gutters, I suppose. Not wanting to diminish a moment of pep, pep being on the rarer side these days (A Man Of Rare Pep: My Story), I do think that in addition to just having a bit of a pick me up I would also do well with some greater focus. I can write about whatever’s on my mind and so can respond to whatever’s going in through my eyes and ears - I could, for instance, type a lot about Angus Deayton as panel show host - but my internal critic does have some level of point, or rather, there is a bit of truth that lets the critic’s criticisms have a point of purchase, inasmuch as my time and energy are finite and the payoffs of specifically reading inputs take some time to show up. That last point is poorly posed; trying again, what I mean to say is I find some subcomponents of the learning curve more enjoyable to occupy than others and of the various curves I am currently traversing I am on each/all of them not yet in the most optimal subcomponent. (I intially typoed that as “moist” optimal subcomponent, unfortunate, best not to even mention it.) And I am at present a bit dispersed across a few different reading streams, so to speak, which is to say, traversing multiple arcs in such a way that means a longer duration in pre-optimal for all of them. If I want to remain a multiple-arc pursuer (channel surfer?) like this and it has its upsides, then I need to accept that it will mean some tradeoffs. Alternatively I might decide to do a bit more of a deep dive into one arc, get further into the optimal region of the learning curve, then slow down more on that reading in the hopes that the good feelings from it transfer into other learning curves? Typing that I realize I’ve fallen back to conceptualizing learning as the result of reading, rather than of writing. I think something worth experimenting with in response to these thoughts might be to make an effort at a somewhat disciplined writing practice again, writing with some regularity on one of the areas of research I’m pursuing, writing in the spirit I talked about above of thinking out loud - not pressuring myself to have things to say let alone say them well. Having typed that, the benefit to be had seems obviously to be a real one, i.e. this is clearly a good idea. I can do other kinds of writing - vent file, reflection like this, trying to work on craft and/or play around - as well if I want to, that’s a decision to make later. But writing more often on a thing I’m learning about seems an obviously good idea so I should resolve to do so. Given the benefits of this kind of writing, a bit more of this is likely a good idea as well. Maybe I should be a blogger again. Alright enough, it’s late, sleep’s a good idea too. Monday January 9, 2023 Back it. Am I perpetually resetting my writing habits? I don’t know. Feels like it but then part of the point of the writing diary is that my feelings aren’t always information or useful to the work. Five minute timer started by the way, trying to keep this disciplined - time away tends to lead to indisciplined diarying on return, maybe evidence of the value of the practice, in that with time away I have pent up stuff to diary? Unsure, likely yes. Random thought: what’s the point of the work, in terms of feelings? To feel a certain kind of good, in a way, or that feeling’s tied to the point anyway - the work is the point to some extent, like artistically (still feel uncomfortable using that word, though less so, is this progress or pretension? Both?) and that is a long term phenomenon - again hence the diary, to help navigate the disconnect between short term/minute-by-minute feelings and experiences and the longer term, as it’s out of the longer term process and successes (and in a way, really, sustaining processes long term is the real success) that the most desired feelings emerge from, though again that good feeling isn’t so much the goal as something woven into the goal, the goal being the work itself. Hmm. None of this was anticipated when I started to type, maybe have to extend the clock a little. (Is the passive voice meaningful here? I think so in that I don’t experience this as my choices and agency so much as my having latitude in navigating some givens.) Okay clock reset to another 5 minutes, taking a moment’s satisfaction in the word count for those 5 minutes being around 270 words. Been a hard while now, for too long of a while. Some deaths in the extended family, worry about some other relatives, and less intense but still discombobulating life stuff - family travel, holidays, work stuff. I’m cautiously optimistic about the prospects for re- and sustained combobulation for the spring though. I spent part of this afternoon making myself a set of planning and priority documents, much of it recreating what I already know - work on what matters most when energy is highest, tune energy/acuity to tasks, etc - but sometimes I need those reminders, the reminders are valuable, the time spent is valuable time. I’d like to stick to the diary routine again more and to use the documents I wrote up, if I do I think my combobulation will be less dis- prone. (Ha. But also seriously.) I know what my priorities work-wise are for the next little while, that’s a good start, the clarity will be helpful. Next task along the lines of clarity and organization will be some more mundane task listing and deadline setting/calendarizing, but I can let that go for today and get onto more intellectually contentful work now. Going to revise a book review. Oh before I do (and times up, okay 2 more minutes, feels like a genuinely good use of time right now, and again pleased to see 500 words here in these ten minutes, happy to find any satisfaction available right now), I want to just do what I think of as the more class vent file thing. I’m a little afraid the review I’m working on next sucks and the audience, who is unfamiliar to me, will hate or dismiss or laugh at it. Also afraid my review essay, next writing priority, also sucks. Afraid a piece I have coming out soonish in print sucks too. And worried I’m not spending my time well and advancing my (time’s up!) main projects. Going to pack this on now, I haven’t diaried those feelings away but I suppose good to state them clearly. Anyway feeling good about the writing or not feeling good about the writing isn’t what determines if I do the work. Maybe I’m just writing shitty stuff. Fine then. I’d rather write shitty stuff than not write. I pasted this into my diary folder and saw the date again, holy moly 2023! [Shrug] Tempted to play on the internet now, going to work on my top priority writing task instead. Tuesday 1-10-23 I spent a while yesterday making some planning documents then set up some stuff in Scrivener to track vent file performance. That’s good. That said, late start today. Discombobulation continues, and I’m tired, should probably make a cup of coffee and have a snack. I got a review submitted yesterday, that felt good. Tempted now to check my email to see if they got back to me. That’s understandable but I have other work I can do and that project is proceeding apace. I think I also got proofs on another thing, I should work on that as well, I happened to check email earlier in the day. It’d be good to get more disciplined and organized about email as well, ideally without having it take any more time. Hmm. I think the urge to check about the review comes from my being nervous (a bit afield from my comfort zone in the work reviewed and audience/what journal I sent it to - actually come to think of it, do I have a comfort zone…?) and also my being a bit lonely. Ah well. I’m going to get coffee and a snack then work on my current writing priority project a while, then do some smaller inputs as per my recent plans. This project too I’m a little nervous about - again a review, all feels a bit afield and I think the draft I sent was in weird shape, both over and underwritten but I couldn’t see that, I really thought it was done when I sent it in, not a pleasant realization to find it wasn’t. Then again the realizations as information just serve the work, and as feelings they’re irrelevant to the work. Good to keep in mind in terms of effects on me, but not relevant to facilitating the work - acknowledging them here for the sake of refocusing; the flow state once I’m into the writing will feel good, all of this is largely about clearing my throat/getting out of my own way to facilitate entry to the flow state. (I think that may be also why I don’t find external reward/achievement as motivating, the primary rewards far and away are in the content of the doing, not in the recognition of the done. Obviously the latter feels nice but not in the same way, not in a way I find motivating, not in the way I’m pursuing in doing this work. That feels negatively posed, I mean it positively, being in the zone feels good and actually I’m in the zone a fair amount really. I don’t track it because part of the nature of flow states is a relative lack of sense of time; all the products are measures of time spent in those states, the discomfort involved notwithstanding.) Anyway, enough, onto the next part of the plan. Today went off track, ugh. Going to do a little writing now. Okay it got kinda back on track, finished a round of revisions on the review essay. Going to let that sit a few days then reread it with fresh eyes. Wednesday 1-11-23 I’m a little tired, not enough sleep and I had some stuff I had to do earlier in the day than I planned. I think I also didn’t rest enough over the holiday break if I’m honest. Not ideal to start the semester tired. That said I think less tired than I’ve been at the start of any semester since the pandemic started, and I’m the most cautiously optimistic about the semester since the start of spring 2020. (Can’t help the thought ‘oh no, so what will go wrong this time then…?!’ Not going to water that one, just going to let it sit.) I talked with a colleague today, we’re going to meet up next week. That will be nice. I may have overcommitted myself - I filled out my annual review today and was like ‘uhhh, wow, okay.’ It’s all good stuff though at least. Next priority for a writing project isn’t mostly writing but rather reading and whatnot. Gotta figure that out. Priority below that is exploratory and also involves some new reading etc. All of that’s good really, I like to learn, happy to read. At the moment anyway I think I’ve written enough that I can be confident that if I dial down my time spent writing in order to further dial up research time it will go fine, probly go best really. I am a little nervous still though that if I write less then I will have a harder time writing eventually. I think that’s wrongheaded and actually the reading work will lay the groundwork for more writing really, not less. Okay that’s five minutes. What am I doing? I’m going to work on the top writing priority and go down my list. I do also need to get more of a handle on non-writing responsibilities for their own sake and because if those don’t go well it will erode time and energy for writing. Alright onto the rest of the work. Thursday 1-12-23 Headache today, dehydrated I think. Feeling a little stressed about the upcoming semester as well. Distracted, tired, hard to be productive, conference call later in the day so I need to set expectations realistically. I think maybe I should downgrade writing in my list of priorities, tie off existing projects and shoot for just like vent file and free writes for a while, and focus on reading - though in a planned way, use the free writes to intellectually process what I’m reading and to help plan. I’ll consider it. I did a more open ended free write last night about some stuff that’s been on my mind, that felt nice, just writing to think where the thinking is its own reward. Alright well for now, on with the day. Day went okay, fully middling, that’s fine. Out of an embarassing curiosity I tallied the academic words I wrote in 2022 and including public facing pieces and book reviews it was between 55,000 and 58,000 (not 100% sure about two or three thousand of them that might be from early this year). I’m pleased about that, I can’t say anymore that I haven’t been writing, whatever else there is to say. Friday 1-13-23 Late in the day and tired! Up too late, indisciplined. Two conference calls today, both good, left without a lot in the tank after all of the above. One call was about a co-writing project, I have research instructions for it so that’s cool. Feeling excited about that, might see about reading more around that project as well, or maybe setting that as an eventual goal, stick to the current reading plan for now. I’m a little stressed and sad about the semester starting soon but am over all feeling good, cautiously optimistic to a degree that’s been rare in this pre-semester time for the last few years. I’m also sleeping on the idea of dialing writing down in my priorities for a bit, finish out existing commitments, respond to any new asks that come in, but not push myself writing-wise for a little while otherwise, see how that feels. My current thought on the matter: focus on learning and exploration, embed writing in that, see where that goes for a while, and pursue it with some discipline but enjoyably, sustainably. We’ll see. I mentioned this to a friend who said it sounded like a good idea and one I may have some more feelings about later, which I thought was well put. Monday 1-16-23 Let’s see. I had a nice call today with someone about trying to do something for someone else, which feels nice. I’m not as tired as I have been and not as alert as I’d like to be. What else. I got a nice note about my recent/nearly finished book chapter, a note with serious engagement with the contents. That felt really good. I wrote a reply, nice to think more about those contents. I keep waffling but I really would like to turn that into a book. I’m a little tempted to just start writing and see what happens. Hmm. I’ve got some notes for two other things I’m genuinely intellectually excited about, one for a journal where someone’s asked me to write it up and see what happens, and another that’s just my interest driven, also in the ‘just write it up and see’ category. I don’t know what exactly it is but there’s something that happens when the work is connected to a sense of interpersonal context/relationships/ongoing conversation that feels different, in a good way. I wish the semester wasn’t starting so soon. Oh well. This week looks to be full of more tasky things, deprioritizing writing and reading will be smart for various reasons, including staying on top of and feeling good about other commitments (neglecting those for the sake of reading and writing would only be a short term benefit and would in the long run cost more reading and writing time). I’ve yet to crack the nut of how to organize my time and energy. I may be pulled in too many directions, I also may be just in an less than ideal context (as ever! The context is never ideal!) in various ways. Just keep in motion, try to keep anything from falling apart. I can afford, so to speak, to make my priorities be sustainable and balanced work like really. Part of the challenge is a pull between intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and related differences in what my current obligations are. Hmm. All that aside, how am I feeling? Is tired a feeling? I’m mostly low key optimistic. Boice has a phrase here, I forget what it is, it’s not ‘calm alert’ but something like that - basically means ‘chilled out and pleasant’, a lightish mood, cheerful with the volume knob low so to speak. That’s how I am, with a small note of worry or concern, again low volume, in the background about artistic/intellectual aspiration. But I like all my current projects. I think there’s also something going on here about self-sufficiency and interdependence, wanting connection but also having some extrinsic and less substantive elements get in my head a little. Irvine Welsh says James Kelman told him after Trainspotting, ‘just crack on with the work.’ That’s what I need to keep doing, just crack on. To the degree I’m doing so, I feel good about it. The nervousness is partly a matter of worry that I’ll stop, but I won’t really. There’s no evidence that will happen and if anything I’ve cracked on unsustainably, dialing it down for the sake of the long term will be smart. I think the trick will be figure out a sufficient distribution of small inputs to feel good and also keep them small. More tracking can’t hurt, I think. Monday 7-17-23 Had a plumber in today for a repair project. They came early and got done faster than expected. Good things, and afterward I find myself with time available that I didn’t expect to be available and no idea on how to use it. Not a big deal but I thought to myself that the sense of being thrown like this and the lack of plan both suggested I’d be well served by returning to this diary. Been sporadic since finishing the book I think, and that’s ages ago now really. I looked now and I have eight entries not previously posted, two from December and the others from January of this year, the last one six months ago to the day. I don’t know why I bother to count like that, passes the time I guess, and the time spent typing up that info is time spent typing, building up a bit of a head of steam which can then be applied elsewhere, that’s the hope. I’ve been working this summer, I’m not sure how productively but with satisfaction and that counts far more at this point, working on a project for an article out of my wheelhouse, on the UK new left. I’m nervous about the object/product but have enjoyed the learning a great deal, which again counts far more. I also have a sense that I’ve not done much this year over all though that’s massively offset by the satisfaction of the reading and learning I’ve done for this new thing. I will eventually have to make some choices about if I keep diving down rabbit holes in this warren - it’s fun! - Or if I pick new ones, but for now I don’t have to choose that and I enjoy the sense of having lots of appealing options, and that with each option I’m a little bit on the way already too. To change the metaphor, I’ve stepped into the shallow end and have acclimated somewhat to the water, and can now head out to wherever in the deep end if I want to. I was wondering what I’d done this year, if anything, so I checked and I have four relatively short form and public facing pieces that came out this year, I can’t recall when I did the actual work on them. Two of them I did the bulk or maybe all of last year, one I know I did this year, and the other I think was this year but I don’t recall for sure. Fair enough! And I’ve done enough work to lay the groundwork for future pieces of writing - this new left thing, a literature review on depoliticization, and a thing on industrial physicians for a work in progress workshop. I have some notes and scraps for other stuff as well. That’s all good. I think this is really where I should be at, maybe just slightly more finishing occasionally? I dunno though because more finishing would mean less inquiry. Hmm. I’m putting about as much time in as is possible in my life. Thinking back to that gardening metaphor - preparing the ground, planting, watering and fertiziling, thinning and pruning and harvesting, sharing. I think recently I’ve been more in the early stages and that’s fine. I’d probably do well to redo some of this on butcher paper again, for the sake of seeing if I can organize my writing life for even more satisfaction. Alright then. Any other thoughts? Well one is that I have now like 4 or 6 book ideas and clearly can’t write all those books! Going to have to let some cool ideas go. It occurred to me that in that garden metaphor weeding is dialing down non-writing commitments and obligations that enervate writing. I like that and want to think more about that. I feel a little frustrated at the persistent weeds, so to speak. I don’t mean to say all non-writing commitments are weeds: a gardner must eat and sleep or lose the ability to garden, say, and there are many non-gardening satisfactions as well! I mean rather that some makework and hassle kinds of things crowd out writing time or make it lower quality and enjoyment. Anyway, too many books to write especially in my job and life. That’s just the reality, play the hand we’re dealt, garden the plot we actually have, have to feel whatever I feel about that but dwelling is just another weed. Anything else? I suppose another thought is that getting myself a list of project seeds, so to speak, would be good to help with choices and organization - kinds of projects by interest and intrinsic satisfaction and what community to be in by virtue of (or, maybe the same thing, what relationships are built or sustained through the mediation of) doing the project. Aspiration-setting (and remembering!) in part, and facilitating staying in motion satisfactorily - less a matter of wanting to work more and more a matter of wanting to work happily. That’s going relatively well right now actually, I just think that future me might benefit from a little more planning and whatnot so as to have fewer hiccups along the way. Alright enough of all that. What about now, today? I’m going to see about putting some time into a piece for Organizing Work, do some reading, work on a book review, and put some time into the new left essay. Maybe too much for one day, we’ll see. Should tend some work stuff that’s not writing-related too - a slow drip of that stuff prevents it from building up to a degree that impedes writing. Alright I wrote a draft for OW and went for a run. Hoping to read a little before bed. Tuesday 7-18-23 I submitted my draft to OW and wrote and submitted a draft to Peste, wrote that before bed last night. I was mad, I guess, and this is a place to put those feelings! Also does feel good to write something. So how am I feeling over all about writing and my writing life? I’m a little anxious about finishing the article and workshop piece in time for the early fall deadlines. I think some of that is also feelings displaced (or referred or whatever the term is) from the start of the semester and about my job in general. I don’t look forward to the resumption of normal duties for the academic year and my relationship to the place is not as good as it was before conditions got worse and so many dear colleagues left. I think I’ve processed some of that but only some of it, I think I’d do well to process more of it as the current discomfort and ways I cope are not benefitting me. Anyhow, feeling nervous about those piece of writing and the timeline. I’m also excited about the ideas in each, and about the book review I’m supposed to work on soon with a friend. I think after I finish these two pieces for the early fall I might say that for a while I will have a writing life consisting of a) book reviews, b) short pieces like the Peste and OW one when the spirit so moves me or I am invited, c) articles I’m interested in writing (like the depoliticization piece) but at my own pace and not comitting to timelines until the piece is drafted, and d) a book project and/or reading around broadly in the general direction of a book project with that involving some degree of disciplined writing to think about what I read so that even if the result is not prose I can put into a book it’s still time in the chair, so to speak. I’m going to marinate on this, that sounds good to me. It’s most of what I’ve been doing anyway though I’ve done more medium-sized, medium-term work and on deadlines involving some hurrying and overwork on those projects in a way that has sometimes felt like it’s at the expense of a long term project rather than advancing one. (The more short form writing I’ve done has felt like it’s advancing a long term project.) So how am I feeling? A little nervous, some tweaks to be made, but over all good, I like the things I’m learning and working on and the interactions with people that these projects facilitate. And now today? Going to do 20 minutes with a timer on the new left essay then same on a book review, then same on non-writing-related work obglitations, then work out and cook. I’m thinking weighted carries in the yard if the temp is amenable. Might cook first, wanna make lasagna! Alright enough. Okay I did work on the essay (went over 20 min) and the review (aimed for 15 min this time, went over that). The going over is fine for now, will need to be more disciplined once the school year gets closer or begins. Didn’t work on syllabi, that’s fine. Might try to do so before bed or just punt. Feeling good about what I did get done. Onto cooking, exercise, etc. Wednesday 7-19-23 How am I feeling today about writing? Harried and inadequate! At least that’s some of the feelings. I slept poorly last night, have not spent the day especially well, have an errand to run later in the afternoon which will constrict work time so I worry I won’t get the writing in today that I would like to. I think I respond to that worry by procrastinating, which just worsens things. I think I also procrastinate in ways that provide things I crave - sense of connection and accomplishment - but not as effectively as if I really chose to focus on those needs. Anyway. So that’s harried. Inadequate: partly I’m just tired today, partly I’m thinking for some reason about things I don’t know, gaps and shortcomings, things I wish I was better at. “For some reason” - part of the reason anyway is just being tired, I think it’s like posture: when sleepy, easy to physically slouch, and easy to do the mental/emotional equivalent of slouching. Maybe also a bit of jealousy of people who know more stuff, have more time to learn and think? Unfairness is real and resentment is understandable but it’s a waste of energy to dwell on, burning already scarce time, so better to just acknowledge that I wish I had more time and resources for the things I care more about and had less obligations to things I care less about, work through that a little, like here, and move on. Alright the pep talk is already working, and I think the coffee is kicking in as well. Going to do like yesterday, 20 min each on the new left piece and the book review. Feeling a little nervous about each of those (will they be good?!) and also excited, I enjoy the doing of each, and what could be better than doing something I enjoy? Alright onto it, music’s on, setting the timer and will get started. Thursday 7-20-23 How am I feeling about writing? The usual! Mix of positive and negative, and some of the negative is referred/displaced feelings about other stuff. I think I should go back to tracking words generated. I did a quick look now and the op-ed sort of stuff plus free writing for academic work puts me at around 7,000 words this month and I suspect I’ve forgotten something. So quantity’s there, writing is happening. The rational kernel of the ‘I’m not writing’ feeling is being unfocused, not moving toward a single big project like the book was. So I should think about how to get progress in that sense into the mix as well. I could track over all words and words toward a book too. That means choosing a specific book project out of all the ideas I’m contemplating. I think at some level I’m enjoying contemplating and am using it as a way to procrastinate. In any case, this is a fine place to be really, not a perfect stopping place but a hard won place to be and a good place, in motion and equipped. I will make a mental note to set up a word count tracker again and to commit to writing the social murder book, and to doing research on analogues to that book to take as models, and mostly I’ll stay the course, keeping on doing as I’m doing. So today? Short input on the new left piece, then input on review, then deal with edits I got in my email, then some reading and some other tasks, hoping to get a workout in as well. Going to make a note elsewhere to flesh out to-do list more, I like to keep non-writing stuff out of this diary, the point of this being to focus on writing. Ok did that and it amped up temptation to not write! I shoukd get on top of planning non-writing tasks as a way to plan to keep writing on top of other tasks in my priorities and especially my lived/actually practiced priorities, and not have stuff like this where I remember I have something else to do and write it down and that distracts from writing. Not a big deal, just noticing it. Got the music on, time for 20min each on the new left piece and review. Friday July 21-23 Writing the diary late in the day. I did a work call for a talk, prepped the talk in writing, read around. All of that’s good and is writing-related, maybe is writing, and is also adjacent to the stuff that feels most like writing and by which I most measure success. Maybe the metric’s need a tune up. Yes, I think that’s true, they do. And also I think the rational kernel to the unease I have is what I was saying in here the other day about advancing a single specific project, a book in particular. I am also in part just impatient with marinating, fermenting, and at the same time I am I think being reasonable when I say that I’m not putting enough in the jar, so to speak, to marinate and ferment. This is all fine, it will work out, but is something to think about and figure out sooner rather than later. Which book am I writing next? Or am I writing two books at once? Choose, act accordingly. And in the meantime don’t undervalue what I’m doing now, which I am pleased with and satisfied about. Like, say I somehow found an extra four hours a week and all of those 4 went to a new book in addition to everything else I’m doing, that sounds really wonderful to me, perfect really. (Inhabiting I’d likely find fault, being a fault-finder by habit!) Good to reflect like this - and while I don’t think I can find another 4 hours a week, I bet I can find about 90 minutes a week, approximately 20 minutes a day m-f. Anyway, quick accounting: got a short op-ed type piece finished revising and out the door, plus the prep for upcoming talk that I mentioned, and I heard back from another editor on another shortish op-ed type piece. Going to leave the latter for another day and now do a quick input into the two articles. Going to shoot for some syllabus time before bed, to save future me some hassle, but not committing to that. Right now I’m enjoying the freedom from semester obligations and any input into them I want to make sure is short and either compresses total work time or increases satisfaction in work. Alright onto the writing work I just mentioned. I wrote this in Bean then pasted it into Scrivener before turning to doing the writing work, and felt strong temptation to do something else, read the news etc. Resistance, I guess, facilitated by the context switching from Bean to here, however minor it is, plus by having the option. I’m listening to music online but should probly shut off the wifi and listen to music that’s housed on the laptop. Good to remember this for future best practices. Oh and related, I think not choosing what exactly to work on also opened up the context for that temptation to operate, the pause to collect my thoughts let the temptation creep in. So, 20 min on new left piece, skeletonizing and reverse outlining and freewriting, then 20min free writing and note taking for the book review. Went over 20 minutes on the new left essay but got through the current phase of doing pass throughs to skeletonize, assigning free writes to different sections. I now have a single document again, just under 7700 words I think. Shitty first draft but a draft exists so that’s something for sure! Hoping to do a brief input of time on the book review now then exercise, family stuff, some non-writing work before bed, over the weekend read some more for the thing on Monday Thursday 8-3-23 Diary entries for a week, then none for a week and none for this week until today. I think doing those entries helped me then writing was going better and I stopped feeling an immediate need for them, stopped doing them. I like to write these entries with a timer, remembered I hadn’t set one this time and thought I’d try a stopwatch rn instead of a timer. Starting nnnnnow. So what’s on my mind. Not feeling great about writing. The draft of the new left article seems bad? I’d like it to be good? Obviously I just need to keep going. This is my normal distress and worry while mid-process. I don’t like how it feels and that’s okay. What’s the cliche, if you’re going through hell keep on going? This isn’t hell of course, just discomfort. Part of it is also that I really don’t know this material as well as I would like to and that feels funny. I spent a long while on things I do know, maybe too long, and it’s very rewarding and good to come to know new things, and feels different. What else. I had a pair of essays come out, one last week and one this week. I’m pleased with the essays and it’s also a weird feeling and experience whenever something actually comes out. Remembering Irvine Welsh saying he tried to do as James Kelman told him, just crack on with the work. Not that I’m on their level at all of course. (Speaking of which, I need to read more fiction.) Just crack on. I think I’m a little hungry for community in the cracking on, in the doing. I don’t know if that’s feasible as the writing is largely done alone, always done alone maybe? Part of the distraction and time lost - and I do lose time - after a piece comes out and in some other times as well is in pursuing more intellectual community, trying to be less alone in the doing. Ah well. Normal stresses, all well within the optimal range. So now what? I’m going to do some work with a timer on the new left essay then timed free write on an editorial/essay trying to find what’s a new idea in it for me. I’ve written three op/eds this summer that I sent out, one published and two not. I don’t know if that’s a good ratio and don’t know if the op/eds are any good. I don’t like any of the pre-writing inquiry stuff, lazy on my part I suppose but I didn’t want to be a writer because I liked to write office emails. I’d like to do more of that kind of writing and to get better at it, just at the level of craft. I’m tempted to start a substack but it feels unsavory. I also don’t want to get into the habit of mind of thinking writing matters in the world, at least not my writing, aside from the benefits of thinking new thoughts - sort of art type writing rather than something with an instrumental value or that makes something happen. Anyway, going to crack on now with working on the new left essay and the free write, then will do non-writing-related tasks. Stop watch says ten minutes, maybe too long, better to set a timer and a stop watch, reign this in, devote the time to other writing? Unsure, fine to be unsure. Monday 8-7-23 No diary friday. Why? Can’t remember. What did I do Friday? Can’t remember! Some writing work of some kind I know, maybe some reading as well? Unsure! Late start today, family obligations - fun ones though, glad for it, not complaining, just trying to make the mental gear change now. The impending semester is distracting, feels like walking toward the highway, the noise and lights increasing little by little, the anticipation of having to walk across increasing as well. I talked to someone I know the other day who is a former school teacher. They said they remembered when they faced the new school year with excitement, and when that went away - overwork and understaffing, which are management behaviors but mediated ones, mostly it was more direct management behaviors that did it. I relate, didn’t want to. This isn’t for that, that already takes too much, I’m not here now for that, I’m here now for writing, the above is good insofar as it helps push that away, clear space for writing. Must remember that. Allow the presence of other matters here to the degree that that presence helps me step around those matters mentally and into the writing headspace. I’m in the writing headspace, this is writing, but not the kind I want to be in. I suppose that’s how it works: begin from a nonwriting headspace immersed in nonwriting matters, begin writing still so immersed, gradually shift into a writing headspace then change what I’m immersed in. And so, what’s the plan, get immersed in what? I wrote out a to do list on paper, too much chaff on it - nonwriting and not stuff I want - but fine, whatever, we play the hand we’re dealt, and there are some good nonwriting bits as well, it’s just the highway noise getting in my head I think. Onto the first writing task on the list. Oh wait before I do so - the list today includes maximum times spent as well. This will get more important as the semester gets closer then begins. Part of what’s great about the summer is I can stretch out longer in writing times - and be less disciplined about starting with precision - but in the teaching year if I go too long then other obligations get neglected in ways that form new and more time consuming obligations (the chaff becomes food for new obligations to grow - I don’t know if that metaphor actually bears scrutiny but it doesn’t have to here), so practicing this discipline before the semester starts will be doing myself a favor, as one does well to have a skill and habit in place before one needs it. One last thought, randomly about the year - I am feeling some frustration at the institutionally-generated difficulties and lack of greater support for my efforts at forming and sustaining writing community, including some of the modes of subjectivity that are generated by institutional conditions such that the soil is less hospitable, so to speak, and weedy. Slightly less vaguely: it becomes reasonable under the circumstances to guard time in the short term when there’s some degree of internally-generated writing energy but doing so in ways that are penny wise and pound foolish - less community and relationships with writers leading to an environment less conducive to writing which becomes more of a problem when people’s internally-generated writing energy gives out. A shame and one I find dispiriting. A very monday sorst of diary entry here! Anyway, onto the first task, inputting time on the new left piece. Work on that piece went very well and I was undisciplined about how much time it took, and with my time otherwise. Not much day left, unsure what I’ll do next. Tuesday 8-8-23 Late start again, up too late and spent some of the day distracted by having work come out into the world, some reception of that work. I’m honored and grateful for all of that, just still learning to manage my time and energy - need to crack on with the work before indulding in that stuff rather than after. It’s fine, just a day or two here and there won’t matter really, the long term trends and patterns are what matter and those indicators are fine (in my writing life I mean, certainly not in the world as a whole, yowza!) Gotta figure out when I can take some days off, need that for myself and for family. Also the noise of the semester impending is still there, must see if I can do anything to manage that. For now, remains of the day, doing what? Short inputs each on the new left piece and Jha piece then going to see about to-do listing. How do I feel about those? Content-wise, object-wise, neither is as I wish it were yet, unsure if either will end up as I’d like. Both clear the bar for success though, as objects, and both have been tremendously rewarding experiences, on that front no regrets at all and much I actively embrace! I think reception of the work encourages me to overemphasize the object and underemphasize the experience, must remember to inhabit the experience above all, all of this as moments in my intellectual doing rather than instances of an intellectual done, in Holloway terms. I will say I do think writing this diary is helping and I’m pleased to be back onto that, the benefits feel good and it’s nice to feel proactive as well. Alright onto the writing. Wednesday 8-9-23 Music on, that’s a start! Feeling slow, sleepy today. Also feeling more contented than the recent usual so that’s good. Reading a novel, Young Mungo, very bleak and sad but lovely too. My kids did the public library reading challenge this summer and I decided I’d set my own for the month, 20min of fiction reading each day. Odd that doing something I like and care a lot about should take effort like that but either way, it’s good, glad to have realized I should do this. Agenda for writing today is short, mostly have non-writing obligations to focus on but that’s mostly a choice I’m making - I agreed to those obligations and I’ve decided to prioritize them today, and it’s a good call that protects future writing time. How am I feeling about current writing projects? Good, pretty good anyway. Reminding myself that the projects are really a means to have a certain kind of life - learning, discussion, time spent concentrating - helps offset the worries that come from my aspirations for the work as object and fear of people judging the work. I’m still a little adrift, unsettled about future book projects, partly still fermenting and partly needing to commit I think. I’ve started a folder for one of the book projects so that’s something, and the small projects move the bigger ones along, keep them alive - feeding the fermentation so to speak. Okay onto today’s writing. Thursday 8-10-23 Woke up thirst, headachey - slightly hungover, basically, except I’d had no alcohol. Dehydration from taking a kind of long walk late in the day yesterday while talking on the phone with a friend followed by another walk with one of my kids and then not drinking enough water given the heat and humidity. I got some ‘rehydrate fast!’ powdered sports drink as a free sample, I forget where, came with an order of something, so I had that plus a fair bit of water and it helped but not fully. That’s all to say I’ve been feeling a little dragged out today. Had a bit of enervating work news and work tasks but they all ended up fine, one very good actually so that I got a boost from it. Now late in the day with getting to writing tasks though I did plan for that this time - a choice rather than disorganization, that’s good, feels alright - so that’s for the better. I had another thing come out which is nice as well though again time spent dwelling in the reception of my work is not a good use of time relative to the priority of doing writing. I did reduce that time spent dwelling though, so that’s good as well. It’s less a matter of the individual day’s evaluation and more a matter of what’s the arc of the line on which the day is one point. I think the arc is good really and I’m taking steps to maintain that, so I’m pleased. How am I feeling about writing? Nothing new to add here - a little nervous about the product, pleased about performance on process while aware of the need to keep up effort to sustain that, and pleased with the intellectual life all of this is facilitating. Having just typed that I think I am feeling more patient than I usually do, perhaps growing more patient as a writer. I like to think so anyway. Alright so plan for writing session: I’m going to do ten minutes, no more, on the socialist humanist piece, ten minutes free writing for an idea I just had, and ten minutes reviewing feedback on another piece then call it a day. Going to be strict with those time limits and report performance to that effect here. Ten min on first piece done, didn’t want to stop when the timer went off, am stopping! By the way my process on this piece is going well - diagonistic read to generate prompts for myself plus leaving small bits as bracketed [work this out later] parts and the continuing to write the next thing I can write. I’m going through all those prompts one at a time and it’s pretty easy and kind of fun really. I’m putting all the responses to the prompts into one document and I’ll figure out how to integrate the responses into the rest of the document later when I’m done answering all the prompts. This lets me concentrate on just answering the prompt, generating the info and idea and a serviceable expression thereof without having to deal with the details of how that prose fits w/ the prose and organization of the section where I think that content will go. And presumably later when I do that integrating it will also go better since I don’t have to be trying to come up with an idea while also figuring out how to express it in a way integrated into the existing passage. Onto the next 10 min. I started that without setting the timer, at most did so for 5 minutes, probly more like 2-3, so I set the timer for five. I got 300 words toward a new idea for a piece that I’m genuinely very excited about so that’s cool. Onto the last ten minute session. Saturday 8-12-23 Took the day largely off yesterday, other than a work meeting and some email, didn’t write as far as I can recall. Today I got proofs for my social murder chapter and got them all turned around, so that’s good. Going to put a quick bit into the socialist humanism essay before bed because I want to - will enjoy it, and want to keep up some momentum a bit as I will have a few more days off later, and as I’m a little concerned about meeting the deadline. I’d like to avoid requesting an extension, and want to be able get it done as fast as possible if granted an extension both for the sake of being timely with people I work with and for the sake of getting it off my desk so I can focus on other obligations and my next writing deadline some time in late september or early october (need to check that date actually as it may come earlier than I thought!) Monday 8-14-23 Took today mostly off work, we’re going camping tomorrow and the next day. Not sure when I’ll be back at it. I’m looking forward to the trip but feeling a little nervous about deadlines and sort of pre-resenting the semester. I’m excited to teach, I like meeting the students and the stuff we’re reading this fall is cool, though it’s going to be a heavy reading load. I’m annoyed by all the meetings though, I’ve already got two scheduled for the first week, and I know email will be kicking into higher gear soon too. Oh well. Have to have a job and all. I’m hoping to put a little time into writing on the socialist humanism/new left essay tonight before bed, though I’m pretty tired so who knows. Let’s see, how am I feeling about the writing itself, rather than the context? Well the context keeps looming large, I’m pretty worried I can’t meet the deadline for this. But the writing itself, I’m enjoying it, learning a lot, getting curious about a lot more, which is very satisfying. Okay I’m going to start doing some work on it now, might get interrupted, we’ll see. Thursday 8-18-23 Took off the last few days for camping trip and today decompressing - came home very tired out. Not sure if I’ll work tomorrow. Next week I have to be back at it properly, get the semester set up and all, and I need to get this article wrapped up and out the door or else ask for an extension. Yikes. Feeling generally good despite being tired out. It was good to get away from work for a few days, the work of writing and the rest, especially the basket of work I find annoying. One bit of good news is that I feel like my intellectual curiosity is back in a pretty serious way. This new project, I have lots of ideass for offshoots, whether or not I ever do them it’s just satisfying to have the impulse. And then as I have more of a habit of thinking of new projects then I just think of new possible things related to whatever’s on my mind work-wise, for a lot of it anyway. So that’s cool. At some point I should do some goalsetting for the fall through the start of the spring semester, given what all I have on my plate right no and expect to have on. Not right now though. Right now the goal is to just put in a session on this article so that when I’m fully back to it I can hit the ground running. Other than deadline nerves I’m overall feeling excited about this project. Thursday 8-24-23 Took Friday off to round out the week off, this week’s been focused on prepping for the fall. Syllabi and course web sites are done. At some point I’ll prep course lessons/sessions but that can wait. It’s a little frustrating to not have been engaged with writing for a few days because of other work responsibilities but I guess that’s just the reality of the situation. I had an idea for an essay today, just took a moment to write that down so I won’t forget it. That felt good, not sure exactly why or how but something to that feeling good, speaks to something that’s going well and that I could attend to more, spend more time dwelling in/on what’s going well. The curiosity is fun and sets me up for other future positives. I need to take a break and eat and drink some water - very hot today - then am going to spend time on the new left piece, that will likely be most of the day, and after that some triage and whatnot to save future me some time so as to preserve writing time and energy. How am I feeling about the writing? A little nervous about having been away from it and about the combination of deadlines and other obligations. I remain excited about the thinking and where it’s led and continues to lead me, so that’s good. If the piece falls short of my aspirations, it’s still worth the work I’ve done (the work has felt good, been work in the way going to the gym is work, not so instrumental and more intrinsically important to me, which is great) and if that happens I can still figure out how to make something worthwhile from the piece. In a good spot and having normal ‘I’m in the thick of doing the thing’ kind of headspace. Alright, enough of that, quick break then down to writing properly.
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Posting these on 12-7-22, did an entry today, at the bottom of this post.
wednesday 12-1-21 I had other work I had to before writing today, real deadline stuff with consequences for other people, then I taught and now am very tired. Right after teaching I put some time into my draft in progress. It has stuff in it that I know I need to work on still but I sent it to some readers to check if the rest of it is okay. I’m feeling nervous about it but I’m also glad I worked on it today. I know worrying about it is a waste of energy, that’s a hard habit to shake. I guess if it sucks and they hate it, well, I’m still glad I wrote it, just for the sheer expenditure of time and energry and also because I have really learned things by writing it and I’m pleased about that as well, it’s good to think, really. I also put a little time today into planning out other projects and time management and stuff. That’s a longer term thing to think about and I’m going to talk with Alex and some other colleagues and friends about this. For now, I want to start treating the new reading projects as classes I’m enrolled in, commit to doing some work on them each week at specific times. The truth is I’m intimidated to learn new stuff which is one reason why I’m not prioritiziing doing that new reading enough. thursday 12-2-21 For a moment I was in the wrong folder and thought I hadn’t written in here yesterday when I actually had, had a bigger emotional response to that than I would have expected. I guess the routine is more of an emotional anchor/I’m more invested in it than I realized. Been a bit of a week, slow day today partly as a result, and I just didn’t make that great of choices today. One thing I did do today is a brain dump of tasks and whatnot, which reduced some anxiety I’ve been having about whether I was forgetting things. I sent my draft article for the symposium to some readers, so that’s good. It has some indentifiable tasks left to work on it, which I can still work on for now as they’re marked in the draft I sent people. If I finished the draft and then sent it there wouldn’t be time for them to read it before the deadline (13th!) so I feel like this was a good call on my part. I’m feeling nervous about the draft, some of that’s referred anxiety because I’m generally kind of nervous these days, and some of that’s my habit of anticipating reception, judging the product early and inappropriately, etc. Reminding myself I like the piece and am glad I wrote it: worst case scenario, I’m collecting rejection notices like real writers do, plus I still learned something and had new ideas. Okay short free write then work session on that. Saturday 12-4-21 Friday, yesterday, got away from me and I don’t remember why anymore. It was a disappointing, upsetting day. Today I’ve done family and house stuff and that’s been nice, and I’ve done work-related reading in ways that I’ve enjoyed as well, which is cool. Nice to enjoy the work. Have to make more emphasis on dwelling in that headspace. Curiosity, energy, relationships, that’s the place to be really, and not in an instrumental or audience-oriented headspace. I need to go to bed soon but I’m going to put in a little time on the disability and law article. I will say, doing this now, and doing the bits of work I did today, feels nice in that it feels like I own in, chose it. Okay onto a short session writing. Thursday 2-10-22 I set up a playlist trying to automate my daily routine and whatnot, trying to get back on track. It’s been a hard and disrupted time. That said I did get some work done in that time, no need to waste energy kicking myself. I’m back to teaching f2f and need the routine more now so I’m re-establishing it. What am I working on? How am I feeling? Kinda tired and grumpy over all but trying to find good things to focus on. Students are good so far, that’s nice, got a nice thank you note from one who got into law school w/ a scholarship. Writing feelings: a little discombobulated, short projects on my mind more than long term, really need to sort that out. Tempted to change long projects again and write a short synthetic book, but also intimidated. Lots of unknowns with funding and covid and whatnot, makes that sound like a better idea for now, but it’s a lot to cover. Idk. Just stay in motion. For today: editing chapter, doing daily routine, putting in the time, that’s all. Option paralysis and dithering wastes energy. Plus everything I’m doing is good, I’m learning from it and building relationships, this is what I should be doing, I’m just feeling the stress of the situation and the ordinary hard work feelings and that feels like something’s gone wrong but nothing has. My tune up of my routine is good, the self-reflection’s a good skill, good problem solving and will pay off in the long term. Okay time’s about up, going to do the next bit of the routine! Friday 2-11-22 Vent file again. I haven’t last done this regularly since early december or late november, I guess that’s not that long of a time away really, I’ve had longer bouts anyway. Working to get back into a routine and get my equilibrium back. I’m tired today, slept poorly. Frustrated with the decision-makers at work but actually pretty happy with my corners, wish the decisionmakers could just leave me alone in my corners. Fantasies again of lottery winnings, being independently wealthy. How am I feeling about my actual writing? I want more time to devote to it. I want to be further into a longer project. I need to either commit to one or commit to this preparatory phase with multiple options and then pursue that directly. If the pandemic was over what would I do? I think I’d write the potentially archivally-based project. Can I do the project without archives? Yes, but maybe not as well. Then maybe just pursue that project anyway, and really by the time I have time to go to archives, the pandemic will likely have calmed down. Alternatively split time betweren both projects. Really either is fine. Don’t spend energy choosing between the two, though, that’s time and energy better spent on doing the actual work for either or both projects. That seems sensible. I’ll note I’ve been doing shorter things as well and enjoying that. Do I want to keep doing that? I guess so, yes, but I also want to learn new things rather than write short things on what I already know. How to integrate those goals? Enough venting for today, time’s up. Tuesday 2-15-22 I don’t like the concentration of my teaching on a couple days, or rather, the amount of time and energy that takes leaves me worn out afterward and it’s hard to get anything else done on those days and for at least some of the day on the days after. I suppose I could get more exercise and be more diligent about getting more sleep and that’d likely offset some of the hit I take from teaching but over all it’s just a lot of work and I’m feeling the weight in other areas of my life including my scholarly life. One facet of this is that I’ve not managed to write on Monday or Wednesday since the semester has started. Oh well. We play the hand we’re dealt. That said, I’ve remained a productive writer, more short and medium form. I’m pleased about that and also not fully satisfied as I want to be further along in writing a book. How do you even write a book though?! Maybe I should read a how to write a dissertation book, since my book was based on my dissertation Oh well. It will work out. I’m creating the habits and context that the book will emerge from, I’m just impatient because I don’t have a fully worked out plan and I’m not at point in the learning/doing curve that I prefer to be at. I set up a playlist for my daily routine and some other playlists for getting other work done. It’s a new effort/device, part of getting back to how I want to work and laying some foundation for the results I want to see in the long term. So far so good. I might tweak it to add ‘read from a writing book’ to it, that might help me. But over all, so far so good for the week or so I’ve been doing it. I’m also trying trackign performance visually with color blocks in a spreadsheet. Ope, time’s up, moving on. Thursday 2-17-22 I continue to feel erratic in my performance. Tired, undermotivated, etc etc. Conditions remain poor. On an upnote, I am less miserable than previously, burn out is slowly reversing, so that’s good. I remain amid moral distress and institutional betrayal, which is less good. I am cautiously optimistic that in the long term of my own life it will all work out well though. Long week and unexpectedly hectic, virtual conference tomorrow and saturday as well. I’m excited about that but not quite ready and need to get fired up for the last push today, and also need to be prepared for the lull/crash after. Some other vent pieces: I’m intellectually kind of lonely, especially related to my new long term scholarly interests, and I need to make those new interests more of a lived/practical priority. Part of why I don’t is sheer intimidation as well. Ah well. Little by little. I am excited about this conference presentation I’m finishing and everything else I’m currently part of, so that’s good. Just keep going, do that stuff, find time for the other longer term stuff, it’ll all work out. I’m also stoked about some of the planning and organization for productivity stuff that I’ve been doing. 8-30-21 (forgot to post this at the time, I think I put it in the wrong folder by mistake, posted here out of order) I’m under a tree on campus, my first class of the semester starts in half an hours. My writing routine has fallen apart in recent times, I want to re-establish it. Most of pressures under which my routine crumbled come from The Semester, which really means how poorly run my employer’s response to the pandemic is and the resulting stresses. Handling all this disgust and outrage has been hard though obviously that ranks low in the list of pandemic evils. I would like to win the lottery and never work again. I used to say if I won the lottery I’d do this part time. I might still, but not at this institution. What am I writing? I need to refresh my memory. An essay on disability for a law review. Anything else? I’m not sure. I have a book project to work on, more in the reading than writing stage. My commitment to writing is embattled. I do actually want to write, and I want to want to write, I want a greater drive to write than I currently have. How to cultivate that? One thing is to try to cabin off management and those frustrations from my writing life. Another is to try to find or build more community, and sort of related to look for work to be in dialog with as a writer. Sources of community: exchanging a page with Alex, asking friends to read, bringing work to senior seminar. Related: reading for others, I have a list. I think more mutuality will help - do something for someone else to feel better about I’m doing also. I’m going to free write for five minutes on the disability essay. Wednesday 9-14-22 First writing diary entry in a long time, using the Sprinter web app thing. Boy where even am I as a writer these days? Since I last wrote one of these I think I've written a fair number of pieces that are out in the world, which is good, and yet I also feel discombobulated in my writing life (and not just my writing life!) I like the writing I've been doing and I also think I would benefit from more disciplining of my time, some time kept for the kinds of writing and shorter pieces I've been doing and more time held for the kind of long project I'm sort of hungering for, really a new book. I suppose then this means the issue isn't so much my writing - in the sense of being at the keyboard typing and revising or in the sense of what the results and quality thereof are - but rather the organization of my intellectual, creative, and professional life and how I feel about/what I get from that. I like the thoughts I'm having by writing these pieces and the pieces themselves, and I like having stuff to share, the relative sense of feedback loop with friends and audience. I also miss the sense of being caught up in a larger project, the sustained inquiry and curiosity of it. I also just want more regularity of inhabiting a flow state. Okay well that's a diagnosis. From here, organize my time better. On an upnote I can tell that I'm recovering from burnout (and less upnote, that I'm not fully recovered yet). That's good news, hopeful, nice to have something optimistic and positive going on. I like Sprinter and this makes me want to do more with the alphasmart, makes me more tempted to get one of the new ones or one of the more expensive (even more, the new ones are pretty pricey, unduly so imho) adjacent models, the freewrite I mean. I like this relatively low distraction writing headspace. Music on and typing, feels good man. Probably would be a good idea to do another project dump then chunk them into consistencies - projects and interests really, like finishing through Clarke's work, reading around in the international political economy literature influenced by Peter Burnham. Also good to think about how that kind of thing relates to being a writer - can I find projects in it in the shorter term or am I reading this for my long term edification alone? Either answer is fine but good to clarify and to be ambitious. I think I also have likely been flitting between projects (something like taking multiple classes at the same time) when I might be better served by picking one and doing a deeper more focused dive. That sounds in tension with my 'hold time for short projects, hold time for a long project' thing above but I don't think it is, really what I'm doing with reading specifically is in my minimal reading time I'm flitting across and that makes it harder to see progress. To be clear I am making progress but I'm doing a little across multiple interests, again without a ton of over all reading time devoted, which has some nice qualities but is also a recipe for spending more time feeling my current sense of stasis. Somewhere I have notes and maybe even some audio files for daily routine, focus, and organization. I should revisit those in adition to the larger scale planning I mentioned. All of that will give me some kind of tune up and lead to more productive and enjoyable results, even if I don't hit 100% of my expectations/aspirations. Alright well I feel good about all this. Going to stop there. I'm teaching soon, I'll read a bit of my current book (labor history reading) before teaching. Will aim to do the above self-clarification and improving routine in the next couple days. I should do more in Sprinter like this too, might not even really need the Alphasmart if I'm disciplined about doing this. Wednesday 12-7-22 Back to writing diary again. Routine fell apart at some point - I guess my routine was more organic to/interwoven with the projects I was doing than I realized - and I've yet to put it back together. I checked my Scrivener folder of unposted diary entries and I think the last one was in September, it's early December now, and entries in 2022 are thin on the ground. It's not like I get points per entry or whatever, but I do think I've stopped the diary and have not replaced it with something else that provides for at least some of the needs that the diary met. I should do a stock-taking on here of my writing this year. I think I've actually had a productive writing year but I don't *feel* productive. Of course how the work feels and how the work is in fact going are not the same by any means. In the last few days or week I finished revisions on a short-ish public facing article and a medium-short book review and I immediately felt unproductive, I got no 'I'm productive' feeling. I think that feeling may be more generated by writing routine than the output or content of the writing? I do think that I feel more productive when I'm covering more ground intellectually - learning new stuff, basically, becoming different so to speak, developing. And a working routine that keeps me on an even keel also provides that feeling, or maybe it's multiple feelings and I apply an overly broad label to them, I dunno. Anyhow, good to be doing this again, reminder that it's a good idea. I'm using the Sprinter app again, I think this does aid concentration. I need to check on my money situation, I might buy an electric typewriter thing for the sake of doing more of this reduced distraction writing. Okay so that's a bit of venting about the state of my writing life. A bit more is in order I think: I've been writing reactively, in response to people reaching out to me (for which I am so grateful!), more than I've been actively pursuing an ongoing project. This is working insofar as I'm getting writing done and am in community. I think I want a bit more control though in that an ongoing project I'm pursuing is one that unfolds at the pace I put in time, whereas waiting for people to contact me means less control on my part. I don't know that this is a problem but at a gut level, hmm, no I think control is the wrong term. It's really that between contacts with people I'm not totally sure what to do, and also while working on pieces in response to contact I tend to shelve longer term pursuits/projects. So really all I need to do (not to say it's easy, if it's easy I'd have done it already) is to carve out some active regular time for those longer term projects and not shelve them when something else comes along - probly fine to reduce time on the longer term stuff when a new thing comes along, but not reduce to zero. Yeah I think that's it. This speaks again to the value of restoring routine. I will say also I'm just very intimidated by my longer term projects. Learning is hard and scary, not knowing yet - this early phase I'm in on new stuff is one of the most intimidating to me, I'm not in the middle yet, and large-scale projects make the early stage last a long time. No way out but through, though. So how am I doing? Scared and a little tired. As per...! But fundamentally well and those are just how it feels to be a writer, to me (not to say that's all of the feelings, by any means). I've listed out all my projects in a document to help organize myself in terms of work logistics. Might be worth doing some reflection on aspirations as well, in terms of craft, say, and bucket list as well. Alright that's enough for now,real quick what am I going to do? I think I'll post all the unposted diary entries so that's up to date, makes me feel a bit more accountable and on top of things to do that, and then I'm going to briefly free write then read for a project. wednesday 11-10-21
Holy moly I’m tired and low energy today. Thanksgiving break can’t come fast enough. But oh the grading catch up work I have to do…! Alright, so, what’s going on with my writing? I’m a little nervous this article will suck or at least won’t be what the people involved want, and am nervous I’m going to miss the deadline, which I don’t even remember rn. That’s mostly just wasted energy. I want to write the thing and am glad for the invitation to discuss my work. Still hard to get started though, ugh! Okay free writing on a new thing then putting some time into this project. thursday 11-11-21 Late to writing again today! I want to get more ironclad in my rule about writing related stuff before other uses of the computer. (I did some email before writing and that was a mistake, poor use of energy, wasteful.) Up-notes though: I had conversations with two colleagues about their stuff, one more process-focused and one about the ideas and structure of a work. I like those conversations a lot, felt good. I walked a long while during the conversation (phone call>zoom etc) so that was a bonus too, good to move around. I’m feeling a little nervous about this article still - anticipating future audiences and judgment - but I’m glad I’m writing it, I’m learning things, developing my ideas, and I feel good about the process actually. I’m going to do a quick free write then work on the article. friday 11-12-21 Feeling alright. Low key tired but not too bad, and pretty calm. Yesterday was a good day. I got done a day’s worth of work for a day’s worth of time, and work I care about, so that’s nice. For some reason I just want to type about how nice a hot shower is on a cold day, so, well, there’s something nice about hot shower at this time of year! Light snow today, not enough to stick, just winter shouting hello from down the street. Nice to see more evidence of time passing and I’m glad to know the semester’s nearly done. Covid complicates that feeling, because winter’s looking like another surge and the peope who should be responsible for responding are irresponsible. I am looking forward to more low key times away from regular interactions with job stuff and getting to chill out more with my family. I’m starting to think about errands and obligations now - I remember reading something about productivity and it talked about how open tasks, unticked boxes so to speak, are a distraction especially when they’re not written down; that fits with my experience I think, so many small drains on time and on attention so that the remaining time is lower quality. Since those thoughts are starting to sound I think it’s time to free write a litte then work on this paper draft. It will feel good to lock in and focus. second entry 11-12-21 One of the items in my daily routine is to read a bit of a writing book. One of the books I’m reading is Helen Sword’s Air and Light and Space and Time. Looking at the self-assessment in the beginning of that book feels helpful. Having just taken it (I ranked myself moderate/6-8 in all habits but emotional, which I ranked 3-5) I think I should focus on improving my emotional habits, then my behavioral habits then my social habits, as my ranking was less confident in those and I just sort of feel at a gut level that that’s where I should work at mostly. (I’ve done some work to improve my prose and I enjoy that, I feel alright about where I am at that in the contexts I work in and for me that’s something to keep working on but to not make top priority until the other pieces are in place. I do want to make that the top priority some day though.) I want to also recognize some success here, which is that on the behavioral, artisanal, and social I’ve taken active steps to improve for a while in multiple ways and those steps have significantly paid off. I’ve not really taken active steps on emotional habits in a while, though I did do some work drawing on the Boice book a while ago and that did help - that’s reason to be optimistic. On that, I’ll note two or three further elements of progress, one, I really do believe I can improve my emotional disposition to writing, which for a long time I did not believe; two, my emotional habits have genuinely improved, and three, what I’m doing here of recognizing success and progress is itself an example of that progress. In order to work on this I think I’ll read the sections in each part of Sword’s book on that set of habits, and read Boice and maybe Jensen, and free write on the relevant stuff, do the exercises, etc. monday 11-15-21 Monday. Again. Feeling like Garfield, then laughing unpleasantly at myself for feeling like a cartoon. The way my employer is handling the pandemic has created more work and burnout and has also reduced my respect and trust for institutional decisions. That in turn makes monday worse, burdens my morale. As does the anger at being required to be in a classroom when I requested to teach online and when the pandemic is raging hard. Knowing they’re willing to put my kids at risk of covid, or that they’re just uninformed about the risks (and if that’s the case there’s no excuse, it’d be a willful ignorance), is a further burden. Some version of these thoughts is humming away constantly in my mind these days, and far more so on teaching days. I will say I enjoy the students and I look forward to a time when I look forward to teaching again regularly, when I’m excited to teach. What happens now is I’m awash with bad feelings until I walk in the door of the classroom, when I have a spike of anger at covid policy that subsides as I click into teaching mode and enjoy the time with students. I’m proud that I’m a good teacher and am staying relational and empathetic in my teaching right now despite the adverse circumstances, and I also think I’m being taken advantage of by the institution, my better nature set to work against me. Anyway. Writing diary, not teaching diary, but that stuff gets in the way of the writing sometimes, good to set it down here to vent. The cost to doing though is that while I’ve minimized an obstacle to writing I’ve created some distance between the writing because I’ve been thinking about other things. Gotta walk back toward the writing, return focus to where it belongs. I read a bit more of Helen Sword’s book over the weekend, made some notes. I think I’ll reread the whole book and mark it up further then go through my annotations bit by bit while at a keyboard for further journaling and reflection. I think that will be beneficial. On second thought, I’ll reread the current section on emotional habits then read the related parts of Boice then go through my annotations of this part of Sword and those bits of Boice, and continue to bounce between the two books in their areas of overlap. Over the weekend I also sent some emails to book review editors at journals, saying I like book reviewing and would love to be on their list as a reviewer. I don’t know that anything will come of it but good to try. Better to make the effort than not. I believe that intellectually but at a gut level I’m often pre-discouraged, as if it’s better to not make the effort since I suspect the effort won’t pan out anyway. That’s a bad mental habit, and one I apply to my writing to some extent as well. Thinking a bit now with the Sword book, I think I’m better at controlling my external behavior than my emotional responses - I wrote those emails despite how I felt about them. Changing both is part of the current plan, long term, with rereading the Sword and the Boice books. So today’s writing. How am I feeling? A little sleepy yet but not too bad, and no loud emotional response to the article. A little nervous about future reception, will it work or not, will I finish it, etc. I will finish it, I know how, and it’s already been well received in seed form by the small handful of people who I’ve talked about it with and shown bits of the drafts to. It may not succeed in the venue I want it to succeed in but I can’t control that, focus on controlling the controllables, and that venue isn’t the arbiter of the value of the piece, they’re just the arbiter of their own tastes and preferences. So I’ll find a home for it somewhere else eventually. And I remain excited about the connections I’m making and ideas I’m coming up with. Today’s writing work is the usual. This diary, a free write, a short session on this piece, a little reading of a writing book, then onto other responsibilities. The diary’s gone a bit long today but I think I needed some extra throat clearing today. Off to free write now. tuesday 11-16-21 Man the hangover after teaching is so intense this semester, and moreso each week. My god. Today I had other commitments in the morning, which were nice, stuff I enjoyed, and helped me power through the post-teaching-day fog but also now it’s late in the day and I’ve not written and am sitting down to write even foggier. Too late in the day for another cup of coffee too. Oh well. We play the hand we’re dealt, and on an up-note, no particularly big feelings today. The usual low grade nerves in anticipation of judgment, but quieter today, and I like this piece and will be glad I wrote it even if it should not be received as I wish it to be. Going to free write now then short writing session, the usual. wednesday 11-17-21 I’m near to boiling over with anger and disgust about the pandemic and the handling of it by my employer and other institutional authorities, including all the gaslighting. Hard to set all that down and think about anything else, in part because it’s in the neighborhood of what I work on. I should consider making it even more proximate to what I work on, since it’s hard to stop thinking about it anyway, at least then this would be productive thinking. Ugh. Anyway. Short on time, teaching in not too long. How am I feeling about writing? I’m having a little bit of ‘what’s the point’ and some other anxieties. I think those get louder when my baseline emotional state is more upset. Underneath and simultaneous with those feelings, I like the work I’m doing, I think it’s interesting, I’m learning things, I look forward to seeing this piece unfold and to doing other work after this piece. I’m going to do a quick free write for my shoebox-of-future-ideas file then a quick writing session on this project then off to teach. thursday 11-18-21 Disrupted morning. Neighbor was getting internet installed, led to a mistaken disconnection of our internet, had to spent a long time on the phone w/ the company to get it restored. I came off that on the back foot and used my time poorly, compounded by the usual teaching hangover. Later in the day now than I would like. Oh well. More is more, better late than never, imperfect performance of routine on the way to improved performance - even more will be even more. So now today’s work…? Usual nerves about reception and deadline (deadline’s in just under a month, longer than I though so that’s good, though it’ll be a busy time w/ the semester wrapping up), usual reassurances: I’m glad I’m writing this thing, will be glad to have the object in some capacity regardless of immediate reception, the learning is its own reward, and worst case scenario I will be able to repurpose the object to put it in front of readers: this piece is worth writing and contains good ideas, and I have a supportive community that can help me deal with any curve balls that may occur. Here’s a thought: I feel uncomfortable with wanting people to read my stuff, but I do want people to read my stuff. I do care about having an audience. I’m not particularly prestige oriented but I do want to put my stuff out there. It’s a bit like being in a band rather than just being a bedroom/basement musician: performing to an audience is its own thing and I do like that and want to do it (both metaphorically as a writer and literally as a musician), and that’s alright, not something to be ashamed of. Ambivalence about this is understandable but it’s genuine ambivalence in that I have negative feelings associated with it and yet I also genuinely want to put my stuff out there, not only for the sake of the doing (though that is a big part of it) but also for the sake of putting stuff in front of audiences. Alright time to get into writing. Usual plan, shoe box free write quickly, then a session on this article. friday 11-19-21 Disrupted day. Smoke alarm went off early morning whent it was still dark out - false alarm, luckily, but hard to get back to sleep after, then I was up earlier than I’d prefer anyway for a work meeting, and the news is so dispiriting today. Upsides: faculty writing group was good, talking about colleagues with their work, and had two similar conversations afterward as well. It’s very late in the day now and I don’t think I’m going to get any quality writing done but I’ll but in a little time for the sake a better writing session Monday. tuesday 11-23-21 Yesterday went poorly. I checked my email early in the day and that sent everything sideways. I’m also worn out from the semester, accumulated overwork and burnout, and the world’s extra distracting today - fighty kids at home, covid news is bad, my employer’s response is bad. Ugh. I put on some uplifting music to try to turn my mood around - get this out of my system and replace it with a sense of possibility. How am I feeling about this article project? A little nervous about the deadline and content again, once again anticipating reception. I’m also dreading having to go back through and put in footnotes since I’m summarizing things I have in my head and read a while ago, but that’s just part of the work and not a big deal, just a bit dull, my reaction to it reflects my impatience. What am I in a hurry to get to with that impatience? I think I want to get out of this phase where I feel nervous and I want to get into my longer term project (and also don’t want to, I’m procrastinating on that!). Anyway. It’ll work out, just gotta be in the chair. One other thought: I recently finished Irvine Welsh’s novel Dead Men’s Trousers, which concludes the Trainspotting stories. I’ve been watching some interviews with him in the evenings when I’m doing dishes. He made some comment about enjoying the writing but not enjoying the selling and whatnot that he has to do after he has a finished work. I think there are elements of the ‘selling’ - the reception and gatekeeping - woven into the writing process and into our minds for at least some academic writers, I think that’s part of socialization/professionalizing due to grad school training. So it’s hard to be alone with the work and just work and hard to feel a sense of ownership and autonomy in the work, hard to get into a flow state, which is the best bit of the work I think. I think that stuff can be pushed out of my head though, at least to some extent. Alright enough, time to get down to it. wednesday 11-24-21 Monday I was really unproductive then yesterday I had trouble getting started but then overworked, finished the day feeling worn out, woke up today with a fever! Covid test came back negative, so that’s good at least. I’m working a little this afternoon after taking it easy, just plugging in a little for the sake of enjoying the work and having an easier time later. I’m a little nervous about this draft as I’ve cut the final section from the outline and am now like ‘maybe that was the pay off and the rest isn’t any good?’ plus I’m worried it will come in short. Oh well. Plug away, do what we can, then move on! I’m going to do a short free write then a work session on the article, then read a little. tuesday 11-30-21 I took a few days off over the thanksgiving holiday. That was nice but I ended up spending Sunday doing a lot of home maintenance projects which it was good to get done but I was very tired out at the end. Then I was back to teaching yesterday, feeling tired from Sunday plus a bit of stress from the mounting end of semester, worrying about when I’ll get all the grading done, thinking of the work I didn’t do over the break, etc. Again that’s a waste of energy. As a result, plus some poor time management, I just got teaching and email done yesterday. I’m getting a bit of late start today so today won’t be a day I really catch up. I’m okay with that. My middle kid got her second vaccine shot today! Hurray! I think over all my goal between now and end of the semester is mostly to get organized and put in small inputs of time so I’m set up to use then holiday break well and prepared to have a better spring semester. On an up note, it was really good to be off for a few days and I’m excited to be off again in the not too distant future. I also looked at a project management sheet I made in May and hadn’t looked at much and I’ve made subsantial progress on lots of things actually. Onto freewriting etc. Tuesday 11-2-21
I’m a little down that I missed friday and yesterday. Friday I used my time poorly in the morning before other commitments kicked in. Yesterday I set my alarm wrong so missed the window for morning work before an overcommitted day. Today I’m tired, overwork hangover. I’m hoping the caffeine kicks in. My mind was going blank about what my symposium essay was really about beyond very vague ‘law! disability!’ so I reread my free write from last thursday to refresh my memory. I revised it very slightly and I think it now can stand as an intro and provides a good map for where to plant all the ideas. I think that’s the next step, to sift the free writes into the organization of the map then start planting those bits into their likely homes. I’m feeling very tired right now so I may wait until I wake up a little more (or maybe try a coffee nap!) before doing that. Wednesday 11-3-21 Today got away from me. I used my time poorly, didn’t help that I started the day worn out. I think I overdid it some yesterday finishing up some comments on colleagues’ work. Felt good to do and under the circumstances I’d do it again, but good to remember that overwork has costs and sets up days where it’s harder to work. Part of why I didn’t write this morning is that I was tired and brainfogged from yesterday and the day before and I thought I’d wait until I woke up more and now here it is late in the day and after teaching and I am tired so it’s an even less than ideal time. That said I’m not sure I’m actually less awake than I was this morning. I wonder if I should try to find some task to do before writing before I wake up fully and which helps me to wake up. Hmm. Thursday 11-4-21 Early-midafternoon and down to writing. A walk, two cups of tea and a power nap got me feeling alert enough and broke the oomphlessness. So. How am I feeling about the writing project? Scared. Scared it’ll suck. Scared I’ll miss the deadline. Amid a cloud of being angry, resigned, harried, burnt out about other work stuff. That said I am excited about the idea of a regular writing practice and having ideas and so on. The image of a writing life, so to speak, still compels me, and moreso than it has in the not too distant past. I’m going to do a quick free write about this article then dig in to the mapping and planting. Oof I just noticed I’ve not really written on this article in a week. That hurts. I did tweak the intro draft a little maybe? And I did some other writing in response to colleagues’ work. But yeah, that hurts. And it builds up, in that part of why I’m scared is because of this lack of contact with the project. Gotta remember that. On an up-note, I’ve been here before and pushed through, I can do so again. Okay onto it now. Alright I have an outline now. Whew. Short break then I’m going to work on planting ideas within the outline. Friday 11-5-21 Kinda feeling it all today. Tired, irritable, having impulses - to be grumpy, for instance - in a direction that aren’t in line with who I like to be. Ugh. It’s that time of the semester, amid the pandemic of course, and ongoing understaffing and poor management at work. Oh well. Hard to start writing in that context, though to be fair it’s always hard to start writing! The context is never ideal. Gotta focus on controlling the controllables and not spending energy on what’s out of my control. We got new coffee, had been out for a while other than some old and low quality stuff that was the backup coffee. The new coffee is delicious, cup of that then a shower have been nice parts of my day. (I did some work email earlier in the day, can’t remember why, that was a mistake, amped up the bad mood, the shower helped partially reset, using this diary entry to further that reset.) This is day four in a row of writing in here, so that’s nice. Four days last as well. Before that two weeks of two days each and before that a long break from July through early October. Can’t remember why that break, maybe just life stuff and overwork? Did I write anything in that time? I can’t recall, memory’s all janky. Doesn’t really matter anyway, past work is dead labor what matters is creating the context for living labor and performing that - getting and staying in the chair. And that’s getting better again I think, little by little (for now, heh… which is fine too, it’s a long term commitment and an ongoing effort, not a short term thing or something fully accomplished once and for all; it’s like in a comic my friend Tom drew, Garfield the cat working out, saying “every day you have to choose again”). Okay feeling better now. Going to free write. Current article/paper project has a pretty clear task list, I’ll free on something else for ten minutes then do a session on the tasks for this article then on to other responsibilities. Monday 11-8-21 Blue monday, ugh. Really not feeling it. Or, really, really feeling it, ha. So close to thanksgiving break, but also so far. Just gotta hold on and power through. I’m burning energy having emotional responses to choices my employer is making that I don’t agree with, and IMHO isn’t being particularly honest about. Burning that energy is a loss for me with no consequences for anyone who deserves them. I’m trying to refocus but it’s hard, in part because this is pretty directly related to what I work on as a scholar. I got a call from a colleague, calling to share good professional news, took a walk while we talked. That improved my day and mood. I’m going to free write now then plug in to the current writing project. 274 words, like pulling teeth, damn. Just worn out I think, and so many invitations to leak energy, damn. Tuesday 11-9-21 Low energy again, averse to writing again, the usual! I would like this to stop being the usual and I am pulled between thinking I should devote time to changing my immediate emotional responses and state so that I am motivated to write, on the one hand, and trying to cultivate discipline to write regardless of motivation on the other. Both appeal, both feel at a gut level impossible! I think the latter is the smarter course of action for now. It’s worked before. Cultivate a discipline and routine, then use that to carve out space for changing my dispositions. I’ll note that my dispositions are in part a response to totally fucked up world circumstances and unethical behavior by management across the industry, but vibrating with unpleasant feelings about those realities doesn’t do any good. Gotta keep the assessment but try to feel it less I guess. Anyway. I talked with Alex today and went through a bit of the plan for how to work on this essay I’m drafting. That felt good, I finished the conversation feeling confident in the sense that I do know how to generate a piece of writing. Anticipating its reception etc is energy wasted, and I do think this work is intrinsically valuable anyway so there’s no real losing outcome, it’s just that some outcomes are bigger wins than others and ‘small win’ feels like ‘losing’ at a gut level. But it’s not a competition and the notion of bigger win that I have in mind is largely or entirely instrumentally defined, gotta push all that away, out of my head, dwell in the intrinsic value of the work. I’m learning things, I’m working hard and honing my craft as a writer, I’m participating (via the mediation of my writing) in intellectual communities that I value. That’s all good fortune and I’m pleased to be fortunate in this way. That’s been tarnished a bit by its institutional setting and by my exhaustion and exasperation with other things - the volume is louder on other, more negative elements than on the appreciation - but the appreciation is still there. I suspect that with practice I can adjust the respective volumes on all of those - that’s the bit about changing my dispositions, I suppose, though I think for me anyway dispositions are second order and arise from disciplined practice, and (only) then form a feedback loop reinforcing the disciplined practice. Enough for now. I’ve got a meeting with a student advisee in 20 minutes. I’m going to read till then, then coffee after, then a free write and writing on this article. For the article work, it’ll be continuing my sift within the buckets of this piece. Meeting done, coffeenap, re-awake, onto writing. 10-28-21 garden metaphor
At some point I read this blog post - https://www.thrive-phd.com/blog/2021/3/14/writing-for-all-seasons-a-march-madness-post - arguing for replacing the metaphor of scholarly pipeline with the metaphor of gardening. I never really thought in terms of pipeline but the metaphor struck me anyway. I’m an occasional gardener, pretty avid about the bits I do and aspiring to do more of it over time. I like the idea of being avid about writing in that same way - I like the idea of feeling about writing like I feel about gardening. I also find the subcategories - seed catalogs, planting, harvesting, etc - helpful for onceptualizing different phases of the writing process. I like that the metaphor emphasizes finding intrinsic value in each piece of the work (that’s what I like best, I want more of that feeling in my writing life), that each step is relatively low stakes (ditto, I want my writing life to feel lower stakes), and that the metaphor can fit distinct phases of writing life/of the life of writing projects. I thought of it again today because I was doing some writing and I’m a stage that I call skeletonizing. Skeletonizing is something I do as a kind of junction between prewriting, where I’m figuring out my ideas, and structuring. Once I have some sense of my ideas, I write a summary/abstract/intro paragraph. Then I turn that into a numbered outline, usually each sentence gets a number. Then I go through my prewriting and I sift it by number and I copy it under that number in the outline document. That activity of sifting and copying I call skeletonizing and once I have all my notes organized into that document, I have a skeleton. This is a tremendously useful activity for me. That said, I want to change the name away from skeleton and into a garden-based term. The skeleton metaphor and the ways I talk and think about freewriting imply some judgments: what use is a partial skeleton? And the point of the skeletonizing as I currently think of it is instrumental rather than intrinsically valuable, even though I do enjoy the activity to an extent. I say ‘to an extent’ because I also find this phase stressful, at least in part because of the judgment in the back of my mind (or sometimes, front of my mind, if the judgment gets loud enough). I also think of the free writing for ideas from a kind of negative starting place: I have a lack of ideas and I’m trying to move past that lack. That’s not really accurate though because what I’m going in the free writing is really going back through what I’ve learned and reconsidering it anew, seeing what I notice about it in a new light, and considering different possible directions I could go and decisions I could make. It’s not really creating from nothing or acquiring new information that fills a previously empty spot, it’s really a matter of sifting what I already know and watering some of it. So the free writing as an activity is going through the seeds and seedlings I already have, which is in part a process of remembering (in my actual gardening life I regualrly forget what seeds I have in packets, what plants from last year have seed pods that I could gather up), and considering them, watering them, giving them light, etc. I originally started that last paragraph “so the free writing stage is going through…” but free writing is an activity, not a stage. There is a phase of the work where free writing is my main activity, but I often continue to free write some throughout. It’s not that free-writing is a stage, it’s that there’s a free-writing-centered stage of gathering and considering. I genuinely enjoy this stage, though I get anxious about deadlines and wondering whether this stage will work out as I hope it will. Again here I think I’m doing some judging about the activity instead of just doing the activity, and that generates stress. (To be fair, I’m doing that judging in a less than ideal larger environment that promotes that judging.) As I move from the stage of gathering and considering my seeds and seedlings, I begin to shift from idea-centered prewriting into structuring. This a matter of mapping/planning out where to plant what within my actual garden. Here too this is a matter of both activities and stages. I will often return to mapping and planning in various ways over the project but there’s a mapping/planning-centered stage as well. That stage is planning, preparing, and planting. The abstract is a map/plan. Turning the abstract into an outline is preparing the planting sites. Copying material from the free writes into the outline is seeding and transplanting, taking the seeds and seedlings I gathered in the gathering and considering stage and putting them in the ground in the specific spots that make sense for this area, within the context of this garden, over all priorities, etc. I often find that after I’ve put all my notes and free writes into the outline I start to have new ideas, in part because there are bits that I’m tempted to see as gaps, lacks, etc. - in two ways: first, outline items 2 and 4 have lots of words under them, item 5 has only a few words, and 3 has none, and second, I notice a logically leap from outline item 3 and 4 and I actually need an outline item 3.5 as a bridge between them. I want to stop thinking lack and gap and instead think prompt. The headspace of gap promotes anxiety - I find what I think of as a gap and I feel stressed. The headspace of prompt promotes excitement: part of my process is to take those bits and write them up as tasks for myself and then I feel some excitement to learn that stuff and I enjoy a sense of certainty or clarity in a known task - just do this task, that’s the thing to do. That promotes getting into a flow state while writing, in my experience, which is part of where it’s fun. Often when I finish the outline and have new ideas I feel nervous. This is in part because I wonder if the outline’s any good, are the ideas any good - how good can it be when it’s so preliminary, and when it has gaps? - and it’s in part because I feel like I’m spinning my wheels since I have in effect returned to prewriting. The fact is that this is a different phase even though it’s an activity I’ve done before: pre-writing after or amid structuring is different from pre-writing before structuring. It’s a different pre-writing-centered stage. I sometimes miss that it’s different because it’s also pre-writing-centered. This post-structuring pre-writing-centered phase after planning, preparing, and planting is the surveying and companion planting stage. I take a look at this bit of the garden and consider it, and I look over my seeds and seedlings again to see how to complement what I’ve got already in this bit. Sometimes this means going back to seed catalogs as well to get new and different seeds and seedlings - i.e. I might get more materials, do more research in order to generate new ideas. I often plant some of the seeds and seedlings (whether newly acquired by new research or ones I realized - via freewriting - that I already had) within the existing bit of the garden. This is similar to the prior freewriting and structuring but it’s not the same because the project has more shape now. That makes surveying and companion planting distinct. Here too I genuinely enjoy the actual activity of this phase - I like learning new things, I like free writing and finding new ideas or new uses for old ideas, etc - and I also stress about the external deadlines etc and worry because of judgment (what if I never figure it out… and similar sorts of self-talk). Remembering that this is actually a distinct stage - such that I have in fact made progress, the project continues to unfold in its lifecycle - despite the similarity of some of this stage’s work to the work prior stages is helpful for me, as I find the sense of walking in place frustrating, despiriting, and it amplifies anxieties. And that sense is just inaccurate - it comes of not recognizing the new stage for what it is. After the surveying and companion planting stage comes drafting and finalizing. Once again there’s the stage and there’s the work. I don’t have any particular thoughts on drafting and finalizing right now - not least because the writing project I’m working on right now is somewhere toward the end of the the gathering and considering stage and the beginning of the planning, preparing, and planting stage (I think it’s probably early in the overlap between the two) and I know the next stage upcoming will be the surveying and companion planting stage. So that’s far as I’ve really thought about for this piece right now, and I’ve not really done much drafting and finalizing recently. Here are some things I want to remember as I move through the rest of this piece of writing and that I want to pay attention to more generally in the longer term. First, I actually do enjoy something about each step. The bits I don’t enjoy are at least in part a matter of external context and in part a matter of internal framing and judgment. I’m trying to get away from judgment and mental framing that promotes stress, hence my trying to replace ‘skeletonize’ with ‘mapping, preparing the site, then seeding and transplanting into the site.’ Second, as a project unfolds over its lifecycle there are stages that involve work similar to prior stages. In the past I’ve tended to notice the similarity between the work in the new stage and old stage and think “oh, I’m back to the old stage” as if I made no progress. But the reality the new stage is the result of prorgress and is also productive of further progress. When a stage opens where I do kinds of work that I did a lot in a prior stage, it’s not at all that I’m back to square one. It’s that the project has advanced and has new needs appropriate to its current development stage, and I successfully meet those needs with tools and techniques that I’ve used before. So the ‘oh no, I’m back to square one, no progress!’ is actually me mistakenly perceiving a success - that I have the tools and techniques necessary to advance the project and I’m using the appropriately - as if it meant something had done wrong. This mistake is due to a combination of mental habits of judgment and not having as clear a grasp as I could have of what the stages of the project (and the work appropriate to the stage) are. I think I’ve actually been good on this intuitively - I’ve gotten the work done - despite having some disconnects with my (at least partially) conscious mind. I’m going to think more about that. Anyway, new phase with work like an old phase is still a new phase, and doing work like I did before means I know how to do the work. Those are actually successes, not failing. I’ll add that I don’t want to think ‘success’ and ‘failure’ in a way that encourages me to get judgey, so much as I mean ‘I want to work to set aside worrying about failure, i.e. set aside judging the work’ and ‘success’ really just means ‘finding value in and appreciating the actual doing of the work in each step.’ Because like I said I really do enjoy and value it, it’s just that sometimes gets clouded over by additional negative feelings which obscure the positive feelings. Like I said my hope is that embracing this garden metaphor can help me start to unlearn habits of judgment and have more of that appreciation and enjoyment (and just getting in the zone being in a flow state). One last thought. Kel Weinhold says we benefit by replacing “I need to get this done for…” with “I want to write this because…” Thinking about reception of the product - external perspective - instead of thinking about the work, the creative process - internal perspective. That speaks to me and I think a lot of where I enjoy the work is when I’m in the latter mentally, the creative process and “I want to do this because…” internal and process-focused perspective, and where I really don’t is when I’m in the (institutionally cultivated, sometimes almost mandatory!) external, instrumental, reception and product-focused perspective. Again part of why I vibe with the garden metaphor is for how it facilitates the better of those headspaces and trying to cultivate habitual appreciation and valuing the intrinsic goods of this work. One entry in June, a few in July, then more regularly in the second half of October. Why so sporadic, what did I do in the remaining times? I don't remember and speculating wouldn't be helpful right now! I've dusted off the diary and this site for now and that's working well enough, so I'm trying to stay mostly present-directed, maybe mildly future directed, not get too hung up on past practice. Anyway, those entries.
Thursday 6-17-21 Tired today, slept poorly and too few hours in bed, sluggish this morning. I have to make more effort to get the dishes done earlier, they take so long to do after the kids go to bed, and watching a video or listening to music while washing the dishes makes for temptations to do other things on the computer afterward instead of going straight to bed after. A bit disappointing and distressing to have June halfway gone! I’ve got some more clarity on the goals of the rest of the summer though, due to a very good conversation with a friend. I found a ton of material I want to read, all secondary sources. That’s exciting and it feels good to feel curious intellectually again. I’m going to read around in that material, knowing I’ll learn things and have ideas on the way. I should figure out some primary sources I can look at ASAP as well for the sake of progress on the project long term. This is going to take a long time, I have to stay patient and also make it a priority. My current plan is some work on this project every work day, followed by some other work for less time. I’d like to still have some other irons in the fire for the sake of what they facilitate in my life - conference presentations, say, and the odd blog post - but remain clear that the real intellectual priority is the new eventual book. That feels a little challenging but doable. Monday July 5 I took a week off work. I think I feel better than I did before the week off but I definitely do not all better. I read something saying burnout is work-induced depression and that it tends to dissipate only temporarily with rest because work arrangements create it. That felt freeing. It’s not me and it means I need to work differently, organize my life differently. That feels challenging but doable. I want to return to focusing on what’s exciting in my work and I think that may take some effort to set that as a habit. Joli Jensen use a phrase like ‘listen for the lilt in the voice.’ I am genuinely excited to know more about miners and law in the 19th century. I should try to spend as much time in that excitement as I can and try to not devote attention to things that sap that excitement or the energy it generates. I don’t remember much of my plans and so on prior to my week off. I have a big stack of books to read around in for the new project, and it’d be good to think about primary sources as well. I set a deadline for some drafting, that’s good. I should look into electronic co-working as well. I also want to work less per day from here on out, start setting up a sustainable worklife. Okay that’s 5 minutes, enough for now. Tuesday 7-6-11 Back to being back at it today. I was on a podcast today, that was nice. Late in the day now and unsure about writing and other work. I think I’m averse to how long this will take and I have transferred bad feelings about top level management to my writing, I need to make contact again with the cool parts of scholarship. I had a thought on a walk that I’m going to capture now. Wednesday 7-7-21 Disrupted day, slept poorly and tired after waking, did grocery pick up mid day. Good phone calls with two friends about work stuff. The gist is to move away from the stick-driven approach to getting work done pre-tenure and toward a carrot-driven approach (the stick was threat of tenure denial). I think this means cultivating more appreciation for the positives of the work, and even more than that to get into an intrinsically motivated emphasis. I’m burnt out in my job but being a scholar isn’t just my job, and honestly it’s only part of my job - in many respects I’m a scholar despite my job. So that’s something to cultivate, place more emphasis on intellectual curiosity and excitement. And I am genuinely curious and excited about new projects. I want to cultivate protecting that curiosity and excitement by trying to minimize my contact with the enervating parts of the job and saying no more often, borrowing a friend’s phrase - “I’d love to but I’m afraid I’m already overcommitted and I have to decline at this time.” Those conversations are all I got done today but they were real work and that’s alright. I might see about reading and free writing a little before bed. Thursday 7-8-21 I’ve been in a negative headspace lately but I think I’m working things out. I think the negativity is accumulated exhaustion and reasonable response to unreasoanble conditions. Having hit some clarity on this, I want to take steps to avoid dwelling on these issues. I want to start saying no more at work to anything I don’t unambiguously have to do or really actively want to do. I’d like it if I could work less over all, have a higher proportion of my work be on scholarship, and if I could begin to do other kinds of writing to improve my skills and portfolio, so to speak. I aspire to have that other kind of writing become paid side-writing eventually. Having written than I feel a double spike of anxiety, one in that maybe I’ll just never be a good writer (that’s ABSURD but I feel it strongly at a gut level) and one in that this is arrogant, fancy, putting on airs, etc. I think there’s a third element which is that it’s hard to believe anything could genuinely go well money-wise... the idea of success in a somewhat remunerative career that’s also remotely enjoyable is hard to wrap my head around. Alright good to get that off my chest. Now what? I’m going to read and write and so on. I need to have a summer calendar check in. I should set some personal non-work goals as well. Friday 7-9-21 I’m writing this before bed. Did I do one of these earlier today? Did I write today? I don’t think so for either but I could be wrong. I’ve got a headache, for one thing. I’ve been in the overlap in a venn diagram of multiple malaises. I don’t like the summer part of the job - too isolated - and I’m burnt out on the rest of the job - too much work and hassle, and I don’t agree with some decisions management made. Pandemic life is intense, overly inward, and anxiety-inducing. I’m between projects, the lull or valley after my first book (which, crazily, I finished the first draft of almost three years ago now, and the revised version two years ago) plus post-book projects in the book’s wake, and now when I’m really in the space of new stuff that I need to plant. To plan before planting, really. The garden metaphor gets complicated, the point is I’m at multiple lulls and lows, little momentum, need to break into motion from a dead stop. I am more in motion than that implies really, in that I am reading a little etc, but I’m not in my preferred phases and negativity is easy right now in a way that is just leaking energy that I need instead to conserve, gather in order to break into motion again eventually - as quick as I can, I hope, but not likely to be soon. Ideally I would like to have something I can always be writing on, to have some piece of writing that has some momentum (momentum can carry me forward and I crave to be carried right now). I’ve had that thought many times and I think I once had thoughts on how to operationalize it, I’m unsure now. (I think the imposed amplification of disorganization from working at home isn’t doing me any favors, among other things.) I also have some worries about my new book project - is it a good idea? is it the best idea out of the possible projects to hand? can I pull it off? will it be any good? will it take too long? will I hate it, will it hurt? will my writing life always feel like it does right now? Some of that is my usual headspace, some of that’s typical to me at loose ends, and some of it’s reflecting the situation. I think I also impatient and want to fast forward through parts of the process, which is impossible and lamenting reality just leaks energy. I suppose one piece of the solution is to anchor myself again in routine. Write in the diary. Free write about what I’ve been reading and what’s been on my mind. Do the reading. Repeat. I will say, I am excited to learn the things this project means I will learn and it’s exciting to feel my intellectual curiosity and excitement coming back as I read and think about the project. I think some of the issue I have is just a sense of intimidation because the project is big and I’m so small. Little by little is all I can do though. Tuesday 10-12-21 I had an idea for this thing I’m slowly working on and then I read instead thinking that would help and now my mind is blank. Oof. Lesson learned I suppose. It’s been a bad few days, sick with some digest tract issues, really under the weather and thrown off by that. Regaining equilibrium and purpose and whatnot coming off that is its own set of challenges. Over all I feel weighed down by what I think is my justifiable negativity about the genuine shitfulness of so much of the world right now (and I think it weighs more heavily when there’s messages denying the shitfulness). I’m working on suspending that weight - I imagine something like coathooks that I can hang this backpack of critical thoughts on for a while, where I’m not setting it down exactly but I’m not carrying it for a while. On this particular piece of writing, I’m intimidated by the audience and about the subject matter, feels like I don’t know the material as well as I’d like and I also feel like I don’t have any ideas on it that I didn’t already say in the book, and better than I can say now. Oh well. Like, fuck it, my job is to say something, not to say something amazing. So I should just repeat myself and if it sucks, I’ll live. And it’s only ever been the case that my route to saying anything that doesn’t such has been by spending a lot of time saying stuff that sucks. The usual stay the course back in the saddle speech to myself, I suppose! Now I’m going to free write and see if I can remember that idea I had, or find some other idea. Thursday 10-14-21 Where did yesterday go, my god. Teaching and the continued creep of student services work into teaching work I think. I am so tired. Late in the day today due to tiredness and errands (we need a new roof after a big hail storm!), low energy, inopportune. I think I should try to get more disciplined about my writing tracker and daily habits. That’s how I got the book done, it’s how I’ll get other work done. This is not ideal time to think or write or read because I’m so tired but whatever, gotta do it. I did manage to write 1100 words on tuesday, free writing toward this symposium piece. I haven’t cracked that piece yet, gotta keep writing to figure it out. To be fair to myself I was pretty seriously ill thursday through sunday and Monday was a hangover from the illness, plus catching up, so using Tuesday well was an accomplishment really. I’m just out of sorts because of lack of established routine that I enjoy and not in motion in the way I prefer to be. Okay onto this symposium piece. Monday 10-18-21 I feel worn out and burnt out. Once again getting to writing late in the day and tired. Oh well. I’ve been through this, there’s no trick to it, I just have to keep trying and reset my habits. I’m also nervous about this piece of writing - this is why the habits matter: sometimes the work is exciting and feels good and that sustains me and routines and habits are less important. Other times, the work doesn’t do that and I need routines and habits to help me push through. I feel nervous this piece sucks, won’t end up good, I’ll embarass myself, etc. Oh well. I committed to it, so I committed to the risk of failing at it. Gotta write it all down so it has a fair chance to fail. Going to write on it now. Wednesday 10-20-21 I’m having some stomach pain today, maybe a holdover from the other week when I got dehydrated, maybe a food allergy, maybe not eating and drinking enough yesterday, hard to know. It’s unpleasant, distracting, worrying. I forgot to do inktober yesterday, a bit disappointed about that. I’ve been enjoying drawing like that. I should try to make a habit of drawing more often in general. I think over all I need daily routine a lot more than I have right now. Time’s all mushed together and I spend it poorly. I’m speaking today on my book at a graduate labor history class, via teleconference. That’s cool. It was nice to have monday off teaching from fall break, and today one of my classes is canceled because of the speaking engagement. I’m hoping to get through the remainder of the semester with minimal pain and suffering. (I found out I’m getting a raise, if the budget comes through anyway, so that’s nice. Money’s alright to have.) I’ve free written the last two days on this essay I’m struggling with so that’s good. I’m tired and low energy today and I think I’m leaking some energy on dreading face to face teaching again on Monday, worrying if this essay is any good, regretting getting a late start today, etc. I’m going to do a quick free write now. Little by little. Monday 10-25-21 The weather took a turn so I can’t teach outside anymore. I’m frustrated to have to add the risk to my life and doubly frustrated that my employer won’t admit that’s what they’re forcing - order me to do a thing but also declare a loud subtext that I have to pretend it’s not an order. I’m feeling the general additional mental work of pandemic life. Tired, brain’s slow, etc. Ugh. Oh well. Odds are, it’ll work out, just gotta keep on trucking. Scant on time this morning, dealing with household stuff, phone problems, etc. Quick diary check in and free write, snack, email check, off to campus. Writing didn’t go! Ugh. Too little time, too distracted, can’t remember the project! I wrote a twitter thread on it that I’m copying here because I wanna remember this. kind of a crap day so far and partly as a result and partly as a cause my attempt at writing has not worked out and I realized a thing I used to do but haven't done recently is leave myself some notes for where to pick up next time. My writing practice (and results) has been erratic and unsatisfying for a while and it occurs to me now that I haven't done this thing - a friend calls it 'parking down hill' - in a while either. I'm gonna print out my notes and whatnot for this thing I'm current struggling with so I can sift thru them later. Idk if this makes sense but I think my draft sort of has momentum, in the sense that it's starting to take shape and it has ideas and isn't just wheel spinning and yet I as the writer do not have momentum and am doing a lot of wheel spinning. If I'm right then reading thru what all I have should help me clarify what to do next and reduce this 'the page and my mind are both completely blank' thing. And I'ma make more of an effort to park down hill, which should help at least somewhat. Tuesday 10-26-21 End of October already, holy moly. I’m sitting down to this writing diary right after breakfast (write after breakfast will be the title of my bestselling amazon kindle snake oil for writers book), proud of myself for getting in the chair diligently like this. Honestly it might be a little too early as the caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet, I’m still yawning. Much better than end of the day depletion as a writing time. I was tempted to do other stuff instead but I thought I’d follow my own advice to make writing the first thing I do on a device and first thing for my job. I’m going to try free writing for this essay. I’m nervous about it because it didn’t work yesterday, small moment of writers block maybe, I was tired, pressed for time, and didn’t remember what I was working on at all. Today I have all the time I want for this, and I’m only putting in a small unit of time too so I don’t have to feel trapped with the writing. What an emotional minefield, eh? I looked at the beginning of Helen Sword’s book Air and Space etc and I want to retake her diagnostic, and dig out the Boice Professors as Writers book, see about retooling my emotional habits, move away from all these pitfalls and nervous states. For now I’m feeling alright, just a little jittery. If I run into trouble again today my plan is to pivot to a free write on a different possible piece of writing. And either way after free writing I’ll read my printed free writes for this afterward and make some more notes, parking down hill. So I suppose this is a two short session writing day. In other news, I might be on someone’s dissertation committee, and I’m commenting on a conference panel (remotely, not in person), I’m excited about both of those as they’re firsts for me, feels like cool milestones and ones that are intellectually substantive as well. Going to work on the latter and some other reading for friends later today. Suddenly beset by doubts that this essay is stupid, just out of nowhere. Wow. Time write! 15 min, 417 words. Alright. Wednesday 10-27-21 Headphones in, music on, time for the writing diary. I didn’t do this first thing, I had to send a timely work email and that was a good decision. I then squandered time doing other stuff with the computer, which was a poor decision. It also underlines how the job is often aligned against writing, it proliferates distractions, harms focus. Gotta continue to work on protecting my writing time and energy. Feeling grumpy today - back to the classroom indoors, too cold to meet outside, and the ventilation’s poor in my building, no social distancing despite CDC and OSHA recommendations. Above all I’m offended. Anyway. Doesn’t do any good to just vibrate with anger and get nothing else done that I value, gotta channel this into choices that benefit me - focus on my writing and my scholarship-related relationships. I spent some time last night setting up some apps and whatnot, I’m a bit of a tech skeptic but I’ll try them and see. I’ve got a reminder that tells me to do this work first - diary, free write, read, etc. So let’s get down to it. Free write for the ongoing project in a moment but I want to say I made some notes to self about finding the writing books I’ve found helpful in the past, I want to return to working with those. I feel like I’ve squandered some of this semester, which is a bummer, but I’ve still managed to get some work done that I value and it’s also not a huge chunk of time lost (and the circumstances are so bad, so I’m proud of I have pulled off amid all of this). Never too late to turn things around, and I have successfully turned around before when my writing life’s gone wonky. Pleased about all of that, greater sense of clarity, purpose, drive. That said I’m nervous about this current piece - what if it never coheres, what if it ends up lousy, etc. That’s all judgment, I’m looking at or tasting the raw potato worrying the cooked final dish won’t be any good: the current information I have is just not sufficient to make the judgment I’m making. Set it aside, back to work. So, now I’ll free write for this piece. Wrote 796 words. * Later in the day, reading about writing, watching a video about writing. Thought: track when I experience anxiety or other discomfort in writing, and it sounds and feels like. Boice is good on this, work on that and how to disperse it, eventually how to avoid it. Thursday 10-28-21 In the chair. I ate, took a quick walk (to the library to pick up holds for my kids), and had a cup of coffee (hasn’t kicked in yet!) and now here I am. Still in the brainfog not fully awake yet part of the day, weird to be typing in this state. I guess I’m succeeding so well now at doing the writing diary first that I’m a victim of my own success. Funny. So far the apps I set up seem to be working, I’m thinking about getting writing done etc, in a low key ‘I want to do this’ way and I’m doing writing before other stuff now. Of course it’s only been like a day or two, we’ll see if it lasts. I hope so. What am I writing on? This symposium essay. I’m going to free write on it again maybe attempt a summary/abstract that could serve as some kind of outline? I don’t know if I’ve found all the ideas yet but I’ve found some at least and it might be time to start thinking about structure. I expect that thinking about structure and/or moving into actual drafting will lead to finding gaps and jumping back to the prewriting/big ideas stage. We’ll see! I’m still feeling nervous - what if it doesn’t come together, what if it does and they don’t like it, what if it comes out and I’m wrong, etc. Those are just the risks of writing any time and they’re not really that high stakes, it’s fine, the worst that can happen is I will feel embarrassed and sad and my time won’t have been spent in a way that led to publication. That would be unpleasant but I’ve had all of those things happen before and it was okay. And I am genuinely learning things by writing this piece, so that’s good, and either way, there’s no way out but through, so I have to write anyway despite those worries. And I am excited about some of the ideas I’m having in doing the writing, feels like I’m clarifying my thoughts on stuff, which is cool. Okay I’m going to free write now. 176 words that could be an abstract/intro and so an outline. That’s cool. Took maybe 20, 25 minutes? I set the time for 15 but kept going when it went off because the writing was going well I think. That feels good. Now I *really* want to mess around instead of stay disciplined to my (new, aspirational) routine. Might make sense to figure out a resistance journal, idk. Maybe I’ll take a walk and call a friend, or read a bit? Oh - parking down hill, tasks for next time! thursday 4-1-21
April first, feeling foolish. It’s late in the day, late in the week, struggling with low productivity, tiredness, demotivation - actively averse to work and not just lacking drive, and frustration. Oh well. I think this is widespread right now. I did spend some time this morning writing on paper about writing routine and aspirations, goals, plans, on the way to setting more firm deadlines and clearer maps from here to better writing results and practices. I also rounded up some writing books to have something to look through. Going back to reading that kind of thing a little on most days will be beneficial I think. Also going to set up my writing tracker again right now, I meant to do that yesterday and did not. Tuesday 4-6-21 I am very tired. Too little sleep and poor quality as well. The work hangovers from Mondays are getting worse as well as the semester grinds on. I just looked and there are 38 days left until the final day of the semester, so that’s the very most amount of work left for this term, which is good. Not even 40 days, just over a month, not even 6 weeks. I can hang on for that. It will also climb down a little when registration ends for my students. What am I going to work on in the remaining work time today? The usual intellectual routine - reading, free writing, writing/editing - then onto email and related drudgery. Oh I just remembered I got response papers from students from the Minnesota Legal History Workshop that I spoke at on Friday, I’ll read those as well. I worked for a long time on my chapter, got it to another revision and sent it out. That feels good though I also over- and binge-worked on it. I will pay for that in tiredness later and in being behind on other work. I think right now my working and writing life is really a choice between different ways of not feeling that good. This was the best choice under the circumstances so I’ll own it. Tomorrow: vaccination, a short free write, and then lots of non-writing work. Thursday 4-8-21 I am slow again today, tired, low energy. Glad the semester’s ending relatively soon, hopeful for fewer disruption over the summer, more control over what I work on and more time not working, hopefully some rest and more sleep, and more of the satisfying parts of the work. I got vaccinated yesterday, my first shot, so that’s good. It was a long drive out of town to a rural area for the appointment but the countryside was pretty. I wish I’d gotten more done but good to get the shot and the change of pace was nice in a way. Looking at the dates of entries here I see the last few weeks have been kind of disrupted - two entries last week, three the week before that, this is my second for this week. I think the cumulative stress and workload for so long is a lot, plus the time of the semester it is. Won’t be long till summer, looking forward to that. Today I have to focus on other obligations (same reason the last few weeks have been like they’ve been!) but I want to just do my routine. This diary is one piece. Going to open my spreadsheet, try to do more tracking, that will help I think. Wrote a while on a book review. Friday 4-9-21 I’m in the writing group (19:18) and our final 20 minutes is writing so I’m doing 5 minutes of writing diary to start. I’m in the usual headspace and general condition as the last couple writing diary entries but I am wearing it more lightly due to being in the writing group telemeeting. That’s really nice for the immediate experience and I’m also proud of this group I’ve helped create and the role I’ve played in making and sustaining it and helping people benefit each other in this way. Intellectual community is cool and good, heh, and I think it’s good for me to pause and recognize both the work I put in and the accomplishment - ie the working life of the group and the benefits its had/is having - resulting from that work. So that feels good. Earlier this week I finished a draft of a chapter for an edited volume and sent it in. Yesterday I got an email about saying basically that it’s very good and that the word limit is 6k words when the limits is 15k words! Oops! I’m a little embarrassed but also amused, this is a very me mistake and a high quality issue to have really. I’m going to make revising that thing be my top writing priority and think about what else to do with the remainders. I will also benefit from thinking about writing planning broadly - upping my planning and project management skills - and doing more concrete planning of my writing life and projects as well. This reminds me, one thing I have noticed as a success of our writing group is a sharing of tips and practices that help when facing writing challenges and that is gratifying. I can see it in my own life and I hear about it in others’ lives and I’m very pleased about that. Okay this is over 5 minutes so I’m going to stop in a moment. Briefly: in the remaining writing time of the day I will work on a quick free write on something else, read a little about writing, work on editing my chapter, and maybe do an exercise. Okay going to free write now in the remaining 12 minutes. Monday 4-12-21 Slow day. I woke up tired, don’t remember anything off the top of my head about the weekend - no particular thing I did this weekend should mean I am this worn out so I assume it’s just cumulative exhaustion. I was distressed when I realized it was Monday. Been a slow day since, a little in a good way - played with my kids more than usual some - and mostly in a bad way - puttering unproductively. I think the reality is I have not recovered from the burn out of overwork - which makes sense, when would I have done so? the intense overwork has let up but it’s dialed down to merely normal work, which doesn’t allow any recovery, it just stops the deepening of the burnout. Oh well. Not going to meaningfully challenge the house so play the hand I’m dealt - this is the trick of the thing, I think, to become just resigned enough, like the barest touch of numbness from having just a little to drink, so as to be free of the burden and energy loss of dwelling in my anger and disappointment and frustration, without encouraging a deeper and more thoroughgoing resignation as a real way of being. Make “oh well” a temporary and small thought rather than an existential condition. I think I’m walking that line alright so far. Timer’s up. What now? I’m going to free write a little for a new project, read a little, edit my chapter, maybe look at a book for a book review, then onto other responsibilities. All those tasks I’ll take in short timed sessions, more about staying somewhat limber and in motion than about big results on the day to day. Tuesday 4-13-21 Earlier start today and I was more disciplined - read a little about writing then a little out of a book I’m reading for its contents and am now doing this diary. I feel a little more calm and less frustrated than I’d felt lately. I think that’s evidence those goals of what to do in what order are good ones, ones that foster writing. What’s on my mind today? I haven’t had any caffeine so I don’t feel fully awake yet, my mind feels relatively blank. I watched a video before bed about setting writing goals and about project management. It suggested thinking of writing as gardening multiple crops, and breaking the work into types of activity by analogy with gathering seeds and tools, planting, tending and watering and pruning, harvesting, and sharing. I like that and want to think a little more about what the concrete phases are for me, and have something in each phase so my process can be relatively gapless. Another thing I like about the garden metaphor is the mixture of thinking of myself as an active agent - I choose what to plant and when and the phases are me choosing to respond to different phenomena - but it also treats the timeline as determined by the object: write this piece until it’s read, rather than being externally deadline driven. I also like the emphasis on sharing, making the work pro-social and integrated into intellectual community. Wednesday 4-14-21 Today has been off track. No one’s hurt but my youngest daughter and I had a neighbor’s pit bull get loose and charge at us barking aggressively. I was pretty shaken and spent time on the phone with animal control and whatnot. I remained upset and angry about it last night (still am today, though at a lower volume) and it made it hard to sleep, putting me off my game today. I am trying to refocus now. I feel disappointed because yesterday had been a good day work-wise and I had hoped to have turned a corner. Oh well. I need to not waste energy by judging my work etc, just focus on the work and the future. Also good to recognize the challenges in the context. I spoke with a friend the other day who said writing is harder now and I said for me that is true but harder still is reading. I can type out thoughts more easily than I can take in thoughts. They said that they thought being open to ideas and taking in new thoughts requires a level of security and whatever the opposite of anxiety is - placidity? - which I thought helpful for contextualizing these challenges. I think I am also lonely as well as feeling the weight of all this year’s various weights am using distraction to cope, as a kind of palliative and limited sense of camaraderie. Good to recognize some of that. Seeing the situation is part of learning to make choices within and about it. What am I doing today? I’m going to do my usual routine briefly then put a lot of time into other obligations that I’m behind on. I read a few pages of Jensen - I set the timer for ten minutes, finished the chapter in 8, thought I’d come back here as I had some thoughts (timer’s set for 5 minutes now). Jensen uses the phrase “detaching from your anxiety,” accomplished through specific techniques. What jumps out at me in that is that she’s referring to actions that shape my headspace, rather than taking that headspace as a given. I’ve often thought of myself as working my way up to working despite how I feel, leaving the feelings as relatively fixed. What I often experience is that the feelings shift as I write, the diary first turns down the volume knob then when quieter the feelings start to morph, all of which is different than I tend to think of it as. That’s cool. My anxiety level isn’t fixed or just given, it’s something I can influence by actions. That makes me feel good to know. Also, I think of this diary as a version of Jensen’s ventilation file and it is but I think Jensen emphasizes writing about specific writing projects a little more. I’ve been writing about how I feel and about writing in general. That’s working for me so I’ll keep it but I’m going to experiment with a bit of venting about specific projects as well. I think this is a good idea for a few reasons. One is just that Jensen recommends it and I trust her. Another is that I think it’s good to experiment because I can discover new things that work and also sometimes a new thing (timer popped, 5 more minutes, hard deadline) just by virtue of its novelty has an effect on my writing life - a friend said once ‘part of my method as a writer is that I change my method periodically and that change helps.’ Another is that contact with a writing project is beneficial just for getting me thinking about it so if I add a bit of venting about one or more specific projects to this then that increases a bit of that project contact. Okay, so what projects am I focused on? I’m unsure, I don’t feel especially focused! Book chapter draft’s turned in - a little nervous about that (I’m worried they’ll demand big revisions that I won’t be able to carry out, or that it sucks, and I’m happy to have it off my desk). I have outtakes from that which I’d like to make more of, maybe that adds up to a new book project? Multiple articles? (I’m scared of peer review having had bad experiences with it.) I have a new book and and and. Too much, too many, I need to focus. For today I’m going to work on my paper for the june conference and on a book review. I think I should devote some time sooner rather than later to a) reimagining my writing life - garden/pipeline - and b) laying out projects chronologically, might be good to write it out on butcher paper and see if that pays dividends. Okay time’s up. Thursday 4-15-21 This week is worsening. I am tired, underproductive, kind of unhappy. Terrible stories in the news about police killing more people, more universities planning on being back face to face and not requiring students to vaccinate. Ugh. I can’t wait for the semester to be over. I am struggling this week with discipline and productivity, sleeping poorly as well. That makes me more easily disrupted by other things. My kids were fighty this morning, that helped me start the day on the wrong foot. Oh well. On an up note last night I did some project planning and I’m pleased about that. I laid out different irons in the fire and irons I might place in the fire. That will help me longer term. And while this week has had three bad days in it, Tuesday was a very good day and it’s just one off week. I’ve had some other off weeks but on balance my performance this semester and this whole year has been good, despite not being set up to succeed. The reason I feel like this is because I’m understandably worn out from an unfair and excessive set of demands, at a time when the world is genuinely very upsetting. Alright, going to do some other work. I read a few more pages of Jensen’s book and it occurred to me I really should get a lot more strict with myself about my old rule that I write as the very first thing I do on a device and the first work thing I do each day. I’d like to modify it to 15 minutes of reading - 5 of reading about writing and 10 of reading for content, followed by 15-30 min of writing. Friday 4-16-21 Holy moly April’s half gone! Time’s scrambled. Anyhow, this morning I’ve worked according to plan so far - read a little on writing, then read a little for content, now this writing diary. I can tell this is a good plan as I feel better. I don’t feel entirely better, which is good to note but also important to contextualize: this is still work and may always feel like work, for one, there’s a lot of big feelings and exhaustion that I’ve got pent up which may hang around a while, for two, and the social context is still fairly imperfect to put it excessively mildly, for three. But anyway I can feel that working this way really is a beneficial best practice. So what’s on my mind? Less than on prior days, and less energetically and with less tiredness and frustration - part of why doing this in the morning is a better idea. Later today it will be announced that my book won the honorable mention for intellectual history for the OAH for 2020 and I will be at an event for my and two other colleagues’ books as well, which is exciting and I’m pleased that people at work care about what I’m doing. Alright I’m going to move on to the other morning routine and then other responsibilities. Shooting for short sessions of time across the different pieces of the puzzle, and going to make an effort to stay task and best practice focused, with a break later in the day, maybe a walk or some exercise. I free wrote for 17 minutes on the Rehmann book and some questions and challenges it raises, some limits to how I’ve been thinking about some issues around ideology and conflict, as reflected in some recent writing of mine. That feels like a productive line of inquiry to keep following over time at a slow pace. That’s good. I free wrote about 45 minutes for the paper for the Buffalo conference and I’m really excited about the ideas I have. One quick process note: I forgot to check the time when I started then realized I was somewhere around 20 minutes in and set a stop watch in my browser. I should get a stopwatch app for these more open ended free writes. I often tell students I only like to write with timers and not with stop watches but that’s only really true of certain phases of the writing process. Timers help me when I need the help. Stop watches don’t, but what stop watches do is help me - at times when the writing is going well - to document information that will be useful to have later when the writing isn’t going well. Each of those kinds of moments requires its own sorts of discipline and tools. Anyway, I feel good, kind of energized. (I was just reading Jensen on this, about how it’s possible to arrange a writing and academic life so the pieces aren’t just obligations and burdens but sources of renewal and energy. I was skeptical but today was definitely energizing writing-wise, been a while since I felt that, very pleased.) Monday 4-19-21 It snowed. I’m a little worried about the peach tree, might mean no peaches despite all those flowers. Is that a metaphor? Gotta enjoy what’s enjoyable and not hang it on an expected future? I suppose. But also I will be kind of sad if we get no peaches this year. Up late washing dishes last night and up early this morning because the kids got up early and were fighting. Going to be a long day, tired in acute way in addition to the chronic built up burnt out tiredness. I couldn’t find the Jensen book, I’d been back to that and enjoying it, wanted to read it first thing, so I opened up Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath diary again instead. That was nice. He’s at a point where he says he has a month left and vacillates by the day between the book good and the book potentially falling apart. I did a book talk on Friday, a group of three of us at work who have written books talked about our books, hosted by the Humanities Center. It was really nice, good to feel some real intellectual community. Leah is leaving for a job elsewhere. I’m happy for her and sad as her friend and colleague. She did a great job running the event. I’m worried the Center will worsen with her gone. I suppose my baseline expectation is most things worsen over time. Today’s a big teaching day. The semester’s nearly over and I’m holding onto that. I’m looking forward to the easier workload of the summer, and taking some real time off. I have to keep that a motivating expectation rather than a demotivating or distressing one - mustn’t get impatient. Alright looking at the time and knowing what I have to get ready to do teaching-wise today I think I have an hour and a half of work time today other teaching, give or take, plus maybe some email at the end of the day. I started this in the living room while my family was occupied and now they’re not occupied and are talking to me, I’m going to head upstairs where I can think more. That sounds terrible - I liked talking with them, and now upstairs the remaining sleeping child woke up, gave me a hug, told me about her dream last night about a film adaptation of a favorite book of hers - I just mean that splitting time or brain power between work and family is a bad practice. A colleague once said they didn’t want to wish their life away by complaining. I think about in terms of playing the hand we’re dealt, stay in the life we actually have, rather than playing worse out of frustration and resentment. Anyway, I was about to say I have around 90 minutes give or take in which I might reasonably expect to get decent work done, what to do with it? I have my usual routine - I call it that to make it seem less new and more habitual than it is at the moment...! Is that all of it for this morning’s work? Potentially. I’m going to get down to it but some last thoughts quick before I do: I think I am avoiding the ‘project planning’ item on my to do list because I’m intimidated about planning itself as an activity and because I’m anxious about my projects. I’m nervous that tomorrow’s my middle child’s big dentist appointment. I need to check my calendar and be sure I have meetings and appointments in, so that I don’t miss any, including my talk at a colleague’s class. Alright going to continue with the routine for today. Next is a free write for a project. What a stupid bunch of time sucks computers and the internet are! I wanted a stopwatch and to get one I had to reset my App Store password which is more involved than I want to do right now, then I started looking at other timer apps etc. A waste in so many ways and I forget the thoughts I was beginning to have for my project free writing! Ugh. These devices are about productivity for the employer and employee control, and my interests as a writer are at best a square peg in relation to those. I wish it wasn’t like this. Anyway, back to the writing. Going to set a timer so I write at least ten minutes and going to set the stop watch so I can write longer and track the time if I want to. Tuesday 4-20-21 Today went badly off track. I slept very poorly and too little last night then one of my girls had a dentist appointment today. They referred us to another dentist - poor dear has multiple cavities, they referred us to a pediatric dentist - so that was some phone time. I also have a work hangover from yesterday. And it’s police killing trial verdict day. Deeply inauspicious combination. I am trying, as my dear friend Alex often says, to give myself some grace today. I’m going to make brief contact with my work, and will see if I can perhaps do some more planning before bed. I will say, I can feel that I did not follow my best practices today...! This reminds me, I talked to Alex about recording work and I may want to set up multiple forms for recording, one for each phase of the work, rather than a generic form. I think the one I have is best tuned to free writing and fits that pretty well but works less well otherwise. I will add that I am tired, burnt out, anxious, my head hurts, I am also sad and lonely. I don’t like feeling this way. On the plus side, I am in relationships of intellectual and artistic mutuality, and that’s exciting. I’m going to message a friend related to that then do a bit of other work. Thursday 4-22-21 I started the day a little late because of family stuff but once I started, I started well. I decided to try a five minute morning focus guided meditation - that feels hokey to me but I thought I’d try being open minded. It did set me on the right footing to start, so I should keep experimenting with that. Then I read a book for a while and took notes, typed up some notes. I’m noticing - in part from all the underlining in this book, Simon Clarke’s Keynesianism book - that I don’t remember what I read that well if I don’t write about it. Probly being in a discussion helps too. I decided to write some notes on it and that felt good - hopefully it helps with retention as well - and was also thought provoking. I got a bit off track after that then back on track, read from Jensen’s writing book for five minutes and now this diary entry. I notice I’m more receptive than ever to her ‘writing myths’ stuff. Earlier I think I was in the mode of buckle down and get the book done according to the deadline, and probly also stuffing down emotions to keep going and worried about feeling that stuff. That was my response to Boice’s book at first as well, the self-talk stuff didn’t interest me at all. I later came around on that part of Boice and am doing similar on the Jensen now. I think it’s that I don’t need to be on nearly as much of an artificial external timetable anymore, that’s driven by punishment/threat of losing my job. I can be on an internal and intellectual community one. Which means I can now work to make writing less distressing and more enjoyable. I should work further on that, I like that. One part will be, I think, examining and working on the sources of distress, and another, I think, will be finding and honoring or amplifying the parts of the work I find meaningful/satisfying/enjoyable. For now, I think I’m sometimes procrastinating because I want to escape feeling lonely and sometimes because I’m scared about my writing, and the two combine because feeling a sense of connection to people dials down being afraid. But the thing is I should amplify kinds of connection that don’t come at the expense of writing but rather enhance it. Specifically writing community, I suppose. I would probly also benefit from doing more recognition of skills and progress. Like today when I got off track I turned it back around, got back on track, responded reasonably and appropriately - didn’t waste any energy, gave myself some grace - and got back down to work. So that’s good. I have a list of goals for the day, right now I’m still in the routine part. (I should also note that I’m acquiring/building this routine still, so I should be realistic about that and not expect instant opting into at 100% level to the new routine.) Also, it’s a good routine that works, improves the day and my week, so good on me for finding it and I should keep it up. Alright, moving on. Going to free write next then work on a piece of writing that’s live. Also going to remember to use my ‘right now I am...?’ file in scrivener. One last quick note: looking at the scrivener folder here with these diary entries I see I didn’t have entries for Tuesday or Wednesday and I felt a twinge on that. But then I thought maybe I had written on for Tuesday so I checked in Bean and there was one, so that’s good. I put that in. Then I remembered two other things. One, I got news earlier this week that another old friend I’d fallen out of touch with had died. That took the wind out of my sails, to put it mildly, so I should again give myself some grace here. Also, I remembered that last night before bed I wrote up something on moral harm that I’d been meaning to write up and sent it to some colleagues and friends for a read over. So I have remained focused on my craft more than I immediately recognized. Alright onto the free writing. Quick thought: I like to say ‘free write’ rather than other terms like Boice’s various ‘generative writing’ or ‘writing to think.’ Why? Partly just habit and inertia. Partly I like the idea that it’s open ended - even though they’re often very focused compared to, say, morning pages or Peter Elbow’s version of free writing. I think I like the idea of a small open-ended space within a lager project - open up a moment of a project - and also to feel free in the doing, maybe? Friday 4-23-21 Another disrupted work day, though this time for some good reason: I got tenure! That’s nice, a relief, and I think it comes with a raise. People have been telling me they’re happy for me as well, which is cool. Other disruptions include just being tired - slept poorly and was not in bed enough hours - and having some unexpected events. It’ll work out though. I did get a column drafted this week that friends like and I hope to finish soon-ish and send out into the world. I like doing that of writing. I’d like to do more of it. Then again, I like cake as well, and it’s not necessarily the best choice for my life over all. I’m going to reflect on this, slowly and calmly. I’ll add that I notice today I did not stick to my routine and did other stuff on the computer first - including checking email to get the tenure news. Under the circumstances, I’d replay the day the same way but it is further confirmation that generally speaking on normal days the routine works, is effective, powerful, and I should continue it. Alright, onto other tasks. Monday 4-26-21 I got more sleep last night than usual, worked hard to have all the dishes done before the kids went to bed so I wouldn’t be up so much later. I expected to wake up feeling energetic and restored but I am still tired! I think my accumulated tiredness requires more nights of good sleep than just one. I also had a big workout on Saturday and a walk yesterday (I don’t walk enough these days) so my body is physically tired. Still I’m pleased about these priorities. I’ve done, am doing, my morning routine - a little reading and note taking then this diary. As I read Jensen again I find myself more open to her discussions of writing myths and I also notice some of them are more charged for me than others, because I hold those more…! I am looking forward to the semester being over. I wish I had less to do between now and then, and I am feeling the gap between how I wish the semester went and how it actually went. I’m a little nervous about course evaluations even though they’re not really consequential for me this year. (Mental note to add evals to my moral harm column.) I am feeling excited about summer intellectual opportunities. I read a little about doing less email, I forget the author, Cal Winslow maybe? I have it written down somewhere. It talked about the value of deep and sustained concentration. I also watched a video by John Cleese about play and creativity. Cleese would take 90 minutes to work on creative projects on the theory that the first half an hour was basically throat clearing, warming up, and letting distractions bubble up and away, then leaving about 60 minutes of time to work energetically. He also stressed that this work was open ended and like play, not instrumental or in a hurry, just being amid the openness of an issue or idea or problem and considering it from lots of angles, even if apparent solutions and conclusions had already appeared. That activity without a need to be or seem decisive, he argued (and he said there was some scientific research to back this up) led to the most creative activity. Its also a kind of freedom. I think some of what I’ve tried to do as a writer has been to practice sort of bubbles of that freedom (and that’s part of why tenure etc pressures are anti-creativity and anti-intellectuals, making the work stop or making it hurt, or both), and I’m excited to have more of it, especially over the summer and, if I’m lucky, over the next few years as I get my covid-overwork repayment schedule. We’ll see. Anyway, I’m getting excited about summer and a little nervous too as there’s always the ambition/aspiration vs capacity/reality gap. Gotta be in the right mindframe, and get a plan further fleshed out. Ultimately though just stay in motion. On that, today’s plan in the remainder before teaching: free write, work on a project, writing craft work, some time on a book review. Then prep fast, and come up with a task list of non writing obligations. Tuesday 4-27-21 Later start again today and tired - too hot last night, slept badly, and I have a teaching hangover. I got distracted today, used the morning in a mixed way. That said: I watched a talk by John Cleese about business/management and creativity, arguing businesses/management often stifle creativity in various ways (resisting the urge to edit that sentence) and one of things he talked about was what he called an open mode, basically of play and a suspension of instrumental approaches and a different sense of time. It’s not identical to but it resonates with ideas of flow. I think sometimes I have intellectual conversations or do writing on twitter because it’s a version of that some of the time and I’m hungry for that. I think it’s often an imperfect way to organize and conduct that activity - I’d rather do that for my next book etc - but it’s also a form of intellectual community, community in play and flow, which is part of the attraction. I like that because then it’s not just that I’m jittery and playing a video game or whatever. Of course, since I like that assessments, I’m biased toward it. Whatever. One nice bit of today I read a chapter of Jensen’s book while walking up and down the stairs, nice to move around. My family are outside so I could do that easily. I wish I had a better space and I also am not excited to be back on campus in the fall with the pandemic not yet over! Oh well. Jensen’s chapter today was on fear of hostile writers. She makes the point that hostile writers are more destructive when they say things that press on our internal self-talk, harder to shrug them off. I think also they can sometimes lead over time to people taking up bad self-talk. I might eventually go through the Jensen again and write a response or notes on it just for the experience. In any case I’m liking reading a little on academic writing each day, that was a good call. Alright enough of this. I’m going to free write for a project now. Wed 4-28-21 Tired again, too hot again last night. A friend called to talk and turned out she was randomly in the area so we talked a little outside, which was nice, then there was some event with firefighters training and I took my kids to watch and they came out and explained a bunch of stuff about their activities and gear and training to us. That was very cool and also more social contact than I’ve had in I don’t know how long and I feel super wiped out now! Holy moly! Post-pandemic life is gonna be an adjustment I think. I have a student presentation to attend online in about 15 minutes. After that’s done, I’ll do a short free write for my talk in June, then another writing session for a book review, then I’m going to map out my time for the next few work days, trying to script the day so I can reduce decisions, just follow the times and activity prompts, so to speak. I think that will help me get more done that I feel good about and reduce both fatigue and procrastination. That’s the goal and hope anyway. How am I feeling about writing? Okay. Good. I like where I’m at in the projects I’m at right now and am proud to be in this place despite unfavorable circumstances, and I’m excited to get to unwind some in the not too distant future. I am a little antsy to start getting some headway on the pre-work for my new book project as well. I’ve not really started that and should do so. I’ve also been putting off some grant proposal work which I should really jump on, and some reading for others. I think I’m a little more averse to hypothetical judgmental readers right now, as per Jensen’s chapter on that. I should think more about that. But later, not now. For now, going to get some tea, go to this student presentation, then follow the plan for the rest of today. Thursday 4-29-21 The day got away from me. Tired, undisciplined, neck sore from sleeping wrong. I did some reading earlier, that was good. In my reading about writing I noticed I have a little more response to the ‘don’t compare yourself to others that’s a bad writing myth’ bit of Jensen. I think the tenure and book process made me more open to how others think of me, they’ve socialized me into that writing myth. I gotta think more about that and try to have that percolate out. Only a little of the day left, I have student honors thesis thing to get to. I think I am worn out and need some time away. I should focus on this paper for the Buffalo conference and get that done then unwind a while and mostly just read, or maybe do like 10 min writing craft and 10 min free writing a day? I dunno. Gotta ponder and plan a little more. Friday 4-30-21 In the faculty writing group right now, final 20 minutes is dedicated to writing. I’m spending my first 5 on this diary. I am tired out today, little sleep and low quality as well. It’s nice to be in the group though, good to see everybody and hear how they’re doing, and to make contact with a group of writers thinking about writing. Someone suggested a project visualization activity like a more permanent version of what I did with cutting up slips of paper - a sheet of butcher paper with categories and post it notes with projects, so they can be moved through the different phases and can be taken in visually quickly. That’s appealing to me, I want to try that. That plus more calendar work. One thing that came up for me in the conversation is what the indicators are of being in motion and doing the work. I’ve sometimes felt like I’m only working if I’m sweating, whereas I want to get to thinking of it more like a step counter, just logging my time and knowing that those steps really do add up. Alright so for now, what’s on my mind writing-wise? I’m excited about this paper for the June workshop and I feel like I have plenty of time to move from big idea brainstorm phase into more focused phase where I know what the object really is, and I’m enjoying the current phase. What else. I should write out my summer aspirations and my aspirations for the following academic year, in process/routine and in products, and maybe also in intellectual excitement - what do I want to dwell in, so to speak, like what am I excited to learn about and explore. I also would like to set some goals for myself artistically, so to speak, like reading a craft book or two and identifying some other modes to work in and portfolios to build up for the sake of improving. I will also admit I’ve begun to want more readers sometimes. I care about these ideas and want people to read them. That feels unseemly to say! I think my felt lack of intellectual community and general loneliness - I want to see people face to face! - has intensified that impulse to want readers. I have to think more about that. If I think of this as a whole, analogous to musical and visual art and athletic aspirations that might help a little to help me develop a sustainable and varied but still coherent set of aspirations and then a plan to follow those aspirations in an organized way. Above all I really want my days and weeks to feel a certain way - I want to be in certain headspaces, like a flow state and learning and intellectually curious and excited - and I want to make progress skill-wise as a writer and thinker, and I do want to have a second book. The object really does matter to me - like in the way I’d like to put out an LP musically someday when the time is right, and do a zine again, I also want to have the object of a second book, to have made it. I should write these out on post its and have a think as well about how they relate to priorities and then make sure my priorities are reflected in inputs of time. Going on too long here going to stop, free write about a project now. a Thursday 5-6-21 Haven’t written in a few days, been a very full time - I finished my final teaching of the semester and my wife and I both got our second vaccine doses. In that time I also was sleeping poorly. It all made for days when I didn’t write, probably could have if I had made more effort, been more disciplined, but it’s also nice to get a little time away from the writing. We have a family trip coming up in a little while, just over a week from now, I’m excited about that. We haven’t had one in a few years and I think haven’t had one that wasn’t tied to visiting extended family since we left Minneapolis. I think it will also be our first since we had kids where there’s not a baby in diapers. I’m going to bring a book and no laptop. Oh, I got tenure recently. I can’t recall if I said that in here. I’m relieved. I expected to get it but it’s nice to have it a certainty now. I feel a bit of a disconnect from some of the trappings. There’s an air of celebration and it feels like a subtext that I should say thank you, when it’s fundamentally a matter of my having re-applied, at great length and stress, for the job I already had and am good at, and upon re-applying I got the job security everyone in the world deserves in the first place, and which was withheld from me only because of budget-and-status driven institutional preferences for more inhumane labor practices. Anyway. I am relieved and it’s nice that people I know are happy for me. I had a long conversation with Alex yesterday on my drive and we were talking about the shift to not being junior anymore, being tenured and all. One thing he said that struck me is that up until now we’ve been forced to grind under someone else’s decisions about what the grind is. Now we can choose what the grind is and how to do it and how much, to a significant degree. That’s cool. I was thinking about that in relation to what a colleague said in our writing group the other day as well. In that conversation we talked about summer work where you have to sweat a lot because tenure pressure and whatnot. I am looking to work this summer but I don’t want to do more than just break a sweat. I want to finish the summer with renewed morale and work capacity, having had a summer of enjoyable low-pressure intellectual activity, and with as much preparatory work done as I can get done for an intellectually productive academic year. That’s my main outlook right now for the summer. Concretely that means some shorter work days and more exercise I think. I made a chart on butcher paper with projects on it and columns by project status/stages, things like ‘looking for materials’, ‘reading/lit review’, ‘free writing’, ‘drafting’, etc, including a final column “celebrate.” I want to make an effort to get better at that! Anyway, my thought is to look over the chart some more and use it to set some summer outcome goals (one such goal is to make a light summer workload’s worth of progress on my next book). I also want to use it to do some day and week planning: I’m craving reading and learning even though I’m intimidated by it, and I like the free write stage. So I want to think about getting different projects into those different stages so I can always have something ready to hand to work on in that stage. I also want to think about what’s a daily activity - reading a little? Free writing? Definitely the writing diary and definitely reading about writing! - and what’s a weekly activity done on only one or some days but not daily - maybe long stretches of reading? One long session of freewriting, and/or of drafting? Oh and I also plan to take my project list and put into a calendar for deadline purposes, and I should plan to schedule some sociality/intellectual community. Well that’s where I’m at now. I have a call I have to get on soon. After the fall for the rest of the day my aspirations are to go through the rest of my current daily routine, spend a little more time on this planning stuff, and then other obligations. Monday 5-10-21 A few days away from writing, missed Friday I think and then it was the weekend. I read longer today which was nice but now it’s late in the day and I’m feeling behind. I have done some side project writing work recently though. I’ve got a book review and two column-y type pieces in the works, off to readers, so that’s nice. I am feeling tense about the responsibilities I have for tying off the semester and also that work is dull so I am procrastinating on that, which just delays then amplifies anxiety, it doesn’t alleviate it. So I should buckle down and grind out that work. But I also do want to do writing work and keep that in my life so it’s hard to know what to prioritize. I need to get more strict with myself about doing my routine and all earlier in the day before other work and others uses of a computer. Well given the time what am I going to do for the rest of this work day? I’m going to touch my June conference talk for the sake of being warmed up tomorrow, maybe free write a little as well, and then a bit of time on other responsibilities. I need to buckle in to reading projects as well, the reviews I committed to doing, and I should spend real time on planning. I think I’ll do the conference paper and free write then make a plan for tomorrow, then a bit of other work and call it a day. Tuesday 5-11-21 I ended up not writing yesterday! I don’t remember what I did instead. I am a wreck of indiscipline. In the past I’ve dealt with this phase of the semester by having my boundaries between work and not-work totally break down and having basically very inefficient and very, very long work days, facilitated by my family going to visit extended family at semesters’ end. Those visits are off limits because of the pandemic so I have to confine my work time to more normal-ish hours and my old work habits are not serving me well in this context. Those habits are unhealthy and I need to change them. Bit by bit I suppose. I will say to be fair I have written some column type things for some blogs recently so I am still doing some writing. That’s good. Also have had some good conversations with Alex recently about plans and organization for the summer, need to keep working at that. Okay I’m going to free write for a project for ten minutes, draft for ten minutes, then do other work. Wednesday 5-12-21 Poor habits persist though reduced today, and that’s progress. The struggle is real but occurring, I suppose. I’m feeling generally calm and relatively alert. Yesterday I had two blog posts/columns come out. I absolutely enjoyed writing them and am pleased that people I respect like them and want more people to read them. That said, the headspace I get in during those moments is not a writing conducive one. I want to reflect more on this and talk to MK about it. I want to do more short-ish form and public writing and I also want to be aware that it generates this response in me that I have to manage. It’s a bit like when I weight lifted more my muscles got tighter so I needed to also do more stretching and mobility work, and when I lifted heavy I had neural fatigue on the day after. Again, one to reflect on and calmly assess how to manage. How am I feeling about writing projects today? I’m unsure. I am procrastinating on planning my summer, I think in part because I don’t want to face summer’s finitude and in part because I’m scared of substantially new projects. I had a good talk with Alex about this and am going to follow up with him as per our plans to make plans and be accountable. I think I should aim for a high contact high accountability summer. (And a low work high rest summer!) Alright for the next part of my day I’m going to take a walk, then immediately do my next bits of routine - free write and draft - for short inputs then some time reading for reviews I committed to, then some serious time on grading and paperwork. Tuesday 6-15-21 Can it really be a month since my last entry? How odd. In that month I have done some writing still. I accidentally deleted my tracking file, that’s unfortunate, not that was I keeping it up anyway! What might I have gotten done in the last month? Draft of a talk for a workshop, maybe a book review (did I write that earlier? I don’t recall), and two manuscript reviews for others. That’s not writing but it’s part of my writing life. I am sad that it’s so far into the summer already and I resent how much work I still have to do right now, especially since I’m not paid for it. The pandemic has me down, which feels selfish to say. That’s not at all to say I’m the real victim or whatever, just that part of the point of writing these is a personal stock taking, and such a stock taking would not be accurate if it didn’t include that reality. I have some thoughts on daily routines for the summer in light of projects and aspirations. There’s the work that my impatience opposes and there’s the work my perfectionism opposes. That’s a mix of boring logistics and early learning, when I’m figuring out I know less than I thought. Then there’s the work I’m excited by, the having of ideas. And then there’s the work I crave for distracting reasons - writing out pieces based on what I’ve already learned and ideas I’ve already had. I want to have a little of each on each day. I’m not sure if the learning and idea-having can all come from the new book project. I’m going to commit to 45-60 minutes of work per day on the new project. I’d like to get to where that’s about 30 minutes of reading and 30 minutes of note taking/free writing, but the specifics are less important: form should follow function, so to speak. I think I should also commit to a maximum of no more than double these numbers - tops of two hours work per day on the new book, to facilitate balance with other projects and work/life balance. Aside from the new book project I’d like to spend a little time each day reading for my own edification - there are works that smart friends are reading or have read, and there are works that friends have written. Let’s say that’s between 30-40 minutes (again, ideally about 50/50 between reading and free writing/note-taking) and I’d like to spent a little time each day advancing some side project, with a priority being having the side project be something I can write on. Again let’s say 30-40 minutes. That all sounds good to me. I think in addition to the above a daily habit of reading a little (say, 5 minutes) about writing, of doing the writing diary, and of doing all of the above before any other use of a computer or any other work for my job. It would be good as well to read for fun again and to get more exercise, sleep, and more time devoted to music and music writing, with all of the latter being intrinsic goods to not overdo either. Monday 11-23-20
I slept poorly last night. I was lounging petting a cat and dozed off for about 20-30 minutes after everyone else had gone to bed, woke up and was like ‘oh hell I have to finish the dishes still’, got up, slowly woke all the way back up and then was like a toddler who has napped too close to bed time. Really hard to get back to sleep afterward. Now I’m dragging today, using time poorly - poor judgment - and low productivity in the use of time I’m undertaking. Ugh. Anyway. Just had some coffee, hopefully that will kick in soon. I wrote a little on Saturday, just writing to think, and I went for a run. Between the two I had lots of ideas. That was exciting. I also feel very hemmed in by other responsibilities and feel some resentment on limited time to devote to writing and reading on those ideas. Oh well. We play the hand we’re dealt. Plan for this session: free write, read, research, other responsibilities. Okay I free wrote. Now to read a little. Thursday 1-7-21 Been an awful news week. Very distracting. Paired with return to teaching, my first january term. Low productivity and having feelings about that productivity, which in turn sap my energy more. Putting this in perspective: it’s a genuinely awful time, like to a historically significant degree, plus the fall semester and the holidays were tiring, my equilibrium is off. So I should have realistic expectations. Feel whatever I feel about the situation and the way it shapes my life, but unrealistic expectations just makes it worse. Okay then. Going to do a quick writing on the chapter. Monday Feb 22 Back to writing diarying. I’ve been writing without doing this for a while now and that’s worked alright though I don’t think it’s a best practice. I just went with that without thinking much about it. I think there are times when I don’t immediately need to do the writing diary and times when I do. If the latter go on without meeting that need then writing gets harder, I think, and if I do the diary regularly then I have those times of immediately needing the diary less often and also am in the habit of doing what meets that need anyway. All of which is to say I think it’s a best practice. Then again this isn’t a time for perfectionism regarding adherence to best practices. I am very tired today. Most days! Lots of factors to that, whatever. It’s a variation on the long standing issue that the context is not ideal for getting writing done. I think it never is, in the sense that what I really want is a context where the writing would just happen, generated by the context. If I recall correctly there’s a character in If On A Winter’s Night A Traveler who says he wants to write like a silkworm spins silk, without any thought or effort, just naturally. I didn’t get that before, now I do. Alright, enough throat clearing - diary purpose served! Quick plan: write on the chapter for the edited volume for 20 minutes, spend 15 minutes thinking about a future project, maybe 15 minutes writing to think about something? I’ll decide that last at the end of the other writing. Five minute timer went off so I’m going to break off but one last thought: it helped to start the day reading a few pages (currently in Jan Rahmann’s Theories of Ideology). Today has been challenging. Mondays are very demanding, full of tele-teaching and very draining, so I spend Tuesdays feeling hung over. My kids have been fighty today. I took a walk with them, which was nice, but now I am tired and late in the day with little to show for it, and so leaking energy in anxiety and in resentment over who the job makes me into. Oh well. Strikes and gutters, gotta keep playing, game of averages ultimately. The diary again proves its worth, turned my mood around in less than 100 words. So now what? Same plan as yesterday - brief inputs of time each on the current chapter, future project, something else, then onto other responsibilities. Tuesday 3-9-21 It’s been a disrupted few days. Our furnace died sometime thursday night and one result was a very early morning with little sleep plus a long stressful morning spent sorting that out. The rest of the afternoon was full of meetings. Over the weekend sleep was a little better but I did a ton of yard work - we’re at the time of season when that’s necessary for our little prairie patch - so I needed more than normal sleep and didn’t get it. Then Monday was the new furnace install, which was a lot of minutia and stress - covid fears! - again after a night of badly disrupted sleep. Last night I got more like normal sleep but have felt somewhat hungover all day and am stressed about work heaping up. It’ll work out, I’ve been through bouts like this, but it’s unpleasant in the middle of it. The weather’s been nice for a pocket here, that’s good at least, nice to be outside a little and doing a bit more gardening, and good to see bits of green starting to pop up. I wrote out notes on a daily routine and goals for the week, trying to more plannery and deliberate to better use my time and accomplishment, progress more, enjoy more. We shall see. I’m also trying to read more and do so out of (and in service of further feeding) intellectual curiosity. I did that today, felt good. I’m going to do a quick free write then some editing. I will say, I wrote a draft of a talk yesterday at the end of the day fairly quickly, felt good and sort of redeemed an otherwise frustrating day. I also want to return to the habit of this writing diary, that’s a best practice and I think I am in a time where I need more (or, am most susceptible to lack of) best practices. Wednesday 3-10-21 I have not yet shaken off the disruptions of the past few days (and then there’s the disruptions of the past year…) but I am feeling better than I was, so that’s something. I think I burnt out pretty significantly from overwork before this term and my tolerance for overwork is now reduced so I need to remember take things at a walk and if I push too far even taking things at a walk will become challenging. Ugh. So today… I’m going to do a short free write on something just for the sake of writing something, then I’m going to do some editing on a chapter draft, then onto non-writing work. Also going to take a walk outside as the weather is nice. I am struggling to start free writing. Ugh again. Thursday 3-11-21 Disrupted writing life continues. I could pull writing out of that sentence, come to think of it. Hard to parse the sources of disruption. Baseline overtiredness from an excessive fall and january workload, the hellscape of the world right now, the awful february weather and cooped-up-ness and my childrens’ responses to that, lack of sleep over the weekend and overdoing it on yardwork, the furnace replacement, the last few days the kids are fighting a lot and the three year old keeps coming to see me, lots of headaches lately, accumulated lack of exercise... is that the full list? Good to get it written down I suppose, to see first that it’s a real list of things - understandably ennervating - and that it’s a finite and ultimately temporary list. Some days the exhaustion and exasperation feels like who I am now. This week I’ve written and revised a draft of a conference roundtable talk, written a bit of freewriting/writing to think a couple times for blog posts, and late last week I wrote up something on music for a web site. I still don’t feel productive and I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t know what productive feels like, maybe that’s a myth. Unsure. I have to revise my book chapter and it needs a lot, I may go in to work to print it out as screenreading for organization is challenging, and more so when tired. Ditto have to edit the music thing. I wrote this later in the day after having freewritten. Flipping the order would be better but still good to have done this. I think I’d do well to dust off the writing tracker as well, as I’m back to a stretch where it’s hard to see progress I think, and to have a sense of motion, so tracking both word count and time spent would be good. Alright so the rest of today...? I’m going to set a timer and force myself to spend some editorial time on both the chapter and the music writing piece, then spend some time on listening to new music and jotting down notes for a review. Then a walk and some work on other responsibilities. Monday 3-15-21 Another monday that starts feeling further in the hole! Better than last week though, I suppose, what with the furnace and all. This time I blame the time change. Losing an hour of weekend is never good, and especially so right now. They should switch to an 8 day week by adding another weekend day, call it Schmaturday, but making it like crypto-9, by not numbering Schmaturdays, just an uncounted additional weekend day every weekend. Yesterday I wrote up a list of projects and tasks. It’s long. Two benefits to it are that I realize I actually am doing a lot, so my feeling that I’m tired yet inactive other than teaching is false and really reflects my experience of [waves hands] everything rather than anything about my actual performance, and that I have a lot less of the fog of war going on. The work feels more finite and certain now rather than infinite and amorphous, less of a monster under the bed kind of feeling. Later in the morning and more tired than I’d like to be. Oh well. Gotta play the hand I’m dealt rather than curse the dealer or myself for the hand I drew (someday we’ll have a world that isn’t structured this way). Going to free write a bit then edit a bit then prep for classes. Tuesday 3-16-21 March is now middle aged, its youth wasted and unremembered. Blech. Yesterday went better than I hoped and today’s work hangover is less than usual but it was merely a fine enough day and I do still have something of a work hangover with resulting lower productivity today. I am in the phase where I feel I am being dragged along by the semester more than it being something I am doing. Oh well. One thing that went well yesterday was my planned out routine. I largely did that and it worked, helped make the day better, so I’m going to try to stick with that. So far today I’ve followed it as well, reading some and now this writing diary. Onto other tasks now. I wish I could have some time off. Wednesday 3-17-21 I am in a bit of a mood today and am tired. Isn’t this every day? It wasn’t always like this and won’t always be like this but if we get to the ‘not like this’ phase sooner rather than later that’d be rad. Anyway. I read some to start the day. So far that’s a good call. I need to shore up my rule of reading before email or other things on the computer. Part of the problem is I’m lonely and there’s a sense of connection thru the computer and part of the problem is my house is distracting and music and headphones help me concentrate. On the latter I should load more work music on my mp3 player and start using that as a concentration aid. I like this book I’m reading, Rehmann’s ideology book. It’s thought provoking and I’m going to free write on it in a moment. After that, the usual routine. I worked alright yesterday, keep doing that, low stakes, small steps, build up from there, bearing in mind as well my work capacity may not be what I want it to be right now. Onto the free write. Thursday 3-18-21 There is less of March left than we’ve endured. Time is all tied in knots, interminable days, yet months end before they began. I am tired and wish there were less semester left, only at the half way point, and I also dread the work left to do in order to finish. So far I am sticking to routine - read a little to start the day, now the diary. I went on a walk as well - library holds needed picking up - so that was nice. I’m going to keep up the daily routine today as well then spend the afternoon on other tasks, and it’ll be full of tasks that are more busy work and annoying rather than satisfying as I’ve let that kind of work pile up amid other work and responsibilities. I am also frustrated by world and local news this week. The pandemic remains a nightmare and one steered by ghouls from every level top to bottom. Same as it ever was, I suppose, the pandemic is a variation of and intensification of pre-existing patterns. Timer went off, onto other tasks: free write, edit, then non-scholarly work. Friday 3-19-21 I’m in the faculty writing workshop right now, we’re doing 20 minutes (17 left!) of timed writing together. I feel like a ball of nervous energy right now, I’m not sure why. Like more than usual. I slept poorly last night and am tired but for some reason the adrenaline kicked in and I’m very awake. I jumped into this meeting as my first thing, that was not ideal. I want to tune up my sleep and routine habits - provide more of a setting in which to get writing done, make my writing practice one more conducive to the goals I have, and really the practice is the primary goal. With that in mind I should root around for my writing books today and get on to reading more about writing again. That said, I have continued to get work done and I am doing work to serve my writing craft and that’s good. Something that came up in teh writing writing workshop disdcussion as well is that I don’t have as a clear a sense as I’d liek o f my writing progress/process in that I don’t remember the time I put in and so I have trouble seeing the reality that I am acutally continuing as a writer, having forward motion and dedication to the craft and practice. Tracking better would help I think so I should get on that. Okay ten minutes left I’m going to free write on a writing project or edit. I’ll edit. Free write and other writing activity after the group is over. Monday 3-22-21 I got decent sleep in quantity and quality last night but I am still tired! Cumulative effects, I guess. I started my work day with ten min of reading. So far this has been a great habit, makes me more mentally focused and in a better mood, I plan to keep this. I don’t remember what I’m going to work on in my pre-teaching time today, not having worked over the weekend. (Lots of yard work though, I’m a little sore.) Probably I’ll free write and work on revising my chapter. I mentioned it on twitter and someone asked me about submitting it to a journal, which was nice. I said it’s already spoken for but maybe some outtakes add up something. I’m still percolating on that. I think I may have fallen into ‘this is my one shot at this, my one statement on it’ a bit - haven’t shaken off the years of massive job insecurity - so maybe I can focus in more in the chapter and make the leftovers into another thing. We’ll see. Good to have some interested though. I’ve begun to think that one of the challenges of the job tied to sociality is a need for dialog, either active interlocutors or interested readers. Well that’s the timer so I’ll stop in a moment. I’m sort of percolating with negativity today, worries about covid and covid response policy and about what work I still have to do for the semester, how to advise and teach well under the circumstances, etc. I think I’m generally primed to worry but my anxiety-engine is idling hotter these days, baseline RPMs of nervousness are higher before anything in particular touches the accelerator. And there’s lots of stuff pushing the accelerator pretty regularly. I’m developing an aversion to my email tied to that, not the usual ‘this is so much work’ but also in the way of the sort of jolt of worry that comes when I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. Oh well. It will work out. “Time and tide, no one can anticipate the inevitable waves of change.” Thursday 3-15-21 I feel disappointed in how my week has gone. Many meetings, lots of email, little writing. I was on a panel this morning, which was delightful and cool. Tomorrow, more meetings. Oh well. I got very little sleep last night - panel was at 6am and I got to bed late and had some insomnia as well. The panel was worth it but it made for an even less productive day. Email and so on all took longer with my befogged brain. I suppose everyone has off days, off weeks. It’s the consistent practice that really matters, just gotta keep plugging away. I’m going to clock out in a moment. Friday 3-26-21 Disappointing writing week has a disappointing ending! Too many meetings and too much administrative/logistical minutia. Oh well. Next week should be lighter. I haven’t written seriously in about a week as far as I recall anyway. I should start tracking my writing better again in a spreadsheet, it’d be good to have that info, would help with accountability. I am going to write now despite being tired and distracted and anxious. Wednesday 3-31-21 Long week and I don’t remember why. And it’s the last day of the month, what happened?! My god. Getting old fast and also the days and hours and minutes are interminable. Blech. Anyways. I was kind of active the last week or two, did a panel, wrote a blog post, etc. I think the feeling that I am inactive is actually a mark of my not being embedded in the kind of context I want and of not being organized correctly. I should try going back to a paper planner and being more strict with making best practices habitual. Probably should dust off the writing tracker. You know what I’ll do that today as soon as I finish this. What’s on the plate for the remains of the day? I have some items on my to do list other than my standard routine of free write, edit, etc. I’ll do the standard routine. Another thought: I think I am partly feeling a bit directionlessness or being adrift tied to being between bigger projects, I think I wrote about this in my Legal History Blog post, my book wasn’t just prose or a set of tasks I individually carried out, it was also an organization of my time and of my interactions with others. That’s what I want to improve I think, or rather, the unsettled feeling I have is partly the result of that organization of my life changing. Alright times up. Onto other tasks. Friday 11-20-20. A bit of a rethink.
Meetings much of the day, and some email, wrote a letter of recommendation. Writing this at the end of the day. I think I have gotten stuck somewhere, overly rigid, with a thought process something like the following: I have to write every day or I risk not writing anymore. That’s better than when I’ve had writers’ block but I think it’s actually on a road back to block — block is due to anxiety and anxiety about anxiety is still anxiety. This made sense for various reasons previously, as follows: I really could write given where I was in intellectual projects. I was tempted not to write as a result of writing anxiety. The consequential-ness of writing while facing the tenure clock amplified that, and I had a lot of demands which presented me with tempting excuses to not write. In that context, pushing myself to write regularly was productive and a good call, but I’m no longer in that context. What context am I in? Well, for one thing, I do need to write more for my eventual promotion and raise but that’s a ways off and honestly I’ll be fine I think, just given my general productivity. I am, I think, in effect revving my engine too high and not getting a benefit from those emotional RPMs. Instead I’m feeling some wear and tear - tired, anxious, etc - in a situation that reduces my recovery and restoration times. Like this is a hot day so I’m prone to overheat, running myself at a level that feeds overheating is a bad idea, it’s actually counterproductive. So what do I want and need to do? I actually do want to write. I’m in a different place now though in terms of the availability of writing opportunities. I don’t think I have a steady supply of work-related writing projects to provide enough opportunities to fill my daily writing wants. I’ve done some blogging, a conference talk, stuff like that, and that’s been cool, but I don’t have more of those on deck. The ones I could do require reading before they’ll be writing-ready. With some of those I’ve also done them in a way that meant I put time and energy into short- and medium-term writing outputs and writing-opportunity-generation and did less to create longer term writing opportunities. I should watch out for that, be careful to not get too short term. So what to do? I think I’m going to try to get back to a regular practice of blogging and record reviewing, to have that be my source of regular writing opportunities - again bearing in mind I need to contain how much time I put into that. Then I’m going to make reading be a priority. Once more on that I’m going to have to do some work to put open ended and long term reading first and medium term reading second. So, concretely, read for my ten year book project first, read for a book review second. The point of the latter is to enrich my daily writing opportunities. The point of daily writing opportunities is for the intrinsic values I find in writing, to continue to exercise my craft as a writer, and to hold the space in my life for writing in order to serve that future ten year book project so that when I get to where I’m ready to write that I have as smooth an on-ramp as possible. I feel better having typed this out. Trying to bullet point this as a daily practice: - Writing diary/vent file - Read for new book - Read for medium term project - Note take on one or both of the above - Blog/free write/try a writing exercise Probably would be a good idea to give my writing life a tune up as well in terms of going back to a writing book I like. One other thought I had is that I think I got a monomaniacal in my writing life as I was finishing my book and the projects that came after it - each one was a major focus each time. That worked well and I liked it and part of my goal in the above is to create the conditions for being monomaniacal in the future about my new book project in a few years. For me I think what I need for the time being is something more like being in graduate school and taking classes - multiple regular commitments each week - rather than being in the dissertation and later the book phase. I think I’ll benefit from writing out something analogous to syllabi and planning my weeks accordingly. I think I’d benefit from a little bit of multiple things each day or week, less single-project focus and more multi-project focus for now. I want to think more about to structure that multi-project focus, to make multiple things each have a pull on me that’s appropriate. Deadlines are one possibility, teaching and reading groups are another, for the stuff I want to read. Might also be worth (just) a little looking around and reading on project management for writers in terms of keeping more than one pot on the stove, so to speak. Well enough for now. Feels better having written this out, I feel like I’ve got a better sense of some things that have been bothering me and a sense of what a way forward looks like. Monday October 5
Alright back to this. I’m leaking energy all over the place, one being lamenting the collapse of my vent file habit. Coulda woulda shoulda. Doesn’t help but hard not to think about. I acknowledge that regret and am trying to move on. Regretting wasted energy is an ironic waste of energy. I’m going to work on a talk I’m giving in a few weeks. I’ve got lots of notes and tasks and prompts to work from. Setting the time for 20 minutes and getting started. Okay worked on my talk for 40 minutes. Felt good, I’m pleased with how the talk is shaping up. Tuesday October 6 Welp, back at it. I feel awash in negative emotions but like only up to the edges of my ankles, so to speak. I’m stepping through puddles of them and that’s gross but I’m not swimming in them, which is in the big picture really good. Late start today, as per these days, and tired, as per forever. Good music on. Spending a little more time and money on music this year has been a really good choice. If I hadn’t gotten a pay cut I’d have spent more money on music. Listening to the new Shuck record. Big and exuberant. Angry but not only angry, and uplifting, energizing. I’m going to work on my talk now. I think I’m close to a full draft that I can revise quickly and then it’ll be good to go. writing diary Monday october 12 It might be a holiday today. Columbus Day maybe? I wouldn’t know, I don’t get days off. SIGH. That’s the mood I’m in today. Tired, frustrated, sick of lots of things, etc. Gotta move forward anyway, mood will improve with forward motion - only way out is through - rather wait for mood to improve then work. So. Today’s agenda. I’m going to do some writing. Going to free write for an upcoming writing project, it’s not my immediate priority out of my writing projects but it’s the one that I can best write on today and I think it’s good for me to do some writing regularly. After that, other to-do list items! Setting the timer for 15 minutes. Okay I did that and then I worked on proofreading a talk. I’m too tired to proofread now, won’t catch my mistakes. Going to do a bit of work on another paper, research. Tuesday October 13th In the grip of intertia. This is what writing is always like, this is normal, just feels louder bcause of pandemic amplification. Writing’s not optional so that I don’t want to do it is irrelevant. Let me try this: what am I excited about regarding this project -- find something. I’m interested in testing the hypotheses I’ve got. I’m interested in knowing more about what happened. (Typing that I have all these negative feelings welling up too! Not dwelling on that, just recognizing them and nodding and moving on.) I like reading what historical actors actually thought, I like the detective quality of it too, trying to sort out what actually happened. It’s fun to be back at that. Oh and I’m excited about the ideas in the thing I’m free writing on - what I said above is about the project I’m researching on and not at the writing of yet. Okay I’m going to do a quick free write then some research then onto other tasks. Did about 15 min then wanted to keep going so I did another 20. Feeling tired now but glad I wrote. Thursday 10-15-20 Feeling slow and depleted today. We’re doing a search in my department and it’s depressing and giving me job market flashbacks. Obviously it’s even worse for the people looking for jobs of course. Brutal. And the search is so much work when I have so much else to do, still behind from the crush of getting the tenure application in. I’m tired and tense and behind and I am tired of feeling that way and frustrated that this keeps going on. Oh well. I’m trying to change focus by admitting I have those feelings about this bad situation but not dwell on it. Listening to good music, drinking coffee. Okay going to work now - quick free write on my essay. Friday 10-16-20 Late start today, tired distracted etc etc. I wonder if some time off would help, not that that’s an option anyway, or if the issue is behavioral: need for better routine and discipline. Both probly, and more need for collective context. I miss writing near other people at the library and the coffee shop. Sigh. So. Today’s work. I’m going to do a free write on a piece of writing then I’m going to do some research then it’s onto other responsibilities. I feel like I’m at the intersection of multiple lines productive of intellectual loneliness - the relative intellectual isolation of the type of job I have, some neglect of tending to intellectual community at my particular institution, my career stage and where I am in the arc of projects, and my life-stage being a parent with young kids. And then there’s the pandemic which creates more of this as well as turning up the volume on bad feeling generally. I have to think more about that. Anyway, time to free write. I free wrote on my anthology chapter for about 8 minutes. Honestly this is enough free writing on this essay I think! I think I should move into working on the essay now, and I should also find a second work for a daily free write. I’m going to update my daily routine list. Monday October 19 Feeling beat up today! Physically - did a hard work out yesterday! - and emotionally - I’m behind on various teaching-related things, missing the validation that came with face to face teaching, and I’m sad and nervous about the impending winter (snowed yesterday and again today; it looks to warm up later this week, maybe two more weeks of fall left). I can tell I’m emotional because I was listening to some songs off the new Dave Hause EP, covers of Paddy Costello songs, and I cried a little. I’m going to speak to a friend’s class today about my book that’s exciting. I also got nice notes from two people I wrote to asking for advice on a new project. Good to find things to be excited about. I’m going to do a short writing session then a short reading session - maybe just read the emails I got about the new project, copy them to scrivener and try to find some action items. Then a short session on reading for a friend, teaching-related admin. Okay did some work on a new project, sifting old stuff, in a better mood now. tuesday october 20th I’m procrastinating on writing in part out of writing anxiety, in part out of loneliness - procrastinating by doing things that provide a sense of connection, and in part because after writing I have work for the rest of my job that I don’t really want to do. Sigh. I’m frustrated with so much of the world including things at work and I’m correct in the judgments and analyses those frustrations are bound up with but the frustration is also another emotional weight to carry. I read a great essay this morning about mental health and social policy, arguing that there’s an approach to mental health right now that is basically self-help bootstrapping which depoliticizes all the underlying conditions generating everyone’s anxiety and depression. I thought it was great. I want to do more writing like that. I think I do anyway, I’m not sure if that’s a real aspiration or a ‘wouldn’t it be nice if’ aspiration. Anyways. Onto today’s work. What am I writing on? The social murder essay, and a quick free write on something else. thursday october 22nd Didn’t write yesterday, all teaching and advising day. A little frustrated about that. I started today researching how to replace a broken toilet flapper. Home Maintenance: Reflections from Damaged Life. Then I took a walk to shake it off and saw a lost dog! I don’t have animal control in my new phone so I couldn’t call. Gonna put it in my phone in case I see the dog again. Poor thing was looking all around with its tale all drooping. Cold outside too. Hopefully it finds its way home. A neighbor said she’s seen it around yesterday too. Okay so now what? Get down to work I guess. Doing what? The usual routine - free writing etc, as per my list of daily writing tasks. How do I feel about that? Fine-ish. The usual frictions of this time of the semester and this historical moment but I think that’s all. As good as it gets for the time being. Anything I’m excited about? I paused and stared into space at that! I feel a bit overwhelmed by the quantity of work and I feel anxious in the face of the relative lack of indicators about how it’s going. I do want to read work for friends and colleagues, that’s exciting, and I like the new projects I’m onto, so that’s good. Anyway, enough of this throat clearing, time to work. Ten minutes on the book chapter. Did longer than that, going through old stuff organizing it better, into raw materials for this. Next task for that piece of writing is to sift the raw material I found. Doing that in multiple passes, one pass per section of the outline for the essay. Now for a free write on some piece of writing. Okay done, 15 or 20 minutes. Tired now! Onto other tasks. I don’t remember if I wrote on friday. I think maybe I didn’t? Feels today like I didn’t, as in, feels like coming back to writing after many days away. Not a good feeling. Rusty, scared, slow. Today we had meetings all day. Gonna try to write a little before bed tonight. Tuesday October 27th I ended up not writing yesterday, got waylaid. Today I wrote but didn’t diary first. Did research too for the new project, conference paper. I feel so daunted by this but it’s good to get words down and look at sources. I feel better having done that and it’s just required. I’m going to have to spend lots of hours on this, in this headspace, putting it off makes it worse, not better. So good that I dove in today. Tuesday November 3 Election Day! A bit jittery, some internally generated and some I think I caught from others via social media. Ugh. I wrote a thing on election expectations as per request from a Legal Form editor, I’ve felt nervous having that out in the world, I am probably too thin-skinned. I think of a bit from James Acaster about a heckler telling him he shouldn’t have become a comedian if heckles bother him and him agreeing. Oh well, too late to change gears now. I should find the Helen Sword and Robert Boice books, work on mental habits. But the world is also objectively very distracting, it’s not just me. Anyways. Just typing to get myself into motion here. My feet are cold and I am very tired, stayed up too late and got up a little earlier. Trying to walk back my wake up time after the clocks changed. The cold feet help me stay a little more awake. Should have some coffee too. Today’s plan...? Unsure! I feel like I haven’t been writing? But I have, that feeling is wrong. I think the aspect of that feeling that tracks onto something worth knowing is that I don’t have a clear single project that I am hooked into and remember my location within. I picture it like I am a character in video game holding a lantern at a night or in a cloud of dense fog - a small dimly illuminated circle within a large black screen. Late in my book the fog lifted somewhat so I had a better sense of where I was within the maze of book writing. I remember now that I pushed through or maintained despite similar fog in my book writing by keeping more notes on where I am in a project, I guess that’s the only thing to do here, that and just write anyway. Maybe I just live in a mental world as a writer that is prone to foggy weather. Fine. So, what to do today? I’m going to look at my notes, pick a thing, free write then some writing/revising prose, then some research for my conference paper, then a writing exercise, then onto non-writing tasks. This has been a highly imperfect day! Writing things I did accomplish: I free wrote, revised, free wrote for another project. I also went for a run, pleased with that. Friday November 6 Election distraction continues, plus meeting and email time consumption as well as fatigue. I had another day like this between Tuesday and today, started the writing diary but forgot to save it - didn’t write that day anyway. Ugh. Days like this are frustrating in part because I hit the end of the day tired out such that it’s hard to think but I have also spent the day a little bored and have not done anything intellectually stimulating. The result is that my mind is restless and wants activity but I lack, or at least I feel like I lack, the capacity for that activity. I also find it frustrating that my job, which I got into in part because I wanted a job that stimulated my mind, is, like any other job, getting in the way of my intellectual life. Oh well. I keep reminding myself this is the worst of it and it will get better, it won’t always be like this. That’s some comfort but I still resent deferring my writing life like this. It’s 5:30, I need to clock out and be with my family. Tonight before bed if time permits I should prepare for the conference tomorrow. I’d like to figure out something I can work on writing-wise for a few minutes as well, and maybe something to read. I’m going to give that all 5 minutes of planning then be done. Tuesday 11-10-20 Just got word all face to face classes will convert to online for the last bit of the semester. That’s about 2 weeks of classes, as there’s the thanksgiving holiday and the final online week. It doesnt affect me since I’m teaching all online anyway but I’m affected emotionally. It’s a good decision but I experience it as something of an alarm, like when the weather siren goes off, I’m on more of an alert in response. I don’t like that feeling and it’s too common in my life (prepandemic and even more so in these pandemic times). Thursday 11-19-20 Gap, didn’t write these for a few days. Some of that is that I didn’t write some days and some is that I did write. I should do these regardless. It’s a best practice to keep up either way. Yesterday a student in class said "the pandemic multiplies the November effect." This the novemberest of novembers. Sucks. I read something on faculty stress and burnout and felt some sense of "yes that's what I'm experiencing" and I think I may feel worse now as a result! What may be happening is that I let out some of the bottled up feelings and now I'm feeling them. Sigh. Need to re-bottle them I guess...! For the time being. I don't know if that's actually what to do. I'm feeling little intrinsic reward from (really, I'm feeling a massive drain from) all the parts of my job that aren't direct student contact, writing, and serious intellectual conversations with fellow writers, and those other parts of the job feel really out of control. They also leave me tired out so that the student contact and the scholarly work don't go as well and so don't feel as good. A friend said that universities are less than the sum of their parts and this feels like an example of that. Well, that's the baseline emotional state. Now what? Live through it, so that when the bad times end I can flourish I guess. Once again feeling the present is something to endure in service of actually living later. If that's just the reality then that's the reality, have to live in the real world. I have to think more about mitigating as well, less time on what I want less time on, more time on what I want more time on. Ah, that's another thought: the stuff I really care most about is draining and high performance, takes mental discipline to do and to do well. As a case in point, it's harder to manage self-talk as a writer when so worn out and bombarded by negativity from the world and whatnot, easy to give in to doubts and so on. That'd be something worth exploring, getting back to flow states and writing practices indifferent to feelings. Probably the latter is the road the flow states, not vice versa. Good to think about. Had a good conversation with Alex yesterday, help raise clarifying questions and identify areas for further questioning, to look for further clarity, and he told me about a family artmaking plan for December, we're going to participate as well, they're calling it Doodle December, one of his kids came up with it. I think more artmaking for me is a good idea as well, helps clear some head space I think. Okay enough throat clearing, onto some writing. I have to figure out what. I'm going to find something to write on, then do some research for new stuff, then re-assess how to use the remaining time. Free wrote fifteen minutes on edited volume piece. Honestly it was excruciating. I’m lonely and tired out and it sucks. And tomorrow I’m in meetings much of the day again. Ugh. Project on mining, 20 minutes research. Here goes. That went well. |