Thursday
Cold this morning. My body feels a bit shivery. There’s a window open on the back of the bus and it sucks. Cold drafts. I’m tired of being tired. Didn’t have time to have coffee before I left. Did get to see A a bit before I left, and hold the baby. That was nice. The big kids were still asleep. Ridiculous news about Biden and Trump talking publicly about beating each other up. Juvenile, internet tough guy bullshit. I’d totally pay money to watch them fight though. Also a story about the civil war in Yemen. Heartrending. Today’s going to be very full, teaching and prep and likely students coming to office hours. This morning I’m going to first coffee up then do 30 minutes on my stuff then teaching prep, will check email in office hours not before. I was up to date as of yesterday. At the library, coffee and pastry. While I eat I’ll just check me emai- nope. Printing latest draft of chapter 4 to read over and take notes on. Spent half hour on that. Got to page 4! Good work then in my note taking and revision plan, means this pass will be productive. Feeling better. It’s the emotional arc of the drafting - I am now confident in the solidity of the thing so that changes don’t threaten its existence. Friday Ended up at a meeting before writing today, then a friend showed up at coffee shop to write together so wrote before diarying. I think that slowed my warm up and in the future I will benefit from remembering to always diary first. Read through another 20 pages of ch4 draft and took notes, handwrote a bit of revision, feeling good about it. Monday Late start today because of family commitment this morning. Got lots of lovely time with my lovely baby, made the transition to work harder. Worth it of course. I made that transition poorly, checked email and read the news before writing. That was a mistake. Refocusing now: I want to use my time away from my family effectively, and in a way that helps me accomplish goals I am proud of. Going to get down to a bit of writing work today then onto other responsibilities. Made it through the end of another pass through on chapter 4. Not feeling good anymore about it! Argh! It’s good actually. I like a lot of it. Just more to do again. My impatience biting my again. I have come far and fast, focus on that. Tuesday Poor performance today. Late in the day, did other things before writing. Don’t do that! Was tired when the day started, am so much more so now. Sigh. Going to spend some time on writing now anyway. Wednesday Took my kids to a thing this morning, half day-ish. Nice to do family stuff, and I am today and this week struggling with my work rhythm and momentum. Also am extra tired and distracted because the semester is really barreling downhill right now. Oh well. Time to work. Worked half hour, went well enough. One foot in front of the other. One other thought: I have fallen off of posting these daily, I’ve just been keeping them on my comptuer. I think I should go back to posting them every day for the sake of the ritual, reminder of the priority of my work.
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Spent a little more time at home this morning, left the house with home on my mind, listened to the news on the drive in, arrived to work disheartened and disgusted. I don’t think my work is big picture significant, but maybe can be positive in the way that small circulation punk rock singles were significant to me when I was young. And I think I’m onto something in the sense that I’m trying to understand some ugly social patterns that appear in what I study and in many other places. So I’ll come out of the work with a better sense of how our society works. That’s valuable.
I’ve procrastinated this morning, too much news and such on the mind. Getting into actual work now. Okay worked a decent while. Finished another pass through chapter 4. I think I may be able to finish the chapter by middle next week, definitely be end of the month. Maybe that means chapter 5 by end of semester?! *ahem* This will happen better with better focus. Posting this and last couple entries to diary site now. I’m almost on entry 60, that’s exciting. Stoked to get to 100. Made A a cup of tea before I left the house, and myself a cup of coffee. Hoping it kicks in soon. On the walk to the bus stop I suddenly wasn’t sure if I’d actually poured the water over the tea bag or if I had only poured the water over the coffee grounds. That would be tacky and inconsiderate. Small guilts and worries. I think I may be getting sick, my throat feels a bit scratchy. Back to teaching today, will be nice to see the students after the spring break. I ran into a co-worker on the bus yesterday and we smalltalked, he said ‘I liked when you called it spring break-even.’ I’d forgotten that. Didn’t break even this time. The transition back, and the ride to the end of the semester, may be bumpy. (Road, pot-holed. Won’t edit.) May not though. And sometimes a bumpy route is still the best route: some of those bumps will be due to my commitment to writing my book; high quality problems.
Feeling more positive today. Maybe I shook off a little of the haze yesterday. When I get to work I will get out the paper copy of the draft of chapter 4 and set to work on the hand written notes I’m working from. Half an hour then onto other tasks. Ugh I checked my email first! What a stupid mistake! Onto writing now. Writing went well. A weekend ‘off’, lots of family time. The time with my family was nice, and I’m tired. I had the longest paternity leave of my three kids this time around and it was nowhere near enough. Six months, a year, that’d be - anyway. Resentments a-simmer. I went in a little later (on the bus now) to help w/ morning stuff. Made the oatmeal and tea, got to talk and play with the 4 y.o a little, the 8y.o and baby woke up just as I was packing up to catch the bus, go to give them and my wife goodbye hugs so that was nice, and I miss them more and resent the work more. Some of this is me being tired, harder to self-regulate my emotions, some is the situation - the tiredness, and the newness of the baby so I miss her more - and I think some is the time in the semester - this isn’t the funnest part of the arc - and some is the point in my writing, I feel very in the middle and it feels interminable. That’s an inaccurate feeling, I’m going relatively quickly I think, for me anyway, and am in sight of done with at least the first draft. But it doesn’t feel like it. The feelings are real in that I feel them but they are not information about the project.
Got to work and did email first and then procrastinated reading new. Stop doing that! Am in the chair now with the paper file in front of me. Going to start. Worked. Am struggling with distraction/focus and mood today. I’ve kept up the diary but offline. Life got a bit hectic so I let go of the time needed to post the entries up here regularly.
Entry 46, Monday Rough few days and late start today. I’m worn out, run down, and don’t want to work. I crave some time off. More time off specifically in the form of less writing and less frequent writing would be counter productive though, what I really need is to re-establish my routine and momentum. I am sufficiently on top of my non-writing responsibilities, that is the reality even though my lying nerves say otherwise. That said, staying on stop means discipline, I need to be efficient with my time. Going to get out my notes and write for a short session, but long enough to produce results and contribute to return to momentum. I am going to suspend pre-work on chapters 5+6 until I get back on top of my writing process and get far enough into chapter 4 that I feel pretty good about it. Must remember, however, to return to 5+6 while still mid ch4 once a sense of ease settles in. And I know that sense will come, and that I can write even if it doesn’t. How the work feels matters but it is not a precondition for doing the work. Worked a while. Went well enough. I am still feeling tense, I think a mix of this chapter and feeling unprepared for teaching, and guilty about being away from family. Sigh. Still must go on. Good enough for today. Quick review of other responsibilities for the next few days then home. Entry 47, Tuesday On the bus. Rushed morning, no coffee. Got a little more sleep last night, am still quite tired but not catastrophically so which is a step forward. With coffee I’ll start to feel actually alert and the work will go well. I’m feeling harried and rushed with other work responsibilities and house stuff. I think when it gets like this I worry about what if I don’t get it done and about time being scant. It’ll all come together, the important stuff always does. Today will be chapter 4 again. Again going to work for a short session, need to put a lot of time into teaching to get ahead of the next unit since this is a new class. Doing two sections of the same class is definitely saving me time but doing a new prep for both amplifies the stress of the newness. Anyway this isn’t my teaching journal. Chapter 4. I’ve got my notes in my bag, will pick it up where I indicated I left off. Once I’m halfway or so through and it’s feeling more doable I’ll start adding extra sessions to dig into chapters 5 and 6 a little more, for the sake of saving myself some stress in the future. These past few days have been hard but manageable, pleased about that, and part of why is I planned and read for my classes far enough ahead and I set a foundation of my writing practice. Pleased about both of those. Feeling an urge to check my email, won’t do that until after I write. Stay in a writing headspace. Note to self, update spreadsheet to log writing times. Am in the library now, getting out the folder. Not checking email was a good idea, I’ve stayed in writing mind. Worked on my stuff a while, went fine. I'm having some trouble w/ this chapter work and part, maybe all of it, is that I've fallen into trying to march from start to finish and fix all the issues en route. I said this to a friend here and she said 'what you're saying is that trying go to start to finish and do everything top to bottom is more likely to make you get stuck.' I gotta remember to stick to multiple passes with a purpose for each pass. This current pass = 1) large scale organization, 2) generate prose when + how I can but don't get lost in the details, 3) identify gaps in the organization and underdeveloped ideas 4) freewrite on what ID #3. Then on a second pass I'll try to fill in the gaps using that free write material and will figure out other issues. anyway done with writing for today. Entry 48, Wednesday Distracted! Didn’t diary first -- I’ve been doing them on the bus and I drove today. should stop doing them on the bus and do them 1st thing when I get in to work. Am now in the chair and down to work. Re-organized the chapter. Ugh. Worked productively and diligently. Entry 49 Thursday. Morning doldrums. Looking forward to spring break, to get to decompress slightly, and looking forward to actual swinging. This return of winter thing is some bullshit. Got to see the baby before I left today, so that was nice. Big kids still asleep. Baby was full of smiles. It’s nice to be liked. I’ve been working shorter this week mostly, to make room for other responsibilities and to maintain my pace. Pleased with that but it’s been harder insofar as I’ve gotten to spend less time in the headspace that comes after warmup, so have spent a larger proportion of my time in the pre-warmed up negative headspace. Ah well. Chapter 4 again today. Re-outlined and started figuring out where old prose/notes go in the new outline. Finished that today, have a new skeleton/annotated outline. Next step for next time, I think, is drafting new prose again. Entry 50, Friday Short on time have to jump right in! Continuing on chapter 4. Wrote. Went okay enough. Entry 51, Monday Two days off and a long morning of taking my kids to an appointment. Late in the day and am tired, distracted by car trouble etc etc. Sigh. Going to get out the paper folder for chapter 4 and see what I have to do. Worked a while. Moving forward. Still finding the correct organization for this chapter. I think it’s getting closer. Tomorrow or Wednesday I should begin to dig into ch5+6 more too, since I am feeling better about this chapter. Entry 52, Tuesday On bus. Tired and distracted as usual. Family visiting from out of town, the visit is nice and the house is crowded and they are up earlier than I am normally. Coffee will help. Did a bit of weeding in the yard early as a result, so that’s a silver lining. Bus is kind of crowded today but not terrible. Different cross section of city residents on the bus than at work. Got to coffee shop and squandered some time. Sigh. Need to not do that. Also could use a real break where I get some rest and come back not tired, which isn’t going to happen. Oh well. Today chapter 4, after the coffee. Feeling more calm about it now that I’m really under way for chapter 4. I finished another draft of the chapter. It might be close to done actually. (!!) Dug into ch5 a while. I have worked long enough today, any more would be too long. Going to go to the gym, after gym other responsibilities. Entry 53, Wednesday Same as it ever was, plus a bit of a headache. Sigh. I’m hesitating again. I’ve had momentum and rhythm before, I wish I was in one of those times. No magic trick to it, I need to do the hard work. Worked a while. Moving forward little by little. Never enough never fast enough, my habitual impatience is not an asset. Entry 54, Thursday Some nice time at home w/ the 4y.o this morning, and very distracted once I got to work. Spring break, as if. Harrumph. Did a bit of writing. Enough for now. Onto other work. Entry 55, Friday Procrastinating this morning, feel guilty about it. I am tired, and tired of work, and tired of my book. Going to get to work now. Feel so much better having worked! The chapter needs more doing but it’s coming along. Too little sleep, poor focus this morning, frustrated with myself. Some of this is context out of my control, some of this is poor choices on my part, frankly because I’m early in chapter and am intimidated. Avoidance is a self-defeating response to anxiety. Need to get my shit together. Going to work a bit now.
Wrote a bit. It was pretty good, really. Onto other responsibilities. Meeting’s done. Angelica called and is sick. I’m cutting the day short to take the kids. Feeling stressed about the resulting work scramble. First things first, just wish the secondary things were less consequential. Here I stand I can do no other. Having had more time to sit with this, I'm feeling fine. I have the usual stress of the job and I tend to react to changes of plans. Objectively I'm doing well this semester, so the car has some shocks to handle this bump, which is ultimately a small bump anyway. And I have this room to maneuver in part because of good planning and hard work, which I'm pleased about. Tired. Too little sleep, back feels a bit tweaky, too much sitting too little stretching and moving. Sigh. Today and tomorrow are pretty packed and a lot of it is time sensitive so I have to moderate work time on writing. Do enough, and also not too much, so I can maintain momentum and pace. Will do 15 minutes on this chapter, 15 on later stuff, then move for today.
Did all that, late in the day. Put writing second to other priorities today. I’m okay w/ that under the circumstances, the student recommendation letters are very important. Also want to note it’s from poor time management earlier this week that I ended up having to do this. Manage time better, won’t have to do this in the future. Over all, proud of how the day went work-wise, especially given how tired I am. Managed the work, rolled the boulder one day’s worth. Am in the chair. Some delays, but not huge. Started off the morning reading news. Upsetting. Had trouble shaking that off. Still having trouble. My head and heart grab on, hard to make them let go. It doesn’t matter that it does no good, it’s still hard to let go. The trick of it is to not try to subtract but to add something else. I put on a record I’d always meant to listen to but never got around to. That helps. The wrong bands always get famous, never the right ones, with few exceptions. Am down to work now. Going to work on chapter four. Turning skeleton into prose. Doing that briefly then working a bit on the set up for chapters five and six, then onto other work. I need to remember to pace myself today. I have time today that I could devote a lot of to my writing in a way that leaves me harried tomorrow and friday. Today’s pace needs to serve the pace of the whole week, be a team player, because a short term gain writing a lot today at the cost of a lapse in my discipline is in the long/medium term actually a loss.
Okay getting out the folder, going to set a timer to 30minutes once I know what I’m actually going to do. Forgot to set the timer. Did it now. Wrote a while, a bit longer than planned but not excessive. I'm not far enough into this chapter that I’m feeling good about it yet, but I am feeling better and I know I will soon feel better in it. I’m going to set timer for 15 minutes and do some of the harder preliminary work for next chapter, to reduce that discomfort in the future. Chapter 5 materials are in better shape than I thought! I have a meeting, going to spend another 5-10 minutes (min and max) doing the tasks currently IDed on ch5. Then same time on ch6 Did that stuff too. Day went well. |