Entry 85, Thursday
I got right down to work today without diarying first. Weird. Work went well. I think I was excited to dive in today. I've figured out that for me writing and revising works best if I do multiple passes through a thing, once for key ideas where I'm doing a lot of disorganized free/generative writing, once for large structure (sections, mostly), once for small structure (paragraph and sentence order) and once for sentences/word choice. I pretty much always let myself go back so the conceptual unit gets bigger so that when doing a pass for small structure I can return to key ideas and free writing or to big structure. I never let myself skip ahead to the next pass This works really well for me. It's pretty fast, faster than other ways I've worked, but it *feels* interminable so I need to manage my expectations/impatience. Anyway, I'm now on what I think is a sentence-level pass of the chapter, which means it may be nearly done. I'm 1/4 of the way through and am only finding sentence-level issues to work on, which is exciting. I'm nervous that I'll find some big structural or conceptual problem 3/4 of the way through. Even if so that just means another week or two. I'm pleased to be so close to done with this chapter. I'm on track to finish it in about a week, which will put me at 2/3 of the manuscript initially drafted. Also: I am scared of revising the manuscript. That was the phase where I got writers block while dissertating. Entry 86, Friday Woke up tired. I was up kinda late and the cats were obnoxious and loud a lot during the night. I got to see my kids briefly before I headed to the bus, so that was good. Today is my mother in law’s last day here and I wish she was staying longer. She’s fun to have around and is a big help. We’re going back to being understaffed, basically. Sigh. I’m at a coffee shop now with friends, so the writing fear is quieter, smaller. Still sharp and bitey, but much more manageable. I got distracted by music and social media. I’m thinking of starting a resistance journal on paper, because my resistance to writing is often expressed in the form of using the computer to do stuff other than write, maybe getting off the computer to write that out would help. Today I’m on rereading chapter 4 draft. I feel nervous about it and impatient to be done. Feels like some boredom in there too but I’ve read the thing enough for it to be regular boredom, it’s really wanting to be done with the draft. Okay I got the paper copy out. Read through and made notes for the next revision. It feels close to done so far. That’s exciting. I’ve done 31 pages, 19 more to go. Going to change gears now I think because I can feel myself slowing down, working less efficiently. I’m going to refill my coffee then see what else is on my to do list and write an agenda for the day. Entry 87, Monday It was a long week and very full weekend and I am feeling all of it today. I want to be relaxing and having low key fun, and sleeping a lot more. I miss my kids too. I resent that I have to teach a summer class, that we need the money, and that I don’t get a real break of any appreciable duration. I don’t want to work on my book or anything else. And the work feels irrelevant. The world is on fire and is captained by shortsighted and selfish people, and I’m writing a work of esoteric interest to a tiny group of people. Sigh. Sigh again. I’m going to recaffeinate and get down to reading. The work today is reading through the draft of chapter 4 to ID issues. I wish it was done already. This stage of draft writing is always unpleasant, I always get really impatient. Made it through to the end of this pass, so I have a list of tasks to do Going to start working on those, am not going to try to get them all done today. Entry 88, Tuesday In late. Woke up from a nightmare two minutes before my alarm, didn’t have time to go back to sleep to reset, took a while to shake it off. Was hard to get out of the house on a timely basis, got to work tired, the usual... Chapter 4 revisions again. Sigh. Worked a bit. Went fine. Ran into some friends by working at the library, that’s nice, restorative. Onto the rest of the day. Entry 89, Wednesday Got in late, stayed home w/ the baby for most of the day so the rest of my family could do a thing. Am tired, grumpy, slow. Writing at the end of the day is crummy. Wrote, went okay. Entry 90, Thursday I am STILL on chapter 4 revision and I don’t WANT to be. Ugh. Nearly done, really, just am whining. Worked. Feeling better. Entry 91, Friday I had writing time blocked out for the morning but was genuinely unavoidably pulled away. I then had a day full of meetings and emails. I am tired now. Feeling emotionally worn out by the end of the semester, and frustrated that I didn’t write this morning. I also feel guilty because my wife’s home with the kids and I’m not. And I just don’t want to write. Am going to get out the folder of chapter 4 notes now and get down to work. Entry 92, Monday The teaching part of the semester is over. The grading part right at the end is about to begin. I don’t look forward to that. I’m not feeling the summer feeling yet, but I look forward to it arriving. Right now I just want to spend time with my kids or do some gardening and guitar playing and cooking. Oh well. The weekend was pretty full again. Nice but a tiring weekend means starting the week tired again. In the big picture everything is good, fine, I just wish there was a bit less of it all, bit slower pace. I’m on the bus, a woman just got on in an Eeyore sweatshirt. I should read the Pooh books again to reset my attitude, and for the sake of having more well-crafted prose in my diet. Maybe read more E.B. White too. I’ll be at the coffee shop relatively soon. The plan is to order coffee then immediately get out the paper folder with the notes for chapter 4. They’re very nearly done, I think I have a paragraph or a discursive footnote left and that’s all. I’m excited to set this chapter aside. The into chapter 5. One nice thing about summer will be more long writing sessions and fewer things competing for my attention. Am in the coffee shop now. Got distracted by email. I shouldn’t have checked it before I worked on my book. Ugh. Onto book work now. Entry 93, Tuesday I had a morning meeting and was up extra early because I had to take the trash out. I’m proud of myself that I was disciplined to work for a few minutes on chapter 5 before the meeting. Definitely too little sleep last night and am going to be coffee intensive today as a result. I wish I’d gotten to see my family before I left the house. I miss them. I thought I had two meetings in a row but the second meeting turns out to be tomorrow. I’m pleased that I’m into chapter 5. Going to work on chapter 5 again in a moment, maybe after my next cup of coffee. Dropbox quit working! Argh. Got it fixed. Onto work on 5 now. I got a fair bit of work done on 5 today. Feeling good about that. On Angelica’s advice I started 5 a while ago, to get the discomfort of starting a new chapter out of the way or at least reduce it. That totally worked, it’s much easier to start this one now than it would have been otherwise. I’m currently doing a mix of remembering what I’ve done, ramping up this chapter/ramping up my return to this chapter, and doing some new work for the chapter. Pleased about all of that. Entry 94, Wednesday Meeting today for faculty writing instruction project. Went well, heady conversations, dug into things I care about in productive ways. Pleased to be part of that, and tired out afterward. And as usual started the day tired. Sick of being tired. Parenting is insufficiently supported. Awful news today of the government starting to separate children from parents in migrant detention. I’m so angry about this. The powerful stomp on the weak, over and over, and don’t have to know the moral consequences. That they get to live with themselves is one of many things that upsets me. Sigh. As always the context for starting to work is less than ideal. Starting anyway. Going to get out the paper notes for chapter 5 now. I’m a little nervous about chapter 5 and issues of larger chapter organization. The answer to the first is to write the chapter, to the second is to finish the book and revise the manuscript of the book as a whole. The trick to going forward is to go forward, no trick at all, stop tricking myself into not going forward. I’ve done pretty well at that really, and I’m proud of that. Maybe I’ve accomplished enough that I can soon begin to try to remake my mental architecture - continue the behavior, change how it feels; keep writing, have writing be more pleasant. We shall see. Onto 5. One step at a time. I think I’ve worked half an hour now. I can feel distraction coming and my self-control declining. Taking a short break to reset, and eat and recaffeinate. I worked some more. And I accidentally threw out my paper copy of my chapter to do list, which was the only copy, had to reach into the garbage to get it back out. Sigh. Work went well, I moved the work forward. Entry 95, Thursday Very full day, wasn’t able to make time to write in the morning, I regret that. I probably didn’t try hard enough. Am now late in the day, very tired and have to write. Ugh. Going to do so for a bit then onto other responsibilities. Worked a while. Now to grade soke Entry 99, Friday Similar day. Sigh. Going to work on book for 30 minutes now. Entry 100, Monday. This weekend: attended a kid bday party and a neighborhood festival, got the jungle of grass in my backyard chopped down (it was definitely knee high in places) and got easily 30 mosquito bites. Got a bit of garden weeding done. Also got Kit to pick some arugula and plant some spinach. I was pleased about that. Nice to spend time with her, and she was brave about the bugs and worms. So was I! A centipede came out and she was like ‘eww gross I don’t want to be by that’ so I picked it up between my finger and thumb and tossed it away. Felt super gross and creepy but mostly afterward - I acted before the fear fully took hold. Pleased about that. The prairie plants in the front yard are start to look good, my neighbor complimented it too. I’ve been thinking of it mostly as an annoyance (so much weeding to do!), it’s nice to have it start to feel fun. Neighbor also offered to help me do some masonry on the house, second neighbor to offer construction/renovation help. Both those neighbors have also asked me to watch their house a bit while they’re away and exchanged numbers with me. Feels good to be cultivating relationships of trust and that people want to be generous like that. Angelica also pointed out that the construction help specifically is likely a perk of living in a blue collar neighborhood. Growing into a life here. AND I AM SO TIRED. I’m at a coffee shop now, I really need to get my grades done by the end of tomorrow afternoon, given the deadline and family commitments. That will be a challenge and will be unpleasant. I’m at the the coffee shop with friends, for accountability and moral support. I’m going to write 15 minutes (well, read the draft of chapter 5) then get down to grading. Worked. Chapter 5 is further along than I’d expected, it’s coming together out of the raw materials really, really fast. That feels good. And the problems in it, the first draftness of it, is really bothering me - I’m overreacting to the issues in it, which likely are normal and will work out through continued rereading and revision. Also: entry 100! Stoked about that. It's an endurance sport. Anyway onto grading.
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I've been keeping these in a running file on my computer for the past week and change. Posting them now, on Wednesday (diary day 84!)
Entry 75, Tuesday Read some more Steinbeck diary on the bus in. Got to work and read and checked email first thing. Such a poor choice, and one that’s contextually encouraged. Wrist and other discomfort today again. Sigh. Time to work. Worked on chapter 4. Made it further into the notes for revision on the hand written copy. Did some work on source acquisition for late chapter, not sure if that stuff goes into the book or into a future work but good to do either way, and is thought provoking. Going to free write a bit on the thoughts provoked. Entry 76, Wednesday Am at coffee shop. Didn’t charge laptop so battery is low. Can’t sit by Renee as a result, have to sit somewhere else by an outlet. There’s a metaphor in here somewhere. And another in this fucking endless winter. Ugh. Today I’m going to spend time on chapter 4 then a bit of time on source acquisition. I’m nervous about this stuff but the volume is turned down low on that. Some of this is just that I’m too tired for loud feelings right now. Okay I slouched my way into the internet and there are several people at the coffee shop who I haven’t seen in a while. Am going to order food and coffee and get out the folder for chapter 4 work. Getting responsible. Paper copy out, time to do the work. Entry 77, Monday Bad lazy time, as Steinbeck put it in his diary at some point. I am very tired and the weather is good and I have much to do that I don’t want to do. Sigh. I have squandered too much time on unimportant things. I now have my folder out and am going to work on chapter 4. Worked well enough. Read a bit of Steinbeck’s diary, noticed some stuff more consciously. He sometimes talks about what’s going on in his life, just as what he’s writing about, unrelated to the writing (‘this happened’). Sometimes it’s connected to the writing (‘drank too much, am tired now’ or ‘am distracted by xyz stuff’). These latter overlap with reports on how he’s doing and feeling. He also talks out what he’ll be doing this session in terms of content (‘today must get Ma more fleshed out’ or ‘section today on camp life’) and in terms of length (‘long day today’ or ‘just 1000 words needed’). He will sometimes talk about how much is left till the end (‘just 50,000 pages more’). I should write prompts for myself on each of those. Entry 78 Tuesday Chiropractor appointment today for various pains I have from work. Sigh. I’m at the public library now with a short window of time. Going to work on chapter 4. Should do the stuff I sketched out yesterday re: a set of prompts to make this diary most useful to myself. Okay worked half an hour, reviewing old notes and a bit of new work on the chapter. Nearly done with the chapter. Will need to review it all as a piece once the work is (ostensibly) done, to see how it hangs together as a chapter. I know that will likely mean I find some issues I wasn’t aware of and I will feel impatient about that. I am in fact making fast progress. Alex reminded me my original timeline was chapter 4 by end of summer and I’m looking at it being done by end of April. That’s real and yet hard to feel. Entry 79, Wednesday. I am acting lazy and selfish. I need to refocus. I looked at my diary from the other day re: the kinds of things Steinbeck writes about. I turned that into prompts. Describe the morning/day so far. Describe your emotional state. Describe how you’re feeling about writing. Describe the general writing task today. Note any feelings about the day’s writing task. The morning was nice in that I got to see all my kids and get some housework done. I’m excited that the weather’s gotten nice and am looking forward to gardening more and seeing what comes up out of what we planted. I’m nervous about my ability to get it sufficiently weeded out given the limits on my time. I missed my family when I headed in to work. My wrist is a bit sore and I’m angry about the hoops I’m having to jump through to request ergonomic stuff at work. The chiropractor was good, I felt better afterward and am glad he’s writing a letter. He’s also nice person and we had a good conversation during the adjustment. Over all I am feeling kind of tense and tired and don’t want to work on my book. I also have a lot of other teaching responsibilities that I also don’t want to do, catching up on data entry and routine emails (as opposed to ones involving some content/substance that’s immediately satisfying). All of that matters but the use and enjoyment comes later, not during the doing of it. I am feeling nervous about finishing my book on time, and also nervous that when I finish it I will have to revise it, and that it will go be evaluated by people who I feel are smarter than me. I worry they will hate or dismiss my book, and I worry that my book is no good. Acting on those worries doesn’t help. I need to work anyway regardless of how I feel. Also, the same smart people whose opinions I’m nervous about believe the project is good and that I can pull it off. If they thought the book was going to suck they’d have stopped me already. Today’s writing task is to go through chapter 4 draft on paper and do what’s written down there. I feel better having written all this out, I’m going to work now. I should save that writing prompt to help me do this better and more consistently. Okay worked a while on chapter 4. It’s coming along. Feel good about that. Entry 80, Thursday Have an early appointment today, have to get started immediately. I don’t want to. I’m tired and don’t want to work on my book. Ugh. Entry 81, Friday My kids had a fight this morning. They behaved very appropriately, maybe I should say disagreement instead of fight. There were hurt feelings all around. I was proud of how they handled it and felt for both of them. As I was helping them work it out and comforting them I started to feel anxious and impatient about how I needed to get to work, and then I resented work. Sigh. Now I’m at the coffee shop with a shortish work window and I don’t want to work. I think my book isn’t as good as I wish it was and I don’t want to spend the time it requires. That may be just an expression of my getting increasingly nervous about revising the first draft of the manuscript once the first draft is done and about it getting evaluated, impostor syndrome is starting to crop up. I’m good at this above all because of my work habits and discipline. That’s reality. These doubts aren’t reality, they’re poor emotional habits and are encouraging me to self-sabotage. I know that in my head but that knowledge doesn’t venture below the neck. I will say I’m excited about summer writing group stuff and the support and encouragement my friend En and I are getting for our efforts around that. Today’s writing task(s)=more chapter 4. Going to do that now. (I used the prompts I wrote for this, they help.) Entry 82, Monday Today is my wife’s birthday. I wrapped presents last night, my kids colored the wrapping paper this morning then she opened presents. That was nice. I feel guilty not staying home. I technically have the discretionary power to do so today, but if I did then there’d be serious consequences in tomorrow’s classes. There are a lot of these moments of the job, where I’m allowed to make a decision but really the decision is sort of pre-determined by my responsibilities. These moments kind of suck, breed guilt because it feels like the job is my thing, my fault. Oh well. I’m trying to get a lot done quickly so I can get home early. I’m feeling tired. Feeling the Mondayness of the day, the time between now and last time I worked. I really want to use my time poorly, look up the latest news and guitar lesson and exercise videos and so on. I’m also worried about teaching related stuff, I really want to check my email and make sure no one’s mad at me. I’m feeling tense about this chapter too. Maybe it’s not very good. Maybe the book’s not very good. Maybe no one will care about it, maybe it’ll be too weird or too obvious or under-researched. Today I’m going to work on chapter 4. I’m very close to done with it for the time being. I’d like to finish it today but I might not, more important to get home early than to meet this particular deadline. A week or so is not an appreciable difference here. Plus better to start the summer more willing and able to work than to start the summer with a bit more accomplished but less primed to accomplish more. Okay getting out the paper folder for chapter 4. Worked for a while on chapter 4. I basically just wrote a really, really long discursive footnote. I’m glad to have worked out the ideas there and think it may need to be cut or if left in it will be weird and readers will hate it. Sigh. I have 4 items from old notes marked to put into this chapter. I think if I binge-wrote for the whole day I could get them all taken care of. I am tempted a little, but only a little. I’m pleased that it’s only a little tempting. I am not going to finish chapter 4 in April as I had hoped and I am disappointed and sad about that, but I’m so close. This is about a week’s worth of work I think and like I said a week or so is not really an important unit of time here, it’s all the same really. (I say this in part because I find myself growing afraid about getting the book turned in quickly enough to be able to meet all the timelines to which I am subject.) And if I binge-wrote I would pay for it in multiple ways, including the writing would end up set back by at least a week so I wouldn’t even gain anything time-wise, I might even end losing more than a week. I have a list of big picture themes written out on the last page of the chapter draft. I’m going to give those some very limited time, maybe a day or two, to try to work them more explicitly into the chapter. After that they become things to marinate on and deal with later. The process: free write on them to sketch out the ideas, then see about where they can go in the body of the draft. When all of this is done then I’ll reread the draft as a document and see what small things I can do. I think that will be uncomfortable but it will be exciting to have a draft of the chapter in hand. Then I move on the chapter 5 too, which is also exciting. I think chapter 5 will take about 4-6 weeks of serious focused work, then the same for chapter 6. I really am on track to have a draft of the manuscript by end of the summer. Entry 83, Tuesday My 4y.o became my 5y.o this morning. It’s cool to see her so excited (‘this is the best day of my life!’ she shouted), and to see my 8y.o so excited about her sister and her sister’s birthday. I wish I could have the day off for it. And the kids were up SUPER early today so I am really struggling right now. Feeling some teaching and end of semester related anxiety, and am annoyed and anxious about a computer problem - computer was supposed to reset itself to download some encryption thing, but it didn’t work. I’m worried it’ll quit mid-work now. Or that I’ll have to spend time talking to tech support. Ugh. Oh well. Anyway. The coffee will kick in soon. Going to spend a brief window on chapter 4 then onto other responsibilities. Okay did that. I've been going over old bits I'd set aside for possible use in the chapter. I've only got one more bit, though it's sort of a big one. I'm feeling really impatient about returning to it. It'll be fine though. All in due time. Entry 84, Wednesday Relatively easy morning, bit of time w/ my family and they were engaged in other stuff as I left so heading out to work felt easier. I’m feeling tense about work stuff (to do list is too big to see it all at once!) and about money ([shakes fist at society]). I’m also annoyed with myself and with the damn laptop. I somehow had begun saving my draft in the wrong place so it wasn’t backed up, and the computer froze up yesterday and I lost yesterday morning’s work. Ugh. I was thinking I had to recreate that today but actually think I did so already last night. (I am in the precaffeinated stage of the morning, so my brain is foggy.) Okay I went through the bits for chapter 4. Next thing to do on it is print it and reread for coherence and organization and whatnot. |