Tired II: The Tiring. Working title for the B-movie of my life (F-movie, let’s be honest). I can feel the lack of momentum and direction. I don’t want to work. I don’t like my book. I want to sleep and to hang out with my kids. Ugh. Oh well. The work’s not optional. Going to spend some time on chapter 4. I would really like to finish this chapter this month. I will feel better if I make that happen. That will require actually doing the work then.
Wrote. Went fine. Over the past few days I have written tons of emails to students re: grades and paper feedback and other emails and spent a long time today updating my spreadsheet gradebook as I’d fallen behind tracking attendance. Today as I write and mouse around my wrists and elbows hurt. I wrote this bit for the afterword I typed my dissertation and my book on laptops I also used for other work tasks. I typed both under local institutional pressures and larger pressures of the economy of higher education. In the process I developed periodic pain in my wrists, thumbs, elbows, shoulders, and neck, and in my back and hips from too much time sitting. All of this seems reversible thus far and it is small compared to what many other people live with and, in some cases, die from. Still, it is my small piece of the way our jobs mark our bodies, including those jobs like mine which tend to thought of as disembodied.
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Didn’t write yesterday. Deep sigh. Am going to work on the book today for a little bit. Am working with colleagues at the moment. Am SO TIRED. The coffee is not having an effect and I have so much grading to do later. Sigh again. Only 27 days until the last of class. It’ll be fine.
Okay worked a bit on the chapter. I did not write yesterday, Tuesday. Did so by choice, I am swamped with other stuff. Today I worked on chapter 4. I started right away without diarying because Renee texted me about working together. The diary is less necessary in the presence of a friend to write with. Good to know.
I read through the last of the draft of chapter 4, made it to the end. Up next=do all the handwritten notes on the document, then another pass doing the bits marked in the text in brackets. Maybe I’ll be done with it after those two passes. I am on track for finishing this draft this month. I want a word for the draft statuses: finish means ‘as good as I can feasibly make it now as a component of the process of the first draft of the manuscript’ rather than ‘really fully finally finish.’ This is why I keep stressing the term draft, because I don’t want to get hung up on the finished-ness: it will all need more work once the whole draft of the book is written. Anyhow. Pleased to be in motion and book in progress, real progress. Familyful weekend. A bit more sleep. I’m trying to remember that normal for this point in the semester is different from (worse than!) normal earlier, so I should set expectations accordingly. Evan stopped by this weekend briefly, on a cross-country drive. Nice to see him. I’m pleased he got a job.
Today will be the usual pattern these past recent weeks, a short bit of time on my chapter then other responsibilities. Going to work on chapter 4 first then a bit of time on source acquisition for later chapters, then onto other stuff. Going to remember to take some breaks today. An hour of time is worth less than an hour if I don’t take breaks and rest/recharge. Am on the bus currently, at coffee shop soon. Going to get coffee, set up music, get out folder of notes, and get right down to work on the chapter. I am lately having other aspirations on my mind, other things I’d like to write and wishing to play more music. I think this is impatience, tired of the current project or current phase, and is a fantasy that I can leapfrog over the middle bits into a fully formed thing - a bit like students hoping their first draft will be a good final draft. It’ll all happen, and more so if I proceed in a way that actually gets things done and hones my craft. Practice patience even if I don’t feel it. Worked on the chapter for 15-20 minutes. Poco a poco. Feeling okay about it. I wrote with a friend today. Writing with a friend is better than writing alone. I’d have done well to diary first though. Might do well to put a sticker on my laptop to that effect.
The writing went well enough. Hard, scary, etc, but I am braver in the presence of others. Day is packed with other stuff to which I now have to turn. I wrote with a friend today. I was late so just started writing without dairying first. Writing with a friend is better than writing alone. I’d have done well to diary first though, would have warmed up faster. Might do well to put a sticker on my laptop to that effect.
The writing went well enough. Hard, scary, etc, but I am braver in the presence of others. Day is packed with other stuff to which I now have to turn. Checked my email just now, let go of some anxiety that way but probly fed the tendency toward being anxious. Oh well. My cold is worse today, throat hurts. Tempted to call in sick but I’d pay for it later making it up. Again only time for a short bit of writing then have to grade papers. When I get in to the library I’m going to get out my folder for chapter 4, write down the time, and do 15 minutes of diligent work. Then I’ll do 15 minutes of source gathering for chapter 5, then the rest of the day’s spare moments go to grading. There won’t by many spare moments unfortunately. I just checked and it’s 35 or 36 days until the end of the semester, then a week of grading. That’s doable, I can endure worse than this for longer than that.
Worked. Some of the sections in the chapter need to be moved around and I don’t yet know the new order needed. That is frustrating. Oh well. It is only April 5th. I’m on track still to finish the chapter this month. Also: my impatience is raging. In the long term I need to work on losing the habitual impatience. At work. Life is coming at me from lots of directions. Many of them good, really, just lots of demands on my time and attention and the part of my head that sorts and prioritizes those demands is tired, and the part of my head that actively tries to fuck up that sorting and prioritizing is going strong. [angel on left shoulder can barely keep eyes open staring at spreadsheet; devil on right shoulder double fists espresso, cackles and shouts random numbers]
Got some good news from a friend who has gotten a job offer. That’s nice. Read an article draft, very good one!, by another friend, also nice. Going to work on my chapter now. Worked 30-45 minutes. Have to get onto other responsibilities. I really want to keep going on this. Giving in to that impulse would be a mistake. I need to keep that urge alive, not fully satisfy it. And I need to spend enough time on other responsibilities that nothing else breaks down and cause a situation that requires greater total demands on my time, which would end up constricting my writing time. This need to rein myself in on the writing is a high quality problem really. Feeling much better about the work just now. Up early to take the trash out. Back to reading Steinbeck’s diary. Very affirming. Today he was complaining about distraction and nervousness, doubting himself and his book, wishing he had some other career. I saw a joke recently where someone said that writing teachers would be more truthful with students if they stood in front of their classes and cried for 45 minutes followed by spending five minutes expressing hope. Nice to know this is normal for the work.
Given the state of play, so to speak, I’m going to write short again this morning then onto other things. Will do so as soon as I get in to work (am on bus now). Am at the library now, have coffee. While waiting for my coffee I started thinking for a moment about other things I might write later and had an intense rush of impostor syndrome. Sigh. Going to get out my notes for chapter 4 now. Worked. Went fine. Reached the end of this pass through. And need to do another pass, for what I think of as small structure. Sigh. But! On the bright side I think I can finish this draft this month. I have a cold and had a weekend that was not restorative. And the baby has a cold, which is worse and more tiring. Even more so for my wife, for which I feel guilty. Had a lot of time with my family over the weekend, which as lovely, and going back to work is harder now. I miss them.
I am feeling worn out and negative. Last night I looked up how many weeks remain in the semester. Six or seven. I can do this. That’s not that long of a time period. Just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In past semester’s I’ve quit writing around this time, just a little before this time. Pleased that I’m managing to keep going, and it’s really hard. I’m going to do the work now. Worked. Went okay. Onto other stuff. |