Not a supporting-my-writing entry in an immediate sense so unnumbered. Kids are watching a video, A and the baby are @ the library. I need to be interruptable so am not trying to work on my book. (Also am SO TIRED so am having feelings about trying to work on my book later.) Anyway. Going to try to flesh out a supporting-my-writing medium term idea. In the thing MK sent me that scrip writer mentioned that attempts to get over his resistance to writing always fail unless he’s doing so via writing something. To put it another way, one can type one’s way into writing. That writer also wrote a book of prompts for screenwriters, which gave me the idea of a list of starter prompts. Appertifs? I think that’s the word for it, when you have a certain kind of fancy drink before a meal in order to increase you’re appetite? If so - typing appertifs to create an appetite to write.
I started to write out a few by hand while holding the baby last night and realized I was going @ crosspurposes - I was thinking of things that might perhaps be a way to work on some skill or some issue about writing myths etc or some longer term self-management (upping one’s resiliance in the face of one’s worries), all of which are worthy purposes but are not appertifs. That is, the point of the thing I have in mind is to start actual writing faster. That means they should be short. It also means they should be emotionally very easy. I’ve used climbing as a metaphor a lot, when I used to go to a climbing gym I found my fear of heights was very intense until after about 3 climbs. I couldn’t do anything - or at least I felt like I couldn’t, I dunno if I ever tried - particularly physically or mentally demanding until my 4th climb. So I’d pick a super easy climb I’d done before, climb to the top of the wall, feel intensely afraid, come down and take a few deep breaths, climb up, feel pretty scared, repeat, feel mostly fine. So I’d like the same thing analogous to writing. I think this means something not at all stressful, nothing deep unless it’s soothing/palliative/a confidence- or courage-fosterer (thinking of a thing I read about how writing about core values helps close achievement gaps in hard science and math classes). So I could write about how much I love my kids, say, but not about my worries about them. I think if it’s proximate to my book that’s better too. And needs to not be tempting as ends in themselves - just interesting enough to start, but easy to set aside in order to move on to writing. It also needs to be sort of fun or attractive. I could imagine just writing ‘I admit I am nervous’ or ‘I have written successfully’ or just my own name over and over again until it got boring, which I’m sure would help move into writing but would not be something I would want to start. Thinking out loud, some possible prompts 1. future projects I’m excited about 2. same, and how they connect with this one 3. soundtrack for my book (one song) and why (this could take two forms, ‘listening to this makes me ___ which helps me write’ or one that’s more reader-directed) 5. same re: other visual art 5. how would I explain my book to my kids 6. what’s a work in another genre it would be cool if my work helped inform (novel or film or mural, etc) and what might that be like? 7. a ‘dear friend’ letter as described in the thing from MK and in McPhee’s Draft 4. 8. short description of a past writing success, written as if to a hiring or promotion committee (so no self-effacing allowed) 9. what would I want the big takeaway points or questions to be for undergrad readers of my work? just like what would I hope was on their mind next after reading my book 10. what would be a cool assignment using my work if someone taught it in an undegrad class? 11. write positively about a valued relationship/person (‘I love my kids, they’re like this...’) 12. pick a bit of someone else’s prose and see about cutting all the words with an ‘e’ in them and replacing them with e-less words, for the sake of the thinking and the game. Two more thoughts: 1. None of this is worth a decision or even worth reading the list again (reading the list is dithering). If something sounds appealing just from memory then just do that, otherwise just have google pick a number out of 12 and jump into that item. 2. For all of the above none need to be finished, just start doing them until ready to start writing for real, and try to get to that point ASAP. Better to break off after just a sentence and then start project-related writing than to write 2000 words on any of these. This is just a vehicle, an appertif. might also help to do the above then shift to writing about the day, diary-entry Steinbeck style to clear the throat and set intentions. Again that should be very brief and only if it enhances the process - ie leads to getting down to work faster. (interrupted a few times in this, whatever. wish all writing was this mentally easy.)
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Went to campus and printed out newest copies. Started reverse outline tonight. Again too late, some of this my fault but only some. Felt too tired to get much done. got a few pages in and I don’t trust the work. Frustrated, angry about this, with myself and my family. I feel alone with the work, unsupported, left to make the work, well, work, on my own at the expense of everything else. Frustrated also that I didn’t jump straight to work when my family (finally!) went to bed. I did some looking up of medical related info, which matters, but could have happened after writing. Ugh. On the plus side I got into writing right away when I got out the laptop anyway. Reminding myself that I always have negative feelings during reverse outlining, and that I start back to work full time Monday. This means I’ll get more time soon because will be away from family. Also means I have little time left before then anyway, so fixing work habits during this break is not especially useful. Random thought: might be best to read the chapter ASAP before trying to reverse outline, make the rev outline a second pass after the read through. Thinking I might make a list of writing prompts, prewriting before working on my book, might help with my ‘start right away’ goal. Which reminds me, MK sent me a great text on dealing with these issues, with the goal being ‘start writing ASAP, become ready to write by writing.’ Occurred to me it might be fun to write a list of short writing prompts for this purpose. I can barely keep my eyes open, literally. I’ve almost dozed off while typing this at least 3 times. Tomorrow’s a better day, may see about working out of the house for an hour or so. Need to clarify what this chapter is really about, in order to make the structure make sense. Enough. Must sleep. Late night writing time rolled around - ie my family went to bed and I finished the batch of sauerkraut I’d started to make - and I got right to work, no dithering or procrastinating. Pleased about that. I had had the thought that I’d write mid kraut making (I was interrupted while assembling it, to hold the baby) and finished the kraut after writing but I plain forgot and just rolled back into the food preparation. Not the same as procrastinating though so this is a win.
Great conversations this week with Emily and with MK, talked with both about writing stuff. Emily and I are going to write a book together someday about how we wrote our dissertations and books, mix of memoir and writing book I think. I’m pleased about that. They’re both dear friends so that’s always nice of course, also nice to hear other writers talk about how the writing feels, how it’s going, and how they do the actual doing. Validating as well to have other writers think I have something worth hearing to say about how to get writing done. Tonight’s writing work was more sorting of old notes, didn’t generate any new prose. Next up is a reverse outline. That will suck, I anticipate some hard choices, but it’s ultimately good, this means I’m far along in the drafting of chapter 3. Pleased about that, excited to get it done and off my desk a while, and onto the next bits of the book. Must remember I free wrote something for the interlude after this chapter, going to put a note in my to do list to print that as well. Okay did that. We went to the Botanical Garden earlier this week, brought drawing stuff, did some drawing, so did my 4y.o.. My biggest kid and I saw an old man drawing plants with pastels, beautiful drawings. I blurted out ‘this is beautiful, you’re much better at this than I am.’ True but not a sensibility I want to model to my kid. He graciously said ‘you could do this just as well if you went slow enough.’ I’m still enrolled in what Dweck calls a fixed mindset, if I’m honest, though I’ve gotten better at working around that. The reality is I am in fact learning, improving, growing, getting better at the doing of writing and at the prose and content. As they say in my big kid’s judo class, I am a winner, I am a champion, I am strong. I am a writer, I am an author, I am writing. Back to work full time Monday, more to balance, lots left to do to get ready for teaching the following week, need to remember to schedule and protect my writing time. Enough diary for now. Very full day, lots of family stuff, some rough spots - parenting is hard! - and some great spots that were also very tiring. Am feeling drained. Stayed up too late, reading about whiskey and looking up sauerkraut recipes. I tell myself ‘I need some downtime sometimes’ but this is mostly a lie - work then downtime, instead of vice versa. Then it’s really downtime instead of fretting in the back of my mind. I find myself thinking ‘in my defense, I’m tired and it’s harder to self regulate when tired’ but defense is wrongheaded: I’m not under attack or on trial. Either I work or I don’t. What’s the choice? To work. So work, stop half-choosing. And as for tired, well then don’t stay up so late! Anyway, I ate something (this 3rd batch of kraut is my best yet, pleased about that) and am diarying my way into starting. Here goes, gonna break out the paper files and see what I have to do. Okay worked enough for the day, keep my streak going. Can barely keep my eyes open now! I made it through another pass of my main notes document, sorting into ‘not planning to use’ and ‘maybe planning to use’ which means another pass later, but after the reverse outline. Some notes in my working file need the same splitting up, then onto reverse outline, which will hurt.
Slow start again, did other stuff first. Some of that’s justified - other stuff must be done, and I don’t want to try to write, to REALLY write, under threat of interruption from my family because I don’t want the hassle or to experience my family as interruption. I did work on some writing related stuff while sitting my kids as they watched a movie, wrote free write/zero draft of doc for lit review on writing groups. Had some free time I could have written in later as fam went out, played online a bit. I also feel like I need some downtime too. I dunno. Should have written THEN had the downtime. Write first. Gotta remamber that. Later decided to write, got write down to it, pleased about that. 20 minutes or so, forgot exact start time, going over the remainders from earlier draft of this chapter. Worried I’m wasting time, but also don’t want to discard good material that I might actually use. Telling myself I am working well enough that a day or three of less productivity won’t derail, so if this pass doesn’t pan out perfectly it’s still fine. Only 5 pages left to go in the remainders file on this pass - am sifting ‘this is good I might use it’ from ‘I know I don’t want to use it.’ I’ll then move on to reverse outlining and gap-discovering, my hope is something in this improved bag of remainder prose will help fill a gap or two that I uncover. We shall see. One success: it’s 7:15pm and I’ve written for the day, won’t write late tonight. Last night I wrote my application for course release, and also wrote, or maybe this was the day before, my document for re-appointment this year. Those are good documents if I do say so myself but they are also stressful to write, anxiety inducing. Should reframe that on a colleague’s advice, not ‘I’m nervous’ but ‘I’m excited.’ I’m excited at the prospect of fall course release and finishing a draft of my book by the end of the year, excited about continuing to teach and write and live here. Okay enough. Leaving open the possibility of another 15 or so minutes later tonight if opportunity arises and it doesn’t come at the expense of being up too late by reading the internet or whatever. Also okay if I don’t do this.
Baby’s in hoodie-as-carrier, asleep on my chest, fitfully though - she’s got a cold, makes her wake up easier. The big kids are both drawing on the living room floor. Trying to not wish my life away, as a colleague put it, hard because so many pulls in so many directions. A is upstair writing, which is nice, sadly rare, lots of feelings about that, our situation distributes various responsibilities unevenly. Recognizing that feels like being at fault for it, hard to parse those differences. Anyway, read a page or three of the Steinbeck diary, decided to try to use a bit of this time. Going to free write up to 15 minutes, and consider myself interruptable during this time. Going to write down the various future projects I have in mind as potential things to work on during forced lulls in this one.
Wrote 85 words of notes then the 4y.o. went upstairs said she wanted to play in her room, interrupted A, I heard it and went upstairs irritated b/c I said leave mama to work, turns out A was writing in the 4y.o.’s room. Sigh. Looks like it might be working for now though? back to free writing. Okay wrote 352 words total in my free write. Wrote out what I remembered of the future projects I think I want to do, all of which I’d left in voicemail to myself, listened to that voicemail, typed out some stuff I’d not remembered, fleshed out the ideas a tiny bit more. I might plan these as conference paper length pieces, but the rule is only when I genuinely can’t work on my book because it’s out to readers or something like that. Reread John McPhee Draft 4 last night, found my copy of that book, finished it. I like the book but felt impatient, gimme the goods on writing John stop telling compelling well told stories. Still very, very glad I read it. Want to remember to read my own work out loud and try his ‘greening’, what’s the Strunk and White commandment, omit needless words? That will come later, much later, but nice to think of my book getting to that point. Nice as well to hear him talk about the mental life of drafting and the time, that the later drafts are faster. Done for now, may try to free write again later on my book if I can find my paper notes and get them with baby in carrier, I suspect theyre in a folder on teh floor and it’s hard to get down on the ground without waking baby. One success: diaried my way to a start, wanted to check email and social media first but did not. Much shorter time this time spent flinching from, and thus lurking in, the shadow of about-to-write. And a moment of appreciation: standing up using radio/record player as desk, nice classical music playing, baby's snuggly, my big kid's curled up under a blanket - perk of our freezing drafty house is fosters this kind of winter lounging - reading a book. Went upstairs to help the 4y.o. wipe her butt, A was typing in a patch of sunlight with two of our cats curled next to her. I can see nice future for us coming, ironing out kinks and patching up the gaps (including literal gaps in our insulation) and am pleased about nice moments in our present, doesn't have to be war of writing vs rest of life, can co-exist positively. Update: did work later in the day on my book, at night again. Started right away. Pleased about that. Went well enough. Second entry for Sunday, the other one was a retrospective entry on Saturday's writing. This one is for the writing I am about to do. It is technically Monday but I insist the day does not end until I go to sleep and wake up again. Am up too late in part because the baby wouldn't sleep, that's my girl. Also because again a late start, some email and social media before getting down to it. Less, though, so that's good. Those are distracting, the most best worst distraction, one that feels like a good reason not to write. I think they also attract because social - at a remove enough from realtime in person interaction to feel comfortable but interpersonal enough to not feel lonely, I think I crave them as a kind of 'hold my hand, I am about to do this hard thing' kind of thing before writing. Need to just jump in, sitting at the keyboard playing around when I know I have to work is like inching my way into a cold pool instead of just jumping in, delayed entry is worse because the anticipation. Diarying to start, mostly, a platform off which to jump.
Also diarying to set intentions: will do 15 minutes, ish, maybe a bit more if flowing well, no more than 30 tonight. Soon I'll be reprinting the draft and have to reverse outline, expecting that to hurt. This session I am reading through all my notes files in my paper copy folder. I'm pleased I've got a work flow down that's worked well. The key, I think, is printouts and checkboxes and multiple passes. I always know what to do next, so I can start work and keep going, and en route I generate new tasks. My ability to work outstrips my ability to make good choices. This work flow reduces choice, hence reduces dithering. Should get started, am feeling a bit nervous in anticipation of the tasks after this pass and those are awakening other worries like about the upcoming semester and about how maybe my book sucks. Impostor syndrome, I think. Oh well. Fuck it. If my book sucks, it sucks. At least it will suck uniquely, boldly, like so many bands I like, and having written it I will then write a less sucky second book. Thinking too much, onto the work, leaving this tab open if I have thoughts that need setting aside. Okay worked about 20 minutes, stopped when I passed time and got tireder. Felt some worries that the chapter is getting too long, reminding myself the book's not done yet and that Tracey Kidder wrote a 1200 page draft he then cut to 400 out of which he produced a 200 page Pulitzer winner. Not that I'm winning a Pulitzer, just that being verbose in the draft is not a reflection on the finished product, real writers have that problem - I'm a real writer too, damn it! - and it's just a matter of where in the process I am. Distracted a bit as well by combination of high wind, 100+ year old house, and my own nighttime hypervigilance (is this mental illness? I suspect so, hard to use that term, must eventually see a therapist on this specifically). I'm proud of myself for handling this well and staying focused on my work despite this. I made it through my hand written notes on what was left of the print out of my prior draft - very satisfying to tear off the pages that I'm finished with on this pass, real sense of tangible progress when I do that - and I made it through most of the way through my 'remainders' file. Some good ideas in that file, proud of that. I'm going to pull out what is definitely chaff from what may potentially be wheat. Then when I reverse outline as I find holes in the draft I will have some bits to hand that may fill those holes. Reminding myself to be future focused, am not saving old prose, am producing best version I can of chapter 3. Tomorrow finish review of paper copy, begin paper to-do list generated via that review. Continue this until out of other tasks, then print the chapter and work file, and a copy of remainders file for my personal archive, and take up reverse outlining. I wrote yesterday but did not write in my diary. I wrote too late at night - put off starting - and when I was done I really needed to go to bed. I’m going to work on not putting off the writing. I’ve been reading more about writing - Jensen’s book, Helen Sword’s new book, McPhee’s Draft 4 book, Steinbeck’s diary - and it’s great. It’s also double edged in that it offers what I most want, deep down: a virtuous excuse not to write. (I did not edit the above, I wanted to; an impulse resisted! virtue point, scored!) There is a similar risk with this journal. This is not a blog about writing. It is a diary of writing my book.
The writing is proceeding. I looked at my spreadsheet, I have written every day since Christmas. That’s a 19 day streak. I’m pleased about that. I’m going to reframe however and call success writing 6 out of the 7 days. Writing the 7th day is a bonus, and it counts for the future - 7th days are bankable, you can put a Sunday in the bank - so that one 7 day week and one five day week count as two successful weeks. I will frame it that way insofar as it facilitates writing effectively. Process-wise I mean. Jensen’s book is very good, I particularly like it on writing groups. I have some aspirations on this institutionally, bits are in motion, I have to keep this disciplined - do no or only little more than what is immediately and will in the near future be useful, don't leap full blown into this as A Big Project, my book is The Big Project and there can be only one. One thing I liked reading it is that I feel I’ve done a lot of it, bits of it anyway, sort of stumbling onto best practices driven by my own needs in dial with friends’ writing needs. Nice to know I’ve done things that don’t just work for me but which are Certified by Experts who are Not Impostors. Jensen also persuaded me part way that writing myths are counterproductive but I largely hopped over that stuff to get to writing practices. Sword’s book persuaded me further that engaging with my own internal mental life while writing is useful. I’m doing well on many of her writing habit categories, except the emotional habits. And I think she’s right, they are habits, not fixed qualities. To be frank I do not believe I can think differently, but I am committed to not needing to believing I can succeed before attempting fearfully to do things. So I will try. I will try via this diary. Emulating Steinbeck's diarying. I’m trying to spread out his diary like vitamin pills, a dose a day, rather than reading it all more quickly. I’ve underlined all the bits where he says things I identify with, like about fear and stress and so on. In the process I’ve noticed he writes in the diary over the course of writing his prose. I suspect he’s consistently writing in the diary before working on the novel - so far, I’m only on entry 13 or 14 - then starting writing, then writing in the diary as it makes sense to do so, and is jotting just a bit in the diary after writing. I remember it often going like ‘This is happening in my life lately, it relates to my writing practice as follows, I feel/see my writing practice - my performance at this practice - currently in this way, here is what I am attempting now in the immediate prose I am am attempting/here is what I want this chapter to do, in this writing session now I hope to add two or three pages or re-organize a little, I want this character to flesh out, I like that character. Now to write it. Wrote it. That character is working out, I made this section three rather than two pages, I’m still unsure what the next chapter is about and how to segue. Now to write a letter to a friend and then out to dinner.’ Doing similarly might help me start, and might help me identify where my head is at when I struggle to start and what goes on in my head in the more uncomfortable moments - ID the myths and self talk - which I could then begin to attempt to reframe. So I will endeavor to have a diary page - a blank document or sheet of paper - open at all times while writing, for this purpose. I'll commit to trying it a while, long enough to get over my aversion to new things, so I can see if it actually helps or not. In my teaching I'm convinced that reflective writing helps students, I've only done it after the fact not this kind of in media res journaling but I've wanted to try the latter. Maybe I will make them try it this spring in my new class. Stop that, this is not about teaching, it's a writing diary. Enough. This diary can’t take up too much time or it becomes unproductive, this is a few daily minutes of stretching or taking a walk around the block, not a new training regimen. I'm going to start titling the entries accordingly, this is not a blog, just dates and numbers, a homogeneous succession of empty time, an endless parade of identical days (I smile to myself at that pair of phrasical thefts). I had another thought and lost it, the children are arguing about whose turn it is to play their computer game. Oh, I remembered it: my older kid’s Judo class’s new motto/slogan: I am a winner, I am a champion, I am strong. Her teacher said ‘we said it for years, it took just a little while to stop feeling weird.’ Okay. I am a writer, I am a scholar, I am determined and capable. Still feels weird and I don’t believe it ever won’t but I can act without belief. Thinking again of Kierkegaard, something about living as if adrift alone in 40,000 fathom deep water. Now really enough. "I shall try simply to keep a record of working days and the amount done in each and the success (as far as I can know it) of the day."
These are quotes from Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath journal. My blog title comes from that. I'm on his 3rd entry in his diary. I skimmed the intro/commentary and flipped through the rest. Later he says something like 'I hope I can write one good book', at least I remember it that way. He was then younger than I am now. I turned to Steinbeck among others when I got writers block, something I'd never before believed existed, while dissertating. Knowing that real writers struggled meant that my struggle with writing was not evidence of my personal failings. That helped. It helped even more when I started to think of the discomfort as most of the task - doing writing is doing this hard thing to which I am averse. It is exertion, not fun or play. I have since come to find that valuable, I am proud to do this hard thing. (My older kid's judo class has begun a slogan, 'I am a winner, I am a champion, I am strong.' Judo is challenging. Writing is too. Neither is a stroll in the park or a nap on the couch. That it is a struggle does not mean I am not cut out for it. Strength is not talent or ease, it's skill, dedication and perseverance in the face of unease and discomfort.) I've also started Joli Jensen's Write No Matter What, who says academia "is definitely not writing-friendly." Such a relief to read! I've often thought that academic culture is disfunctional and wondered if I was just whining in that assessment. * I wrote the above and did that reading before writing for today. That’s okay, but I did so in time I had planned as writing time. In the future I’ll be sure to reverse that order, spend my writing time writing, and time spent reading in support of writing, and journaling in support of writing, will come afterward. I’ve now stayed up too late and will pay for that tomorrow. Still, glad I did all this. The writing went well tonight, in terms of the doing. I am on on page 46 of my 50something page draft, in a pass through doing basically expansion and freewriting-in-text on points previously identified. When I get all the way through I’ll read the chapter draft again, perhaps print anew to facilitate that. I think the chapter needs [shudder] a reverse outline, at least one. Oh well. Little by little. Also: I am definitely experiencing what Jensen observes, that frequent writing in smaller chunks=reduced anxiety and discomfort, and the reverse: the longer I go without writing the harder and more unpleasant it is to write and the more I worry about writing while doing non-writing tasks. I wrote this today on a sheet of paper.
I'll try journaling my book. I can't find a notebook. Must all be @ work. Writing this on loose paper, will recopy. Baby's asleep against me, using hoodie as baby carrier. Rest of fam is @ Mr. Popper's Penguins, the play. I've read for teaching, squandered some time on social media. Got Steinbeck's diary of writing Grapes of Wrath in mail today. Excited, inspired. I'm like him only in the fears. I find that validating. I should update my progress: largely thru draft of ch.3, @ a low point in emotional life of the process. I hope for a draft by end of 2018, then will face the new lows of that. I am pleased now that I can discipline my emotions to my writing practice rather than the reverse. I write despite my fear and judgment, and write my way to their mitigation, rather than needing to feel some way before writing. Proud also of my writing time. I should tally that up from this winter, and maybe my word counts as well, to have more to feel good about. Also: I admit to some aspirations, cravings, jealousies. I want to succeed, envy those who do/have, and worry as well this is a path to becoming a worse person. "The changes that alter us are the product of our own volition (...) and we become what we hate." I've left myself voicemails w/ future project ideas. Always be closing, as it were - stay in motion. This means do work daily on some project, always have one that is the main focus and a second for the necessary pauses in the first, write something for audience-oriented prose daily ('for' because maybe the prose that day isn't for presentation but is writing to think). I'm unsure at this point if this diary will be electronic or a notebook. I'll continue it insofar as it enhances the doing of the work. |