I've fallen off the discipline of keeping this diary to an important extent, and fallen off posting entries here. Posting a dump of entries now, bringing this up to date as of January 24, 2020. Cool to have 240 of these entries. Might reread them someday, not sure.
Thursday 4-18-19 Should have diaried first, didn’t do so. I’ve been doing some primary source research on the doctors stuff. I’d thought of this as outtakes from diss and book, presented some of that material worked up into (what I hope succeeds or can succeeds as) a standalone piece. I started looking into more primary sources in part in response to some criticisms and in part out of curiosity. I’ve been vacillating between bored and excited about it. I think this extra work is not productive at present for the specific object I am trying to produce. There could be another article or multiple or a book here, if I want to pursue that. I am unsure at present. I think I should hold off on all of that and try to be maniacally focused on getting this object produced with minimal time and effort. That feels funny, or rather cynical and ugly, to say. I think it’s actually the best route though because producing this object could help me decide if I want to pursue further work on all this or not, in addition to instrumental benefits. So I am going to give this draft a quick read. Friday 4-19-19 Tired. Unmotivated. Used my time poorly this morning then had meetings, now am post-meeting and feeling all of the inertia, reinforced now by guilt and regret. This is a fun time! Ugh. Regrouping now. Going to do a short writing stint then some work on other responsibilities. Will create a plan for next week before I go home. Had a hard time getting anything done for a lot of today then managed to write effectively on the doctors thing, which I got to a point where I felt I could put it away. I sent it to Alex asking him to read it and give me feedback by approximately early June. It’d be nice to have the piece relatively finished by midsummer - enough that I could send it to gatekeepers - and it’d be nice to stay away from it until early June. The law anthology piece is out to readers now as well, so I’ve no immediately live document for which I am trying to produce new prose. That’s a relief. I would like to begin a new book now/soon, but begin it very, very slowly and have it be very much on the back burner. Alongside that I want to make something of my Fraser paper, and I should talk to Eric about our co-written piece. I should also read the book I’m responding to at ASLH and see if I can get that written in advance. Writing time will be scarcer in the fall. Rough distribution of time over summer, estimated: - 15 min/day of work beginning new book - 45-60 min/day of priority 1 (either Fraser or thing with Eric, not sure yet) - 20-30 min/day of reading+taking notes on ASLH panel book - 20-30 min/day of priority 2 (either Fraser or thing with Eric, not sure yet) Go in that order too as I think that will leave me most refreshed and so on. I should figure out the rest of my priorities for summer. Monday 4-22-19 I am in the chair. I have not followed my best practices of diary first then writing. I checked email and whatnot. I feel more tired as a result. Must remember that I pay for it when I don’t follow the best practice. I have a day of mostly teaching-related administrative work and I am kind of dreading it. I don’t want to write or do anything really. I am very tired and feeling a bit sorry for myself. The two article/chapter drafts are off to readers. I am going to spend a few minutes free writing on how the Fraser paper could become an article, then a few minutes free writing on a new project. Mon May 13 Back at it after a long grade and sickness hiatus. Uuuuuggh I am paying for that hiatus. The hill grows every day it goes unclimbed. Feels totally vertical now. Maybe I’ll cry. Okay that’s overly dramatic. But god damn. Okay Im going back to the piece for Umut and Paul’s edited volume. Going to free write for a bit on that then crack open the file. Okay 721 words. Now to prep for a meeting. Back to work later. Ugh got a rejection on the latest iteration of the Murray article. Sad and mad about that. 5-22-19 At the faculty writing group summer kick off event, we’re starting with 30 minutes of writing. I don’t want to write! Not today, and feels like not ever! I am tired, and tired of writing and work. It is all so tiresome, burdensome. It’s not optional though. This is not a hobby, it’s a commitment and one with consequences. The Elliott Hulse thing - motivation is bullshit. I am unmotivated? Fine. Do it anyway. (Cue Alec Baldwin’s Glengarry Glen Ross speech.) Sigh. So what am I working on? Ummmmmm I’m going to revisit my list and make a decision. Looking at the list gets 2 minutes tops. Okay doctors article. Thurs 5-23-19 Wow what a difference writing near people makes, yesterday in the writing group, so much better than alone. Have to think about how to have more of that in my life again. Feeling at a loose end today, unsure what to do, unmotivated etc. Motivation is bullshit! It’s a discipline, not a hobby. So, figure it out. Will do. Going to look at my list and pick one. June 7, 2019 Slept wrong and my shoulder and neck hurt. Can’t get into a comfortable sitting and typing position. (Typoed that as “sitting and typing poison”; mood appropriate!) I wanted to get right down to work today, focus focus focus. Didn’t. My habits need a tune up. Some work things and some life things are weighing on me right now, need to not dwell on that and not use it as an excuse for poor habits. I think it’s a bit like different sorts of economic downturns, business cycles and larger cycles and bigger crises… I think right now I’m having a work frustration downturn and a minor life challenge downturn overlap, and they do so at another kind of downturn in terms of my writing projects - some stuff is very early, other stuff is very late, and nothing that’s on my desk is in the middle. Early and late require more pushing, I feel the momentum in the middle. Long term I’d like to get to where I have just enough projects to always have something that’s providing some momentum. Maybe this is just wishing again for greener pastures. Someday someday, it’s today right now so get to it. Okay. I’m going to do 15 minutes on the doctor article then re-assess. Thurs 6-13-19 Lack of motivation! A mistake to think motivation matters. Motivation is the feeling that shows up as the reward, the endorphins afterward. Scared my work sucks, as usual, scared I can’t figure it out, etc. I’ve not made things easier for myself because I’ve not planned out as well as I could have the tasks to take up, so I’m having to choose what to do. I’m going to just pick something and jump in there. Soon I’ll do the planning for the sake of future starts. Timing/context’s not ideal (of course it never is), as it’s late in the day for various reasons, starting earlier when more fresh is better. Gotta do the work in the windows I have though, wishing for other windows is silly. Okay jumping in. Went fine. Had more ideas, arrived at some motivation. The trick to writing is to write, learning that for the millionth time. Fri 6-14-19 Tired again, distracted. Hard to start. What am I doing today? I’m at a lull point with projects. It’s always hard work but I’m at an even harder work point, no momentum in the projects to pull me forward. Oh well. Gotta do it anyway. Monday 7/17/19 In very late for various reasons and haven’t written since Friday so am especially struggling. This was a badly planned and executed day and I am frustrated about that. Those frustrations are snowballing - so many design flaws! Summers are stupid! Etc. I am wasting already scarce time this way. Writing is never easy, is it harder today or is this how it always is? I am so tired of this, I want to just quit writing entirely, never write again. I would of course miss it. The coffee hasn’t helped, I overshot the jittery line, and I am not alert/awake/slept enough. Ugh. Okay so what will I work on? I’m going to commit to a 15min free write on a new project plus 15 min on the co-written thing then move in to copy edits on the book. I am earning… something here, if the difficulty is virtuous. I hope it is; I’d hate to think this was all a waste (actually I do sometimes thing this was all a waste). Anyway own to actual work. Okay I wrote 15 min on a new thing. I pretended I know what I’m talking about, I may well be wrong in some of the claims and will need to find evidence either way (and change what I can’t support/what is contradicted by evidence). Still, I wrote 543 words. Good enough. It’s something. It helps me think and holds the space in my routine. Wed 6-19 I feel like I need a vacation, a restful one where I sleep for like 12 hours a day. In a few years, when the kids ages’ and my work responsibilities permit. Partly I’m tired from going back to the gym maybe a bit more assertively than necessary. Ah well. It’s low energy tired, not exhausted. I have some worries about my book, the usual, but I will live with the stuff I can’t fix and deal with any problems as they come. What am I working on today? Going to review my project list and see. I got a fancy coffee and its delicious and very hot so I’m sipping it slowly, maybe a quarter cup into it, so my caffeine supply’s on the low side at the moment as well. Thurs 6-20-19 I got the proofs of my review of Dan Bouk’s book. That felt nice. I like the book and I like my review of it. I made one correction, filled out the forms and sent it in. It’s nice to finish a thing, and to like a thing. What now? Time is scant because of various other obligations, feeling tense about that. Am I going to miss the gym again? Sigh. What to work on... gotta check my list and really dive in. Fri 6-21-19 Extra tired today. Coffee’s too hot to drink fast, can’t stop yawning, can’t make up my mind on what to work on. Ugh. Will be pleased to see this life stage and career stage end, though I know I will miss the former. The latter is trash tho. Anyway. What am I doing, have to review my notes from before and figure that out. Okay starting with the coauthored article. Monday 6-24-19 Trouble getting started; not choosing to jump in, that’s the trouble, or part of it. I suppose it’s not true or fair to say ‘lack of discipline is the sum total of the difficulty’ - I have to not only do the work but manage the doing; set up an infrastructure myself so to speak - but self-discipline is most of what I can control. Need to keep my response to lack of diligence a pro-productivity one, though, not make it a further waste of energy and time. Probably should figure out better accountability structures too. (Summer is a lie that masks design flaws!) So, what am I doing today? Lookin @ the task list now. Okay down to work. Worked a while. Forgot to record time or word count first so hard to mark progress. Sigh. Tuesday 6-25-19 Need to go back to writing journal is 1st thing I do everyday for work and 1st thing involving laptop, followed immediately by writing. I am struggling w/ the summer lack of accountability and intellectual community. Hermitage or hyper-availability, what a poor arrangement. I suppose it’s profitable for the beneficiaries. Mustn’t let myself tip over from accurate analysis into cynicism. What am I doing today? Must check the to-do list. Have to get home early for a family thing as well, and want some gym time as well. Need to focus and get down to work… ideologist interpellate thyself… Wed 6-26-19 In late, had other responsibilities earlier. I can feel the difference in mental acuity. Am I aging into being a morning person? The horror…! The coffee has not kicked in yet and I want it to so much. Going to work on the co-written piece. Ugh. Why do I Thurs 6-27-19 Tired today. Yesterday ended on a disorganized and sour note, had to rush home due to mix up re: the car, had to walk quite a ways. It’s too hot today, was last night, should have turned the A/C on, slept poorly. Got coffee but hot enough to require small sips, not caffeinated yet. I am in the chair though. That’s the starting point today I’ve not taken the scenic route to get there. Going to review my to do list and jump in. Top item was reread for consistency; I can feel that I’m tired enough that this is going to be challenging. Going to instead plan to go to campus later to print the thing. Reading will go better on paper. Or maybe try later after the coffee kicks in. Fri 6-28-19 In late. So much harder to start on days like this. Need more coffee. Total lack of motivation or energy, and feel pessimistic - big case of the whybothers. Gotta do it anyway. Not optional. What’s on the list? I am so tired, typing is like pulling teeth. Did a bit. Did copy edits too, then took a walk and more edits. [Shrug] Wed 7-3-19 Had a difficult parenting morning, took the kids on an outing and it didn’t go well. Has taken me a while to shake that off. Sigh. I am tired of work and of the balancing act of work, family, and trying to get a little exercise sometimes. Oh well. This career stage and family stage are both quite intense and ultimately not that long-lasting. Gotta play it as it lies. So what am I doing now in the remains of the day? Gotta figure that out. Fri 7-5 I worked yesterday a bit, I forget what I did though! Brief window again today. Harder to work late in the day. Just now I have multiple things off my desk. I have things I could work on that are currently backburnered; I’d have to return them to the front burner then. The upside to that would be greater proximity to completion and the sense of momentum I’d have once I woke back up to those pieces. The downside is that eventually the things on my desk will come back and then I’ll have too much again and would need to re-backburner those things. I also think that working on them now will leave me in the future with no options for things I can have momentum on. So I’m going to leave those back burnered and work on the more long term stuff that I’m also in much more early stages of. That will be harder now but is the better long term choice. Going to pick a thing and free write a bit on it, then read a while, then onto other non-writing responsibilities. Mon 7-8-19 This doesn’t get easier I guess. Every day I have to pick the rock back up and it’s always heavy. I should probably return to the mental hygiene effort I was making earlier this year as I think I’ve slid back a bit on that. But I also think I need to just embrace the fact that the work is hard work, and stop wishing it wasn’t. Sigh. Mondays especially hard, the days away, and I’m in later, also harder, more tired. ‘The context is inauspicious’ I cry every time as if it matters. So what am I doing? Where to start? Going to glance at my projects list. Okay going to free write for the possible new book project. This is a spacer as per Rebecca Schuman, it’s fine if the results are garbage. Better: the results will be garbage. It’s the image MK gave me - the reservoir of good writing is below the reservoir of bad writing. Getting out the bad writing helps make the good writing more available for the future. I feel the annoyance and doubt and so on of bad writing now so I can feel the benefits of good writing later. Present me taking one for future me (who should do more to express gratitude to past me; a mental note for that mental hygiene thing I mentioned). Okay down to it. 340 words. Enough for today. Wed 7-17-19 I got my last footnote edited yesterday so that’s the manuscript as done as I know how to make it. Wrote emails trying to begin thinking through blurbs, and getting the book indexed. I’m having pre dissertation defense nervous feelings; this emotional state was unexpected. It’s not a big deal, volume knob is turned low on those feelings, just a surprise is all. Didn’t write yesterday. Can’t remember if I did the day before that or the 4 days prior. I may well have written on things that I didn’t put dates on. I know it’s at most 4 days because I have a dated free write on the 12th. I did do some writing in condensing footnotes and such. I’m not minimizing the accomplishment of the book, I am very proud of myself, it’s just that I want to maintain the discipline of creating new prose from scratch a little each day. Anyway, if I’ve not written the past few days then it’s just a few days and I’ve had these breaks before. Going to write now. Thurs 7-18 I am so tired. Late in the day. Late start (raccoon in the attic, had to call pest control to try to get them to come out; also hung out w/ Sam who is leaving for a good elsewhere, happy for her and sad not to see her as often soon) and very tired - the heat, the baby, the raccoon, the lateness of the hour. I read a while and hit the point where it was hard to take in the words. Too late in the day for coffee though. Sigh. So going to make myself free write a bit, for the discipline like. Fri 7-19 More sleep, more caught up, less tired. As good as it gets I think. Oof. My mind is blank regarding possible new project so I think I need to read and have more to react to, dialog with, draw upon. For the sake of free writing I’m going to switch up and free write on something else; this is spacer writing, holding the discipline and practice, so that content is less important. I’ve written a fair bit toward the possible new thing, almost 7,000 words over the past month and change, that’s a lot considering how little I actually know about any of it! For this spacer writing I will try to keep doing that for that project and when I am drawing a blank I can do it for other possible projects; again I’m just holding the space. I think I am creating ideas that are interesting and will help me in the future but that’s a by-product. Plus writing on one thing can spark ideas about another thing. So, going to free write on something else, then spend a while reading and taking notes, then onto other responsibilities. Mon 7/22 Slept super poorly last night, too hot. So tired now. Hard to think. Don’t want to do anything. Ugh. Mind feels not just blank but like a surface that can’t be written on, like a black hole pulling in light. Blech. Coffee’s still too hot to drink. I’ll wake up after the coffee kicks in though I have a work meeting to go to in just over an hour so time is feeling scant. I wish there was more summer left, I am about 6 weeks behind where I’d hoped to be. Oh well. This is how it is. Have to live with the reality of the situation, not wish it was otherwise. Going to read a while. Tues 7-23 Tired, distracted by other commitments, and I remain in this relative valley between projects with momentum — nothing rolling downhill that I can be pulled along by (the grass is already greener…! As if the book didn’t feel like one long uphill slog…) I’m trying to figure out how to integrate reading and writing. Freewriting is harder the less I know about a subject, but reading and learning without integration into a writing project is also hard, feels aimless. (Have to keep that in mind in my teaching, empathize even more with students who start from a dead stop.) Okay going to make an effort at free write. Did it for a little while, 150 words or so. Lots of questions, lots to learn…! Learning is hard. Decided to write on the book I’m speaking about in the fall. I’m only about a third of the way through but I wanted to try to get something down to collect some thoughts I’ve had and generate new ones to keep thinking about as I proceed, and so I’ll feel better about the conference deadline. That worked. I have 1650 words after 55 minutes of typing. Pleased about that. Late in the day. Emailed this to Alex. “I ended up writing a draft of my conference paper today based on what I've read of the book. I think that was a good use of my time and am pleased at the pace - 1800 words today - but I also feel like my performance was lackluster because my diligence fell off pretty significantly later and because I didn't make the headway I wanted to make in actually reading the book, only got about ten pages in. I think I need to retool how I define success; should probly try to default to 'how did I succeed today?'” Wed 7-24 Might be catching a cold. Sigh. Worn out, want a vacation, like a real one that’s restorative. Read a while, took some notes. Going to make myself free write. Thurs 7-25-19 Had some home repair stuff to do this morning, got in late. As usual tired and distracted. Perpetual ugh. Read that book a while. Did some work email. I am sad at how little summer is left. I am also sick of the summer, not just the heat but the social summer - the isolation and lack of routine. I don’t think I can afford a sabbatical but I would like one, and if I do take one I will need to set up routine and social contact. Sigh. Anyway. I need to get home soon, have not managed a free write yet; should have journalled first. Going to make myself grind out a free write now. Okay 27 minutes, 1030 words related to new project, mostly aspirations, some big picture plans and tiny bit of content. Wed 7-31-19 Late in the day. Been an off week. Read a lot earlier today. Free wrote some earlier this week on a blog post responding to an article. This spacer writing is hard to do - writing is always hard to do! - Maybe this is harder because it feels like I’m not doing anything worth doing, just holding the space in my schedule to write. Writing is always hard for a particular reason. Maybe it really is objectively harder sometimes but I think mostly whatever is making it hard this time is the hardest thing to deal with. It’s hard work that’s why it’s hard, it’s exertion. Reminder number five thousand. Going to free write for a bit now, I have a thought to start with. Okay free wrote 430 words. Thurs 8-1-19 Read a while today. Set up new OS so Dropbox will start working again. Then had too much in Dropbox, had to pull some stuff out. Annoying. That kind of meta-work feels pointless. Oh well. Tired now, minimal bit of day left. Going to make myself do 15 min of free writing. Not sure on what at the moment. Fri 8-2-19 Free wrote 200 words on new project. Felt like pulling teeth! Sigh. Family trip starts sunday. Summer feels like it’s evaporating. Sigh again. Going to do a bit more writing on another thing for a bit then do some teaching-related work, then probably read and/or gym? Mon 8-26-19 I’ve done some blog writing and note taking, and work on my book’s index and such, but no writing-writing really for a while, between family trip and course prep and a bit of time off. Tonight though I wrote up a prose toward a description of my second book such as it is, for the ASLH event. Glad to have that down. I feel inadequate and intimidated, but whatever. Gotta start somewhere, and writing this up gets me a bit further down the road. 9-13-19 Friday the 13th! Back at it. The dairying I mean. I’ve been writing with at least moderate dilligence for the last while but my records say I’ve not written in the writing diary for 2 or 3 weeks, and have been very spotty before that for month or more. I am today tired and distracted, and feeling a bit of the why bothers. I have a second book project idea in mind that I have suddenly begun to doubt. I had doubted my ability to pull it off all along but now I’m like ‘maybe I should do this other thing for my second book instead.’ This is all very premature as I am so preliminary, I have invested what is ultimately a small amount of time. The practical way forward is to find the area of overlap between the two projects and focus there, and decide later when it can be a more informed decision (since both involve substantial new learning about areas I don’t know well yet). This is also I think really just an expression of my worries and my career stage and life moment. The answer for that is to keep going and to also give my habits a tune up - start the diary again, check self talk to see if I need to tweak it, get back to a sustainable work routine and so on. I am also having a bit of the grass is greener and some sense of intellectual loneliness (meanwhile I feel harried and busy so that activity that is objectively an expression of intellectual community feels stressful in terms of time management). Again it’s not about what it’s about, it’s really about my underlying headspace. I think this is all normal for where I’m at. I like to think of it as a kind of inaccurate text to speech converter that is mistaking the groans and other exertion sounds of my writing life for utterances with propositional content. Mostly it’s just that exertion is hard, but that’s why it’s good for me, why I’m proud of doing the work. Anyway. I am not much relieved; I wanted the diary to fix everything and it didn’t. What’s the line? “My expectations always fail me.” Back to work. Did a free write on content for ten minutes, 400ish words, feeling better. Goign to log the time and words in my writing tracker. Tuesday 9-17-19 Yesterday did not go according to plan. Lots of unexpected in-person time for various reasons. All stuff I value but I got nothing else done and it’s tiring. I am feeling both worried and drained today as the rest of my week is looking to be roughly similar. There’s a phrase in a kid’s book I like — get scared later. Fretting now in my already scant time is counterproductive. Fret after the fact, to decompress, rather than beforehand in anticipation, that’s a big waste of energy. I am also intimidated by the stage of the work I am in. I keep thinking I need to (or actually will) get over that, but really this is a constant, just one that varies in its mode of expression. It’s like in my friend Tom’s comic that I have on my wall, every day you have to choose again. I’m going to write now. Wrote for 30-45 min, 750 words. fri 9-20-19 I accidentally wrote 11-20 at first because I glanced at the clock and it’s 11am but also it felt right that it would be already November.Where is the time going? To meetings and email. Sigh. Writing workshop today. Glad for it as I think I wouldn’t do this writing time otherwise. What am I working on? I have those potential book projects. I will work on the project description for one of those for the ASLH event. Five minutes left in workshop writing time, another round of writing time @ the end. Writing group was so good! We wrote a little (10min), checked in, discussed on piece of work-in-progress, now we’re back to writing. I am in so much better a mood now especially regarding writing. I also REALLY want to check my email and so on. I should start a resistance journal again and do it on paper. Okay I am going to write for 20 minutes, that’s our window. Friday. Been a hard week. I think I wrote nothing all week. That’s frustrating. I wrote this morning though for about 45 minutes, 1100 words trying to explain new project(s) for the conference event. Good to write. Tempted to keep going and over-write/binge-write. Going to stop now, better to get other work done now and help set myself up to integrate writing back into my ongoing routine. I will say, I like the future projects I’m sketching out. It’s nice to feel interest and excitement in a project. Thurs 10-3-19 I am in the chair and ready to start writing. I am going to work on a co-authored piece. I wrote yesterday. I have been writing recently though more eratically than I would prefer and without sufficient tracking. I might consider printing out tracking sheets and trackign by hand then inputting later. I am unsure. I should also go back to reading about writing. I am feeling a bit nervous about new writing projects and gun-shy about presenting my work to audiences I think of as gatekeepers. I am also feeling excited about the ideas in the work and about intellectual relationships that aren’t gatekeepy, like I have with my co-authors. Sometimes I think academic writing culture is an anti-writing culture, objectively anti-intellectual. It is hard not having a big project, not having big momentum. I like the small pieces I have going on but I want a bigger project to be further along. I want small pieces as a break from and as things that operate alongside but in support of a big project, not as things that are instead of a big project. That said in this lull between big projects of early time in beginning a new big project it is good to have small things to keep me writing. I need to be sure to also put in time, though, to advancing the big project(s). I suspect that means slightly less time at the keyboard and less time trying to create new prose and more time reading and researching for a while, and taking notes and thinking out loud about what I may be finding. Anyways. I am going to start writing on this cowritten piece. Short session. Short session turned out to be a long session. Gotta watch that. Glad for what I got done; got the co-written piece to another full draft and sent it to co-author. Need to move on to other work now, maybe gonna eat and recaffeinate first. Friday 10/4/19 11:57am Trying out the composition mode on Scrivener. Took a few minutes to get the settings how I like - the paper fully non-transparent (opaque! That’s the word!). A very irritating few minutes, I think indicative of my usual disposition to impatience and also to my situation/immediate mental state which is high frustration and impatience. I think I’m stressed a lot and it starts to feel like my personality, like that’s who I am. Some of that’s context that’s largely out of my control and some of that are mental habits that I could eventually change. I resent that the latter is all I can shape here. Sigh. Anyway. It’s friday, weekend coming up, looks to be full of home maintenance work, which is also frustrating, activity that’s neither especially satisfying nor restorative nor relational - unlike hanging out with my kids. I guess the mental weather report is cloudy and drizzly. Writing-wise what am I doing? I keep thinking of this as a lull but that’s not accurate, I’m actually pretty active as a writer, I just am active on smaller things and am early in the project curve/lifecycle of several projects. That’s a matter of the position or context in which or on which I am acting, it’s not a matter of my activity level. My activity level is relatively high, which I’m pleased about and which is a bit tiring. Not overly so, just that I am exerting myself and in terms of keeping track of my performance to any degree if I am doing a tiring thing but not remembering it then I will not understand why I am tired while doing other things. I’m tired because I’m working hard, in lots of areas, including writing. More tracking would likely help this. Have to get back to that habit. What am I actually writing on today? I am unsure. Should be a short session. Going to look at my project list and come back to here. Before I do so, composition mode is nice, I like the image I’m using for the backdrop (grey landscape scene, a field and abandoned barn like where my grandparents lived), and it’s good for focus. Okay going to free write for a few minutes with timer on the edited volume piece for next year. Free wrote 15min. Timer + composition mode = really good today. I want it to be a magical thing that makes writing always and forever after easy. I bet that will definitely happen, right…? Sigh. I also had trouble being motivated to start. But once underway it was good. 15min and 538 words, and clarifying and thought provoking words. Monday 10-7-19 Getting to writing late in the day, events conspire as ever, my own self-pity is a double agent within that conspiracy of events, as if spending time feeling sorry for myself is anything but a further loss of time. As usual I am finding it hard being in the early stages of things. I should try to map out projects and see if I can develop a portfolio of work, have two items per stage - say zero stage like I’m at much of the time now, then early but in motion, then middle, then late but still with writing task lefts, then finalizing when it starts to feel like busy work. This is an aspiration to a state that I find exciting (is that just what aspiration is…?) In any case, I should get down to work today. I am going to free write some ideas for another new thing that I’ve committed to writing. Ah I should remember that, committing to things is a way to get the work done, by threats. Anyway, down to it, 15min with a timer no less and because of other responsibilities no more. Okay 15 min and 694 words. Tempted to call them garbage words but I suspect that’s a bad habit. I have more words and thoughts than I did before. I am a few more feet up the hill. And I like some of the questions I have begun to wonder about as a result. In the chair. Slow start this morning. Tired, distracted, averse to working, scared, etc etc. The usual. Thinking again of my friend’s comic that’s on my wall, Garfield saying ‘every day you have to choose again.’ I think I could likely do more automating to reduce choices and save some will power but ultimately this remains true, every day it’s a choice, it’s a commitment that takes will and discipline. And yet at the same time it’s not optional. I have to do the work. I want to try to make the work inevitable, then get over avoiding the inevitable. On that note I’m going to look at my list of projects and pick one to jump into, 15 minutes is all, that’s not a big deal. I wrote in Scrivener composition mode with a timer (write a little after the timer to finish up a thought). Took a minute to shake off my frustrations with my context when I first started. When I am in that headspace am right but uselessly so, getting in my own way, hard to get into the subject at hand. I did it though. The activity timer app I have is good, I figured out how to have it do a pop up window when the time goes off, which is very helpful. Mostly wrote planning words today, figuring out how to further the beginning of this project. I keep thinking of it like ‘still need to figure out how to begin’ but I have already begun. I feel impatient with this phase of the project and worried that I will never get out of it, that I will not actually pull off the project, feels like I can’t do it, but those are just feelings not accurate assessments of capacity. It always feels this way, those are habits of mind (should revisit the Boice on self-talk and the Sword on emotional habits). Not real prose but a lot of planning words, 849 of them. That’s a good sized number for 15-20 minutes of writing. Happy with that. All told I have about 8,000 words toward this project. I think I will feel better when I get to 20k or 40k. I am figuring it out, I am under way. Okay onto other work. thursday 10-9-19 Suboptimal circumstances continue, as they always will, hence the need to vent. Had 8 student meetings yesterday, which is good and rewarding but very tiring, on top of teaching 3 classes. Haven’t been sleeping enough - work stress, partly - and woke up today with a cold. I’m kinda worried about the direction of the big picture at work (the small big picture I guess, as opposed to the big big picture of the world), and frustrated about parts of it. It’s not in my immediate sphere of influence, and I feel guilty about not trying to expand my sphere of influence to make my concerns actionable. I dunno. Stuff’s hard. Hard all over. Gotta live anyway. Hard to be patient and whatnot. The state of the world locally and writ large brings a lot of big feelings. It is better to be someone who responds that way than someone indifferent, but I dunno if it *feels* better. I dunno. Anyway. Tired, cranky, the usual. Lots of other work meetings this week too (I think we maybe meet too often; inefficient, though it’s nice to see people). Have to wake up, lock in, focus and get down to work. Wrote all this down, don’t really feel any better, but probably will feel even worse in a few days if I don’t write it down. I dunno. Going to do a short writing session on a project. 15 min again. I regret not writing yesterday. 17 minutes, 762 words. Still trying to figure things out. Up to 8600 words for the project. Aiming for 40k, I think around that point I will feel better about it, like I have enough to count as having started. To really get to 40k I may need to read more as well. Saturday 10-12-19 Didn’t write yesterday, day was totally full of meetings. Did talk to an old friend and colleague on the phone about the new project a little in the process of catching up a little, so that was at least making a little contact with it. Writing a bit before bed on some ideas I had tonight. Good to check in with the work, and having these ideas helps make clear that it’s good to try to write regularly because ideas will occur between sessions this way. Tuesday 10-15-19 My laptop is a distraction-rich environment. I just spent five minutes moving the icons on the toolbar around and getting annoyed at how there are like 5 of them that don’t do anything for me but do things for my employer, which crowds out actual uses for me like where the timer app icon is. Clearly a good use of my time and a proportionate response to a very important problem… sigh. I am in composition mode on Scrivener now, have to make this habitual because it really is better. Term is in full swing, this is day 2 of fall ‘break’, a term I loathe as there are no breaks. There are about two weeks of actual break a year in my work life. I did some writing yesterday for a co-authored piece, which has been a joy to work on. I am unsure what to write on for my writing session now as again everything is off my desk. I guess I need more writing projects but ones under timelines I control? Unsure. Going to look at my list now. If I can’t find an appropriate place to plug in then I will just pick one and free write, or free write on an article about teaching. I’m hesitant to do the latter because teaching takes up so much time and headspace already (I like it a lot but its hard to carve out room for anything else) and I worry that spending much time writing about teaching will result in teaching taking over my writing time/headspace. Anyway, going to do 15 min then onto other responsibilities. 15minutes-ish (wrote a little after timer went off) 722 words of spitballing. Little by little, day by day. Composition mode plus this timer app is GREAT. Thursday 10-17-19 In the chair. Slow start. Distracted and tired. Ah wait, gonna set 5min timer. Done, now in composition mode. Stop paying attention to that so I’ll stop paying attention at all and just write. Part of the fun is getting into a flow state, like with drawing. Maybe that’s part of the point of the journal, trying to get out the stuff that stands between me and a flow state, and helping create more clarity on the route to flow…? I got invited to write something for a journal based on a blog post and it’s cool and flattering but intimidating. I have to actually pick what I want to argue and develop, which is work and I am tired, and I worry that I’m not onto anything worth being onto. Having impostor feelings (‘maybe they invited me just to be nice!’) Ugh. Gotta reread the Voice and Sword and give my mental habits a tune up. So what am I going to do for today’s writing? 15 min on the new piece I got invited to do. Going to free write or try to write the first draft or something, to figure out what I really want to do. That gets 15min, as I have a lot of other work to do. Looking forward to writing group tomorrow and having a longer block of writing time. Honestly I feel almost constantly inadequate - mental habits again - but more objectively I think I’m doing quite well, productivity-wise, especially given my teaching load. Gotta work on recognizing that more, give myself some credit. Should maybe write about that, why it feels funny to do so. I wonder if it’s partly a class and region thing. Anyway time for my 15 min - ah the 5 min timer just went off, nice. Gonna get down to it. 647 words. Getting a bit clearer. Little by little. One foot in front of the other. Friday 10-18-19 In writing group right now. No workshop component. We’re doing write on site as a group for maybe 45 minutes. A different nervousness this way - must be accountable! Don’t mess around - but also comforting, easier to face the work. I should try to set up more work sessions with others like this. Still feeling nervous at a baseline level about the new projects, I should dig into and capture some of that nervousness, map the self-talk to try and interrupt it as per the Boice. I think I did pretty well at that last time I made an effort late in the book. I guess I thought maybe it was over and done then but maybe this is more like stretching, something I need to do on an ongoing basis. Anyway, going to get down to it properly today - working on turning a blog post into a possible article. Moving on to that now. Thursday 10-24-19 I’m at a high frustration time in the lifecycle of the job and to some extent in my family lifecycle, and I’m tired out so my frustration tolerance is lower. It will all work out but this is not peak fun-time. Oh well. I ran into a colleague this morning who is in a similar situation and we vented together then began to talk about trying to get together to read some things, we got into a tangent about being in our 20s and being excited about and having time to read things like Kafka and Kierkegaard and we both got much more animated and energized. That’s revealing. I want to try to remember to work to cultivate more of that, in a practical way - spend more time on things that will generate that affect. I will say, I took a bit of time last night to write a record review and tried to take some risks in it as a writer, that was rewarding and I’m proud of myself for making the effort. And now some scholarly writing time. I’m going to do 15 min on the possibility of turning a blog post into an article. 15min, 565 words. In a bit more doubt about the piece than when I started because I developed new questions, sort of tore out the floor and realized I needed to build a new foundation. Important to realize but means a bit more work than I thought I’d have to do. I’ll get there, though this is not the most fun realization. Anyway. Onto other work. Friday 10-25-19 Slow start today, not diligent enough, regret that a little. Am tired, not enough sleep and an overly long week, not enough breaks in the future either. Oh well. Refocusing now. I am intimidated by this article project. Facing the gatekeepers is anxiety inducing. Maybe the point of peer review is to keep people who are less fancy out of the circles of the fancy. I dunno. That’s an effect tho. Academic publishing practices seem out of whack, whatever the reasons. Anyway. I saw a thing where someone suggested trying to write in comic sans font to reduce writing anxiety. I’ll try that. Okay 15 min, 400 words. [Shrug] It’ll have to do. I think I’m on the right track now…? Hope so? Monday 10-28-19 At coffee shop, short window of time before a meeting (what kind of monster shcedules a meeting for 9am, that’s the middle of the night!) doing this diary for 5 w/ a timer in composition mode, just writing anything to make my fingers move on the keyboard. Kids trading colds at home, me too, not enough sleep, too much work, and the coffee’s too hot to drink. Going to a new faculty orientation event to talk about faculty writing group, feeling a bit of fraud feelings, which are inaccurate but are a clumsy expression of the challenge of writing. What does McPhee say? A small version of writers block faces every writer at the beginning of each day? What am I working on? I guess the article version of the blog post. The proximity to gatekeepers makes it so much worse! Might try writing in comic sans again. Maybe try to get mad, fuck that bullshit gatekeeper garbage, I used to get fan letters from senior scholars with my dumb little blog, the broken systems of peer review are the problem, as is the other garbage they’re embedded in. True but didn’t work as pep talk. Anyway. Onto ten minutes of grinding out prose.Okay 10min. 300 words. Ugh thursday 10-31-19 On the bus. Tired, grumpy. Too much work, too little sleep, and I haven’t written for the last 2 days Missed the first bus too, found myself grumpy about the second bus, people using the bike rack and stuff, slowing the bus down. That’s unfair and petty of me. Back’s been sore lately too, too little exercise, too much sitting. A supervisor at the postdoc I had after grad school said that he lost 50 lbs after getting tenure because he could say no to things and could prioritize exercise. He said being pretenure is really bad for your health. I’ve hung on to that, that this isn’t my fault. Ugh. Lots of bad institutional arrangements in the world, and lots of dull whining about them. Good to let it out, get bored by it, and so remember to focus on other things that are enjoyable. Looking forward to writing group tomorrow. In the coffee shop now, gonna drink my coffee then look at my writing tasks. Going to do 15 min of timed free writing then will pick a project to do some work on. Oh yeah I need to remember to look at the Boice and Sword on self-talk, I can feel that mine has slipped, tied to getting drafts back with comments. Should journal on that as well, would make for better quality of life and more efficient work. 40 minutes, 1000 words. Lot of big feelings, struggling with the ideas, still figuring what I really want to say in this essay for S+S. Sigh. But I’m 1000 words closer. My friend Bill said something the other day, we were complaining about the hints of winter, the cold and snow, and he said ‘but this is also all taking us that much closer to the first day of spring.’ That’s a good attitude. I write down into the dark and cold because that’s how I can eventually come out the other side. Friday 11-1-19 Music on, at writing group, silent writing together for about half an hour. Doing the vent file as a best practice, tempting to just jump into the writing. Frustration tolerance low lately due to lack of sleep and due to stress at work and stress from money; I think we’re getting by okay but expenses have been high (again!) this year, this time from car stuff etc, so we’re basically covering our costs of living each month right now. I work so much and our kids are so much work that it’s hard to imagine doing any more work right now but I also want to be able to buy a meal out sometimes and get a new record or t-shirt - not to mention trying to save for things like a new water heater and furnace and windows, or paying for the salary cut that would go with a year-long sabbatical - so I am considering looking for gig work online. I resent that I have to do this, think about this. The messages that come with my job confuse me - ‘we respect you, we value you’ and I think that’s sincere from the people who say it but those are not built into financial operations, hence the money worries. Respect doesn’t pay for my increase health insurance premiums. Anyway, all that on the mind. I think it will work out, as long as our relative luck holds i.e. barring any unforeseen problems (like we had this year with the car dying). Stressful tho, and makes the hard parts of the work weigh heavier. Timer just went off telling me this has been 5 minutes. I think this combo of composition mode hence reduced distractions in view plus a timer that pops up plus some music, this is a good way to work. And so now onto the work. Oh also, mental note, I want to work on mental hygiene again. I got some traction on that last year or earlier this year. That was in a different context re: the lifecycles of my projects/my writing life. I had late- or late-middle-stage book writing tension. Now I have very late stage final revisions of article plus very early stage beginning an article and beginning a book tension. So different self talk I think, plus probably just need to just periodically/regularly pay attention to and give a tune up to this self talk. Okay now for real onto the work, feeling more calm and positive now, the vent file works, and not much time for the payoff. Going to read Eric’s notes on our co-written piece then set to work on the piece. 21 minutes left. Monday 11-4-19 Tired, long weekend, parenting and home repair. Blowing my nose and finding dirt and concrete grit from the work in the basement. Ugh. Lots of grading to do and some course prep, tempting to abandon writing but I have 2 pieces back on my desk from a co-author and editor respectively, and have been approached about a third for end of the semester, and need to tweak my conference paper for the new panel format. I experience this as stressful demands on my time, which is accurate, but this is also me getting into relationships that form a context that promotes my getting writing done. Good problem to have. Now off to work on the co-authored piece a bit. Tuesday 11-5-19 At the coffee shop. Tired and distracted. A lot of ambient noise and flashing lights in my writing life right now. Ugh such a whiner! ‘The task itself is hard and that’s compounded by the circumstances being less than ideal.’ I should just write that down and print it out and tape it to my computer and all over my office. Still gotta do it. I guess it’s good to ask how I feel about it today. I feel kinda tired and kinda sad about it, feel kinda hopeless. Low energy feelings, feelings that maybe drain energy from elsewhere, an energy leak in the writing system. Sometimes I’m bad about stuff and that’s not pleasant either but it’s kind of energy I can draw on. I guess one thought is that I don’t need to feel energized to do the work, I just need to put in the time regardless of how I feel. That said writing down how I feel can sometimes help me start to put in the time, which is the point of this exercise. I’m going to get my Boice book back from Josh, he said he finished it, and read it again. Boice says something like write in a state of calm alert. I forget the term but it’s good advice. Cultivate the discipline to discipline the headspace and do the work. And to do the work regardless of headspace. Perform the techniques and the headspace will catch up. Okay enough throat clearing - and there’s the 5 minute timer! - Time to start writing. Going to read over the coauthored draft then free write intro and conclusion. Read it, wrote 1300 new words. Can’t tell if they’re any good. Probably not, but some of the ideas definitely are. We’ll see. Thursday 11-6-19 The usual malaise! I think the reality is that as a scholar I feel intellectually lonely. I don’t feel that in all areas of my life and there are some relationships and community that I am fortunate to be part of and for which I feel very grateful, but the time I have for those relative to other demands on my time is out of joint. And I feel this more acutely regarding peer reviewed work than regarding other academic work (and the record reviews I’ve been writing, that’s felt nice). Oh well. This isn’t forever and I think in the long run I can at least mitigate this further. Worth percolating on that. I’m pleased with the institution and relationship building I’ve done here, formally - the writing group - and informally, and I think I can expand that stuff further. I do feel a bit frustrated and surprised that no one else has done it before but maybe things have changed in some way I don’t understand - a friend said the other week that the post financial crisis academic world is very different, obviously the most important elements being the job scarcity and worsened pay and conditions, but in that also everyone coming out of grad school wants a life as a scholar and has had to really hustle to find anything at all, so people who get jobs enter those jobs kind of hungry. Anyway. Again, still the usual malaise, tired, grumpy. I could use a break. I should get tenure in a year and a half, so maybe summer after next I can take some actual time to relax (though that’s hard given my kids ages, whatever). Okay onto writing. Going to do 15 minutes on the S&S article trying to build on my blog post. Then grading and meetings. 20 minutes or so, wrote 700 words, I think these words may be halfway decent actually? Fingers crossed. Monday 12-2-19 On the bus. I wanted to do teaching prep (I’m being observed today, feeling tense) but the wifi is down. I haven’t written in the writing diary in almost a month. Maybe that’s part of why I’m dissatisfied. This past week has been hard. Grading storm, holiday (holiday was nice but I felt the loss of work time at a challenging point in the term), and grading on the weekend. Ugh. Anyway. As usual, tired, bad attitude, not in a context that facilitates success, etc etc. I’m intimidated by my writing projects - smart coauthors for the cowritten pieces, smart editors for the anthology pieces, and then the new book… I want to hide from it all, not write any of it. But I also want those pieces to exist in the world and no one else is going to write them. In any case today is looking to be packed with non-writing responsibilities. I look forward to being able to get back into writing more predictably and serious once the semester ends, this has been a challenging term. I should be more fair to myself as well: I finished my book then did the various tasks required to finish that off, dealing with the copy editing and so on. That took up a lot of time and tired out my writing muscles. I found it frustrating because I didn’t advance any new writing or improve as a writer by doing that work, but it is still work - I’m spending my time reasonably well, I just don’t have the time I would like. Friday 12-6-19 I’m at our writing group meeting! There’s a writing diary entry for Monday of this week and one for nearly a month prior. Oof. My routines need a tune up. I’ll make that a goal over the holiday/january interim (I keep saying ‘break’ then taking it back). What do I even write am I a writer that’s my headspace. I’m nervous about getting back to writing with more time and focus now that the semester is wrapping up, feeling the impostor syndrome, maybe I just pulled it off because I was in a good grad program with good advisors. That’s nonsense of course. I’m qualified, not an impostor - I should practice saying that more often, the first part (find a positive expression for ‘not an impostor), probably be good for me. But at a gut level this is where I’m at. That said I’m also excited about the prospect of getting back into writing. I am interested in the current and new projects. The 5 minute timer is up, that’s enough writing diary. Going to free write about the new book project, I think I have 15 minutes before the next agenda item for the writing group. Friday 12-13-19 Friday the 13th, appropriately enough given the UK election results yesterday. Blech. I got proofs for my book last night, which is exciting. I went over the first 18 pages today. 274 to go! Maybe I should try to make my next book shorter… I like the introduction. For a theoretical work and a work of academic history it’s angry, pointed, which I think suits the times. I’m at a coffee shop now and can’t get the internet to work, I don’t really even know why I want to get online. Feeling a bit lonely I guess, my family are away visiting the grandparents, and I also want to procrastinate from all my grading. Another batch of papers should have come in this afternoon. I need to check and dig into that. I’ve had a relatively productive week writing-wise, though at gut level I don’t feel like I have. I got two co-written pieces that had been in my inbox pushed through to the next stage and back to co-authors, and have now gotten them back so that they are ready or nearly ready for submission. That’s exciting. (Typoed that as ‘that’s existing’ which is funny and arguably apt… maybe I’ll write an essay someday on existentialism and midwesternness…) Cowriting has its own worries built in (largely just social anxiety) but on balance I like it better than solo authoring. Or I like it differently from solo authoring. Either way, I want to do more of it, it’s nice, fun, edifying. Reading the intro of my book I had some ideas for things I might write blog posts or think pieces on. I’m going to free write to capture those for later. In a little bit I’m going to head to the botanical garden and try reading more of book proofs there. Then grading tonight. Might make myself do a little new writing as well, no sure yet. Friday January 24, 2020 (!) I need to return to the diary habit. It’s good for me. The discipline helps, helps me get other things done and better. I did a writing check in by email with a friend, wrote this as part of it: “ I wanna give my writing habits a tune up, I've let the routine and organization/discipline go. I've gotten a reasonableamount done but I think I could do it more efficiently and with less stress if I do that habit tune up. I also want to get back into reading about writing, I think that helps, like even just a little regularly as a kind of daily devotion” I counted, I’ve got 56 unposted diary entries, 57 including this one. I’ll post them up to the diary blog site. It’s cool and weird that I’m on the other side of my book now. I tallied it up and last year plus the18 days of 2020 so far, I wrote about 28,000 academic words last year, not including my book. Today I wrote a long abstract or introduction to a new thing for something I got invited to do. I dropped my current projects into a Scapple file including updates. I like all the stuff I’m working on. It’s thought provoking and it’s relationship-embedded writing so that’s nice. I especially like the cowriting and want to do more of that. I like having a range of pieces that are in different stages, though juggling the deadlines and stuff gets a little intimidating. I’d like to keep on having a portfolio of works at different points in development so I can always be in motion. I might want to have a bit less going on, for the sake of concentrating more on the new book project. Then again I also want to write more review essays. I should think more about those different aspirations and priorities. I guess the new book is the most important priority in some sense. Really what I want is a writing life, a writing routine, more than the outputs. I think I should integrate working on the new book into my daily practice (I need to read more too, make that more of a daily practice). Other writing helps me read and stay in motion and it holds the space for writing in my life so that when I’m ready to generate prose or at least free writing to find ideas for the new book - ready in the sense of I’ve read what I need to - I can do so because my writing routine held the time open in my calendar.
0 Comments
|